The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show!
by The Dawn Is Breaking
Summary: Sick and tired of Bella tripping over empty air, and Alice doing nothing but shop? Wouldn't you rather see Jacob dance on the coffee table half-naked, and Mike being pelted with tomatoes? The Crappy Twilight Cliches Show is for you! NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1: Over Protective Edward

**Hey everyone! Just to let you know, this is my first fanfic, so although you could flame me, it would be preferable if you give me constructive criticism instead. Also, most of the characters have their names abbreviated, due to their length and my laziness. Now, enough of my babbling, and onto the story!**

**Disclaimer: Um…I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not the great, awesome Stephenie Meyer. **

The Dawn Is Breaking: Hel-lo Twilighters! This is The Dawn Is Breaking, and welcome to 'The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show'! Today, we have a very special guest here. Standing at 6 foot 2, be prepared to swoon girls. Over-Protective Edward!!

-Sighs and fainting all round as Edward is dragged on by Emmett and Jasper-

OPE: -Struggling- Hey, let me go!

Jasper: (To TDIB) Sorry about that. Eddie-kins over here has been a bit…um, more anxious than usual, ever since-

OPE: Quit calling me Eddie-kins, and let me go! Bella might trip over and hurt herself again if I'm not there. Or she might get abducted by that mutt-boy, or, or… -Wave of calm suddenly hits and relaxed him. He slumps onto the floor.-

Jasper: You see what I mean? I can't take it anymore!

TDIB: Erm…okay then. (To OPE) Welcome to the show, Edward! Come and take a seat.

OPE: -Suddenly grows anxious- But what about Bella?! She might injure herself and-

TDIB: I'm sure she would be fine; she's probably being taken care of by Alice-

OPE: Oh crap! My sweet love might fall down the stairs on those shopping sprees, and-

TDIB: Can we just get on with the damn interview?!

OPE: -Whimpering- Oh, Bella, Bella…

Some Random Fan Girl in the audience: -Thinking- Wow, Edward is soooo cute and adorable when he's over-protective! Maybe I should kill Bella so that he would go out with me…

OPE: -Suddenly hears Random Fan Girl's thoughts and points at her- YOU!

Random Fan Girl: Oh, crap…

OPE: How DARE you think about killing my sweet Bella! I kill you!

-Two hours, a stampede of screaming fan girls, and a restraining order on an angry vampire later…-

**Sorry if this chapter is a bit short. It is, after all, my first attempt. Please review!**

**Next chapter – Bella (Hopefully).**


	2. Chapter 2: Hyper Shopping Addict Alice

**Hello again! Just to let you know, constructive criticism would be better than praise, and flames would be used to keep me warm in the middle of winter. Anyway, on with the show!**

**Disclaimer: Dude, if I was Stephenie Meyer, Jacob wouldn't exist (Sorry Team Jacob fans), I would be with Edward, and Mike would be in Italy holidaying -cough- Volturi's dinner -cough-.**

TDIB: Well, we _were_ going to interview Bella today, but since Edward is so keen on "keeping her safe" -makes little quotation marks-, we have another special guest. Please welcome, Hyperactive Shopping Addict Alice!!

-Audience (which is considerably smaller than the last time) claps and cheers as Alice runs at vampire speed on stage, up the wall and onto a small coffee table while carrying a swaying tower of shopping bags-

HSAA: -In a high pitch voice- Canwegetthisoveranddonewith?I'vegotafewminutesuntiltheshoppingcentrecloses. (Can we get this over and done with? I've got a few minutes until the shopping centre closes.) -Dumps shopping bags on a poor fan girl-

TDIB: Um…-points at bags/unconscious fan girl- Isn't this enough shopping for one day, even for a vampire?

HSAA: Hell no! This all just for Bella, you know. I also have to buy clothes for Edward, Rose, Emmett, Jazz, Carlisle, Esme, myself-

TDIB: Yeah yeah, I get the point. So anyway-

HSAA: -Holding up a blue vintage top while jumping up and down and squealing- OMC,isn'tthissoooooooooooabsolutelyadorable?ThisreallysuitsBella,doesn'tit?Ishouldmakeherwearthistomorrow,withthatskinnyjeansIbought,andmake-up,and (OMC, isn't this sooooooooooo absolutely adorable? This really suits Bella, doesn't it? I should make her wear this tomorrow, with that skinny jeans I bought, and make-up, and)-

TDIB: Give her a makeover?

HSAA: Exactly! And-

TDIB: Wait, I thought you do nothing but shop with your best friends – Bella, Rosalie and your platinum credit cards!

HSAA: Hell no! On every second day, Bella eagerly comes to our house for a whole day and I, the great Alice Cullen (with the help of my beautiful assistant Rosalie Hale), beautify and dress her up. You could say that my bathroom is like her second home! -Laughs hysterically-

TDIB: -Cough- Well, anyway-

HSAA: -Looks up and down on TDIB- Hmmm…Jeans and a blue t-shirt? No makeup on your face? Sneakers? Honestly, you're like Bella before she met me! Never fear, though, I had foresaw what you would wear today, so…Rosalie?

-Rosalie Hale suddenly stands by her side-

TDIB: -Glancing at the pair of beautiful vampires nervously- Um…you're seriously not going to…I mean, I'm actually…um, um…

HSAA: Yep! -Takes out some mascara and scissors- Make-over time!!

TDIB: -Gulp- Please tell me you're joking!

HSAA: -In a creepy and menacing voice- I mean every word I ever say, ever, because I'm Alice Cullen!! -Dramatic thunder and lightning- MWAHAHAHAAA!!

TDIB: -In a high-pitched nervous voice- Well, hehe, look at the time, I should be going home now! -Tries to inch away from the vampires- Don't you have some, erm, shopping to do?

HSAA: -Walks slowly forward in a melodramatic way- The shopping centre closed five minutes ago!

TDIB: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! -Runs off stage as the two vampires chases her-

Audience: …WTF?

(Somewhere backstage) -CRASH-

Audience: Ooooh…that's gotta hurt…

**Like it? Hate it? Please review and tell me if I should continue this story!**

**Oh, and by the way, I need some ideas on the Quileute Pack. I think I got Jacob Black covered, but please submit your ideas on the clich****é****s of the wolf pack. I know it would be hard, but it will be appreciated.**

**Next Chapter – Bella! (If Alice's predictions are correct…)**


	3. Chapter 3: Klutzy Blushing Bella

**Thanks to those that had reviewed my not-so-great story. Imaginary hugs and cookies to all!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: Look, if I was Stephenie Meyer, would I be writing this sad excuse of a story?**

TDIB: -Rubs bruised shoulder while scrubbing off what's left of the make-up- Before we begin, can I make it clear that I usually don't wear a low-cut singlet top, a mini-skirt and death-traps on my feet unless I'm being attacked by two beautiful vampires? I only agreed to have this on today so that Alice might help us with obtaining our next guest. Now, with that aside, without further ado, please welcome – Klutzy Blushing Bella!

-Audience cheers and waves 'Bella x Edward 4ever' banners as Bella tries to walk on stage without incident. However, she stumbles forward four times, fell back twice, trips over an electric cord once, and crashes into the screaming fan girls. She was able to do this while looking like a human-equivalent of an over-heated tomato.-

TDIB: -Muttering to herself- Maybe I should have bullet-proof glass to protect the fans…

KBB: -To one of the fans she had fallen on- OMC, I'm really, really sorry. -Trips again on another fan- So sorry about that. -Bumps into another girl- Very sorry… -She slowly makes it back on stage with more slipping on the floor.-

TDIB: Welcome to the show, Bella! How are you today?

KBB: Painful -Falls off chair-…Ouch… -More blushing-

TDIB: …Um, okay then, so…why do you trip over so much?

KBB: -Shrugs- I don't know…danger magnet? -Bangs head on table.- Unusually more unco than the average person? -Topples off her seat again and onto the floor.- You see my poi-

-CRASH-

TDIB: WHAT THE CARLISLE IS THAT?!

Over-Protective Edward: -Burst out onstage with Hyperactive Shopping Addict Alice trying to restrain him.- Bella, my sweetheart, I have come to save you! (To Alice) Get away from me, pixie! How dare you kidnap her while I was out hunting?!

TDIB: -Thinking-Wouldn't be the first time now, would it?

OPE: (To TDIB) -Growls-

TDIB: -Holds up palms- Sorry, Edward, but it's true…

OPE: Bella, are you okay? -Picks her up and investigates her new set of bruises-

KBB: -Grumbles- I'm fine, thank y-

Random Security Guard: Hey you! -Points at Edward- I thought you have a restraining order!

OPE: …

-Quickly runs away at vampire speed with Bella-

TDIB: -Shakes head- Why don't I ever complete my interviews?

**Yes, Edward has a restraining order because of attempted murder on one of the fan girls in his interview.**

**Once again, thanks to all those who supported and reviewed the story, and also to those who gave me ideas on my future stories!**


	4. Chapter 4: Emo Jasper

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: WHAT?! I have to say it again?!**

**Steph Meyer: Er, yeah…**

**Me: But it's already depressing enough that I don't have Edward…**

**Steph Meyer: Just say it, or I'll get Alice to take you shopping!**

**Me: -Whimpering- Okay, I'll be good. -Takes deep breath- I'm. Not. Stephenie. Meyer. -Breaks down into tears-**

TDIB: Good news, Twilighters! First of all, we now have a bullet-proof glass cover protecting the audience from any, erm, mishaps. -Sigh of relief from fan girls- Secondly, please welcome on stage – Emo Jasper!

-The fans cheer and squeal as Jasper, with his hair dyed black, saunters forward in a black top with a white skull, black skinny jeans, and converse shoes-

TDIB: Well hello Jasper! How are you today?

EJ: -In a very emo-ey voice- Ever since I attacked Bella on her birthday, I felt nothing but depression from the family. Even today, I can't escape my pass wrongdoings and evils that I had inflicted on the thousands upon thousands of innocent souls and-

TDIB: Er, that's very nice. Um, just out of curiosity, why do you have massive amounts of eyeliner on your face? And what's with the newly dyed black hair and black clothes?

EJ: Blonde was too cheerful for me, as well as the hundreds of brightly coloured clothes that Alice bought. So I dyed my hair black, and bought new, depressing clothes and make-up.

TDIB: Wait, I thought Alice was your little ray of sunshine, the one that brings joy to your otherwise bleak vampire life?

EJ: Ever since she discovered shopping and makeovers, she spends more time at the mall and her bathroom playing dress-ups with Bella than with me. So now I listen to angsty music, write suicidal poems and have succumbed into the deep, dark waters of depression.

TDIB: -Nods- Uh huh, nice alliteration. What about the scars on your wrists? Was it from the great vampire wars of the 1890s?

EJ: I don't know why I even survived that war anyway. I really wish I was killed off by one of the newborns or Maria. I should have gone to the Volturi like Edward. I can't take it anymore! -Starts biting his wrists with his teeth-

TDIB: -Looking really sick- I think I'm going to have nightmares now…

**For those of you who are wondering, the scars on Jasper's wrists were from him biting it. Since average knives won't have an effect, this is what I thought an emo vampire would do. Lame, I know.**

**Next guest – Emmett!**


	5. Chapter 5: First Grader Emmett

**Disclaimer: Sigh I thought I had made my point clear in the last four chapters…I'm not Stephenie Meyer. **

TDIB: Hi there! Our next guest, being unusually strong for a vampire, would probably be called 'All brawn and no brain'. Well, it seemed like a no-brainer choice to invite him, so please make him feel welcome – First-Grader Emmett!

-Fan girls whoops and claps as Emmett runs on stage, waving like a five year old with a childish grin on his face-

TDIB: So Emmett, how does it feel to be here today?

FGE: It feels so awesome! -Stares at the ceiling- Ooooh…the lights are shining on me…

TDIB: Uh huh. Anyway, despite the fact that you went to high school at least six times, and hold several university degrees, why do most people, even your family, think that you have the intelligence of a five year old?

FGE: I dunno…It's probably because they don't believe that there's a talking vampire monkey hiding in my underwear drawer. Ha! Oh ye of little faith, who doubt the great Emmett Cullen!

TDIB: Er, talking vampire monkey?

FGE: Yep! I nicked a monkey from the zoo, and I bit it and it talked!

TDIB: Uh huh, and I thought animals cannot be vampires…

FGE: -Gasp- You don't believe it too?!

TDIB: No no, it's not that, it's-

FGE: -Yelling- Why doesn't anyone believe me?!

Someone in the Audience: Because it's just a pile of bullshit! Deal with it!

FGE: -Points at audience- How DARE you don't believe me, the God of all awesomeness?! I'll show you!

-He tries to run through the glass wall. However, because of its density, it only cracks instead of shattering-

FGE: -Rubbing head- Owww…What the…?

TDIB: It's the bullet-proof glass wall. Didn't you see that?

FGE: THERE WAS A FREAKING GLASS WALL?!

TDIB: Ah, duh…

FGE: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THAT?!

TDIB: I told you seven freaking times when we were backstage!

FGE: Oh…-Checks watch- Hey! Dora the Explorer is on! Where's the nearest T.V?

TDIB: -Shakes head- Why did I even bother…

**Hehe…It was late at night and I couldn't really be bothered and stuff. **

**Next up: Rosalie!! **


	6. Chapter 6: Bitchy Self Centred Rosalie

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. Never has been. Never will be.**

TDIB: Hey guys! Just to let you know, for added safety, there is now an even thicker and denser glass wall protecting the audience. -Sighs of relief from fan girls- Okay, now our special guest today claims to be one of the most beautiful people alive, or dead, or…well, you know what I mean. Please make her feel welcome – Bitchy Self-Centred Rosalie!

-Rosalie walks on stage, pivots and walks towards TDIB like a runway model-

Audience: YAY!!

TDIB: Hi Rosalie, welcome to the show!

BSCR: -Looks up and down on TDIB- Er, I thought I gave you fashion and make-up tips so you can look, well I wouldn't say like me, because that would be impossible, but, you know, better?

TDIB: Um, that was Alice. When I had that torturous makeover last week, you were just standing there holding the equipment and picking out those skimpy clothes and stilettos, not to mention muttering to yourself how _gorgeous _you looked in the mirror.

BSCR: Uh, whatever. -Takes out blush and compact mirror from her handbag and starts putting it on-

TDIB: Ok-ay then. So, what would you do if your beauty is gone?

BSCR: -Flashes a stunning smile- Well, that wouldn't happen now, would it?

TDIB: Yeah, well-

BSCR: I know my beauty would never go away. -Admires herself in the mirror- I mean, it might as well stay with me. Where other better places would it go? -Glances at the fan girls- Although it would be of great use to those fugly people in the audience. I mean, I can see half the girls that have pimples on their forehead!

-Half the audience suddenly started to banged the glass wall in hopes of breaking it down-

BSCR: -smirks at fan girls- Wow, everyone has come to admire my beauty. Isn't that great? -Flicks hair behind her shoulder-It's such a shame that they don't have it…

TDIB: Rose, please be realistic. Not everyone here is a beautiful vampire, you know.

BSCR: I know! That's the best thing! -Looks at TDIB- Yeah, you are seriously in need of another makeover an-

-Hyper Shopping Addict Alice suddenly appears on stage-

HSAA: -In a very high-pitched hyper voice- Did someone just said…makeover?

TDIB: No no, I-

BSCR: -Smugly- Yes.

TDIB: -whispers to BSCR- What was that for?! Last time, I walked out of the Cullen house tripping, bruised and looking like a whore! What the hell is wrong with you?!

BSCR: -shrugs- Well, you didn't seem to appreciate my perfections as much, so…I guess you'll have to suffer for it.

TDIB: Why me?! -Is dragged off stage by HSAA-

BSCR: -smiling- Now, back to our favourite topic – 'Why everyone loves Rosalie Hale'…

**Well, what do you think? Let me know! **

**Also, thanks to everyone who gave me ideas and supportive comments. You guys are the best. Seriously.**

**Oh yeah, by the way, I would like to have more ideas on cliches on the werewolves AND, if possible, the Volturi. It will be appreciated, although it might be a while before it comes out. I've got alot of homework and alot of angry teachers, so please be patient.**

**Next victim, er, I mean guest: Jacob Black!**


	7. Chapter 7: Egotistical Jacob the Jerk

**Before I begin, can I please say that I'm mostly a Team Edward fan, so there might be some bias against Jacob and his fans. I just want to clear that up so that there won't be any angry Jacob fans sending me to the fiery pits of flames. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer, so therefore I don't own the characters in my stories. I only own the twisted plot, TDIB, and the screaming fan girls. I also hate disclaimers, as they are a waste of time and space.**

TDIB: -mutters to herself while checking on bruised knee- What have I done to deserve this?! -Suddenly looks up at the audience- Well, hello again! I've decided to take a break from all the vampires, and to interview someone…else. So, whether you like him or hate him with a passion, please give him your support – Egotistical Jacob the Jerk!!

-The Team Edward fans are booing at EJJ while the Team Jacob girls were drooling at the shirtless guest-

TDIB: Hey Jacob! How are you today?

EJJ: I feel awesome, because I am the great, sexy Jacob Black, and girls just _adore_ me!

Team Edward Girls: -Booing- Get off the stage, mutt boy!

Team Jacob Girls: -Swooning- Marry me Jacob. Marry me!!

TDIB: Um, right…So why did you come without a shirt? Do you need to phase into a werewolf soon?

EJJ: That's part of the reason, but mainly because I'm…too sexy for my shirt. -Starts singing his own version of 'I'm too sexy' while dancing on the coffee table-

TDIB: … -Cough- -Cough-

TEG: -Covers eyes and ears- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm mentally scarred for life!!

TJG: -Panting and drooling on the glass wall- I love you Jacob!! I love you!!

TDIB: -Looking disturbed- Jacob, can you _please_ leave the singing and dancing for the shower at home?

EJJ: But my singing and dancing talents should be viewed by other people besides the pack and my father!

TEG: -Shudder-

TJG: Amen!

TDIB: Yeah, moving on…despite the fact that Edward came back and told her that he loves her, why can't you accept that Bella chose him over you?

TEG: In other words, why can't you leave Bella and Edward ALONE?!

TJG: -Hiss-

TDIB: Now girls, settle down. (To EJJ) Well, why?

EJJ: -Shouting- WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHY!! IT'S BECAUSE HE IS A -beep-ING BLOODSUCKER THAT COULD NOT KISS HER PROPERLY WITHOUT KILLING HER! -Suddenly settles down onto the sofa- I, on the other can love her, care for her, and provide, erm, certain services for her, all while she is human!!

TEG: …How DARE you insult the great name of Edward Anthony Mason Cullen?!

TJG: -Cheers- Yay!! Go Jacob!!

TEG: -Yelling at TJG- Go Jacob?! He is a hypocritical jerk who hates Edward, and we hate anyone who hates Edward!

TJG: Edward, Schmedward! He is a stupid leech who left Bella at the beginning of New Moon! Jacob promised to be with her forever!!

TEG: Yeah, well Jacob might imprint on someone else!

TJG: Yeah, well Edward might accidentally kill her!

TEG: EDWARD!

TJG: JACOB!

-The girls from opposing teams started fighting each other while yelling out reasons why Edward/Jacob is better/worse-

EJJ: -Grinning- Please girls, you don't have to fight over me! There's enough love for everyone here!

TDIB: -Mutters to herself- Maybe interviewing Jacob isn't the best idea…

**Well, there you have it! Thanks again to those who reviewed and were patient with this. **

**Next up: Mike a.k.a Golden Retriever Boy! **


	8. Chapter 8: Delusional Mike

**Hiya all! Just to let you know, this chapter, despite it's obvious crapness, is for all the Mike Newton haters around the world. If you absolutely adore Mike, turn around and read something else that you might enjoy. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. If I was, I would ace at English. But I don't. -tear-**

TDIB: Welcome back Twilighters! Before we start, due to, erm, recent scuffles in the audience -glares at fan girls-, we have now decided not to interview any more characters that might cause rivalry between fans. Plus, since we're not dealing with mythical creatures for now, we don't have anymore protection barriers. -Loud groans from audience- However, as you might have seen, there are boxes of rotten tomatoes and eggs for you guys to use. -Evil grins among fans- Please use them responsibly as a last resort and not target each other or me.

Fan Girls: -groans- Drats...

TDIB: Now, our next guest claims to be Bella's one and only soul mate, and will do anything to come between her and Edward. The human that we just love to hate, please welcome – Delusional Mike!

-Audience, who stopped giving each other death stares, are now booing as DM walks on stage wearing a shirt that says 'Bella hearts Mike' at the front, and 'Edward Sux' at the back-

TDIB: Well Mike, before we begin, where did you get that shirt from?

DM: -Smugly- I made it. I bet _Cullen _couldn't even make such an awesome t-shirt as I can!

TDIB: Yeah, okay. What makes you think that you stand a chance against Edward when it comes to Bella?

DM: -Starts having that faraway look- When I first saw her beautiful, heart-shaped face, those sweet brown eyes, those full lips, I knew it was true love. I knew we were meant for each other. She should have fallen for me. I mean, I'm smart, rich, athletic, not to mention romantic and good-looking! Sighs

Fan girls: -Goes into a coughing fit-

TDIB: Uh huh…so anyway, have you ever stopped to think that Jessica Stanley has a crush on you?

DM: I don't care about Jessica! She's nothing more than a shallow bimbo, while Bella, sweet, sweet Bella, gets to have Cullen with her! Ugh!

TDIB: Um, no offence or anything, but I think Edward and Bella make a great couple.

Fan Girls: Yay!!

DM: Yeah, well, that's what they look like on the outside, but I know that Edward is actually abusing her and just wants her for sex!

Fan Girls: -Are tied between throwing rotten food and laughing at him-

TDIB: …Wait, is that why you still pursue Bella for her hand?

DM: Exactly! It is for her own good! I mean, who doesn't want to have _me_ as their soul mate?

Random Fan Girl #1: I don't!

RFG #2: Me too!

RFG #3: I want Edward!

RFG #4: Jacob's better!

TDIB: Now girls, calm down. (To DM) I've read your attempts on trying to get Bella, and some of them are pretty far-fetch. How desperate are you to get her to like you? It seems that they are actually having the opposite effect. And what will happen to Edward?

DM: -Shouting- SHE WILL LOVE ME! THERE'S NOT A BETTER MATCH FOR HER! AND THAT STUPID -beep-ING JACKASS? HE CAN JUST GO JUMP OFF A -beep-ING CLIFF BECAUSE HE IS A -enter long string of profanities and insults that are too rude and offensive-

Fan Girls: -gasps- You. Will. PAY!! -Starts throwing rotten food at the stage as TDIB runs off for cover. DM is still going on with the swearing while being oblivious to the not-so-edible missiles aiming at him-

TDIB: -shrugs backstage- Hey, better than having another one of those makeovers with Alice…

**Yay!! Another end to a chapter! Reviews would be nice, along with ideas for teh werewolves and the Volturi. Ciao!**

**Next guests: Jessica and Lauren! -cackles-**


	9. Chapter 9: The Two Bitchy Bimbos

**To those of you who had given me profile messages, please be patient and hold off those as my hotmail is stuffing up and I can't see what you guys said. Thanks once again to everyone who review!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: I am Stephenie Meyer, creator of all things Twilight!**

**Edward: No you're not. You're just twisting her characters so you could write a stupid story.**

**Me: -After a few minutes of being dazzled-…what, what was that?**

**Edward: -Rolls perfect topaz eyes- Just repeat after me – I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

**Me: -In a dreamlike state- I am not Stephenie Meyer…**

TDIB: Well, fans, since the rotten tomatoes and eggs were such a great success, we decided to keep them! -Cheers from audience- Now, onto our next guests today, who dedicate their lives to revealing outfits, partying, hot boys and hating Bella. Now, whether or not you want to, please make them feel welcome – The Two Bitchy Bimbos a.k.a Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory!

-The fans are booing as Jessica and Lauren, dressed in whore-ish clothes and three-inch heels, strut onto the stage and blew kisses to the audience-

JS: (To LM) OMFG!! They love me!!

LM: (To JS) You idiot! They don't, like, love you! They love me!!

JS: (To LM) Like, shut up bitch! You know they, like, love me, and like, not you!

LM: (To JS) Like, whatever! -Gives her the hand-

TDIB: Well, welcome girls! How are you today?

JS: Can you, like, tell this shallow bimbo that the audience, like, love me?

LM: Oh shut up you whore! They sooooo love me and not you!

TDIB: Girls, calm down! -With a hint of sarcasm- They all love you, okay? Besides, what are you girls up to these days?

JS: Like, OMG, we, like, went shopping at Victoria's Secret, and like, I picked out this black lingerie and it was, like, sooooo sexy and revealing, an-

LM: It was not as hot as mine! Mine was, like, red and lacy, and it was soooo hot, even Edward Cullen would be turned on by it!

JS: Er, like, I've seen that thing and, like, it's sooooooooo fugly! I mean, I have mine on today, and like, look at it!

-The fans shield their eyes as JS proceeds to take off her clothes, although she doesn't really have much to start with-

Fans: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

TDIB: Jessica! Please keep your clothes on! Some people don't need to see you half-naked!

JS: But, like, I have such a sexy bod! Everyone needs to see it!

LM: Liar! I can see an inch of fat on you an-

TDIB: Okay, girls, that's enough. Speaking of Edward, what makes you think that you have a chance against Bella?

JS: Because, I'm sooooooooo hot, and he's soooooooooooooo sexy, I think we make a perfect match! I mean, guys stare at me, like, at school and on the streets. I mean, I can turn a gay guy straight!

LM: Yeah, and like, Bella acts, like, sooooooooo sweet and innocent, but I know she two-timed Edward with that hot Indian guy.

JS: In other words, she's not a virgin anymore!

-The Bimbos gave each other high fives-

Random Fan Girl #1: That's so not true!

RFG #2: Bitch!

RFG #3: Liar!

RFG #4: Whore!

RFG #5: Guys, I know what we should do! ATTACK!!

TDIB: Okay, I'm out. -Runs off stage as the fans started launching the food at the Bimbos-

JS: -Screaming- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! My strapless top! That cost, like, three hundred dollars!

RFG #6: Everyone, throw it at the strapless top!!

LM: -Laughs at JS- Haha, no one is throwing at my cute four hundred dollar mini-skirt.

-Dramatic silence in the audience-

RFG #7: Everyone, throw it at the mini-skirt!!

(Meanwhile, somewhere backstage…)

TDIB: So wait…is anyone actually filming this?

-Hyper Shopping Addict Alice suddenly appeared holding a video recorder-

HSAA: -In a hyper voice- I'm definitely showing this at Forks High tomorrow! -Cackles maniacally-

TDIB: Okay then. -Slowly backs away from HSAA-

**Review please!! Flames are welcome, but constructive criticism would be better.**

**Up next: Aro!!**


	10. Chapter 10: Annoyingly Optimistic Aro

**Hi again! My hotamil is still down, and it looks like it will be for at least a week -pouts-. Anywho, due to an increased amount of homework, chappies will take longer to post. Sorry for you loyal readers, please be patient! I'll shut up now, and go on with the story/show!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: -calling- Steph Meyer, can I please own Twilight instead of you?**

**SM: -beep- -beep- -beep-…**

**Me: -sigh- Guess not…**

TDIB: Hello again Twilighters! Today, since we're dealing with vampires again, we have replaced the tomatoes and eggs with the bullet-proof, high density glass wall. -groans from audience- Anywho, today's guest, according to those who know him best, is described as "irritatingly positive", "Mr. Brightside" and "bloody happy moron". Fresh from his flight from Italy, we are very privileged to have with us, Annoyingly Optimistic Aro!!

-AOA skips onto the stage throwing flowers while singing "I'm walking on Sunshine."-

Fan girls: -with a WTF look- Um…yay?

AOA: Hey guys! Isn't it a great day?

Fan girls: …

TDIB: Welcome to the show, Aro! How are you today?

AOA: Everyday is a good day for me! The sun would be shining, the birds would be singing, and I would be in Volterra everyday reading people's minds, sucking up blood, or playing human chess!

TDIB: Ah, human chess?

AOA: Yep! Basically, it's like normal chess, but the pieces are replaced with humans! Then when we take the pieces, we eat it!

TDIB: …Right then -Tries to move away from AOA- So, why are you so, um, happy all the time?

AOA: Well, someone in the Volturi should be the sunshine of the group. With Caius being a meanie, Marcus being an apathetic emo zombie and Demetri, Felix and Heidi flirting with everyone, it seemed like no one has the time to just enjoy life as it is. -sigh-

TDIB: Okay then Aro, but how do other people respond to your, erm, bubbly personality?

AOA: -small giggles- Hehe, well, they seem to take it very well. -coughs from a large group of well-dressed people at the back- I mean, generally, they enjoy my company, although sometimes I could be a tad far-fetch an-

Caius: -suddenly stands up from the large group at the back and points at AOA- Far-fetch?! FAR-FETCH?! YOU PAINTED MY ROOM BRIGHT YELLOW, GAVE MARCUS AND ALEC A MANICURE, DRESSED UP A CHIHUAHUA CALLED FLUFFYKINS IN PINK, AND YOU STILL HAVE THE -beep-ING NERVE TO CALL IT "A TAD FAR-FETCH"?!

TDIB: -Stands up- Woah, woah, woah! (To Caius) When, and why, did you come here? Not that you are not welcomed, of course.

Caius: Well, when Aro got that letter to come here to an interview, we were immediately worried that he might, erm, do something that we will later regret. So we secretly followed him on the plane, and came here to check on him.

TDIB: Okay then, but it seemed like the whole of the Volturi is there. Why? Isn't one or two people enough?

Jane: Well, to be honest with you, we just came to see Aro humiliate himself. Plus, the population in Europe is dwindling and we need more blood.

-Silence-

Fan girls: -Starts running around panicking- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

- After much screaming and running through the exit doors-…

Jane: -looking around- Geez, I'm only joking…

**Please tell me of any ideas you have with ANY character in Twilight that was not mentioned! I'm running out of them, but I want the story to continue!**

**You know the drill by now. Review please!**

**Up next: Paul!**


	11. Chapter 11: Serious Sam

**Special thanks to Miss Bliss03 for giving me this awesome idea! You rock, along with the others who support me!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, although I do own The Host. It was twenty five dollars at Dymocks. **

TDIB: Well hi again! Yes, as you can see, the glass wall is still there, and no, the tomatoes and eggs are not making a comeback until further notice –grumbles from the fans-. Now onto our next guest today, whose brain is made of per cent work, 19 per cent Emily, and 1 per cent disciplining the pack. Please welcome: Serious Sam!

-Fans go hysterical and wave 'Sam and Emily 4ever' as Sam walks on stage only in khaki shorts-

TDIB: -mutters to herself- Maybe I should have less shirtless guys on next time…

SS: -mumbles to himself- This better be good. Quil is on watch today and I need to make sure that he is not being distracted by Claire and miss something…

TDIB: Hello Sam! Take a seat!

SS: No thanks. I need to be alert for any suspicious activity around Forks and La Push. You never know, there might be another Victoria, Laurent, or a police officer with a gun trying to shoot you down.

TDIB: Don't worry; I'm sure it's okay. Besides, I'm confident the pack and the Cullens -swooning from the audience- could handle it without you for five minutes.

SS: Yeah well, it's still best to be on the lookout anyway.

TDIB: -shrugs- Fine then. So anyway, as the leader of the werewolf pack, why are you so dedicated to your job, considering the fact that you don't actually want to be a werewolf?

SS: Well, since Paul got anger management issues, Quil and Jared only think about their imprints, and the rest of them are trying to prank each other, I believe that I should be the one asserting discipline into the pack, whether they like it or not.

TDIB: -nods- Uh huh. But don't you ever stop to think that you might be a teeny bit too involved in your work? Don't you make time to spend with your imprint Emily?

SS: Yeah, about five minutes per day, an-

-Splash-

SS: -Yelling- WHAT THE –beep- IS THAT?! AND WHY AM I DRIPPING WET?!

TDIB: -picks up a piece of wet rubber and holds it up- I think that might be the answer. –Crinkles nose- Ew, you stink like a wet dog…Oh wait, never mind…

-Embry and Quil both walk on stage laughing in nothing but shorts-

Fan girls: -sighs and claws at face- Pleasure overload, pleasure overload…

Embry: -grinning- That was AWESOME, Quil! The water bomb hit the back of his head!

Quil: -high fives Embry- Thanks al-

SS: -points at the two guys- YOU –beep-ING BASTARDS!! WHAT THE –beep- WAS THAT FOR?!

Embry: Awww come on boss, we just want to have a little fun!

Quil: Yeah Captain! Can't you take a joke? You got to admit, that was a great aim! Besides, it was Embry who threw it!

Embry: WHAT?! LIAR! IT WAS QUIL, I SWEAR IT WAS QUIL!

SS: ENOUGH! Quil, aren't you suppose to be on your watch?

Quil: -shuffling- Uh, yeah chief, but Jacob replaced me so I can do this…RUN, EMBRY, RUN!!

-The two guys runs off stage as SS starts chasing them-

TDIB: …Now, what did I say about not completing my interviews…

**Whew! One chapter down, several more to go! Keep the ideas coming, people, if you want the story to keep going! **

**Next guest -cough- casualty -cough-: Paul!**


	12. Chapter 12: Pissed Off Paul

**Like the previous chapter, this one was also Miss Bliss03's idea. Thanks for your never ending reviews and ideas! **

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: -begging- Please...at least let me have Edward Cullen!**

**Stephenie Meyer: No.**

TDIB: Well hello there! Today's guest has gone through numerous therapy sessions, two anger management courses, and still manages to outshine Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell when it comes to exploding with rage...and fur. Please, for safety reasons, welcome him: Pissed-Off Paul!

-Fan girls clap and swoon as Paul, dressed in only cut-off jeans, walks on stage with an angry expression on his face-

TDIB: -mutters to herself- Maybe I should have less shirtless guys on next time. (To Paul) Hey Paul! How are you today?

POP: Pissed. You bloody would be if you have to deal with a family of leeches -hisses from fan girls-, a jackass leader, and the clothing thief!

TDIB: The clothing thief?

POP: Yeah. That bastard snuck into my house and nicked all my -beep-ing clothes and underwear while I was having a bloody shower! -Starts shaking violently-

-A group of tall dark guys at the back began sniggering-

TDIB: Paul, please calm down; I plan to at least live long enough to interview the other characters and read Midnight Sun. -Paul slowly stops shaking and sits down- Anyway, despite all the anger management courses you'd taken up, why do you still have trouble keeping your temper in check?

POP: -yelling- I DON'T -beep-ING KNOW!! -Suddenly calms down- Although it has probably got to do with the fact that I kinda punched that therapy guy in the face. -Mutters to himself- Well, he deserved it, that fricking idiot. It's not my fault that he started prodding me with annoying questions and sh-t.

TDIB: Right then...so how do the pack deal with you being, erm, hot under the collar?

Egotistical Jacob the Jerk: -standing up from the group at the back- I'll take this one if you don't mind. -Growls from POP and Team Edward Girls- Given the fact that Paul is very easily pissed off...we, meaning everyone except Sam, decided to take advantage of that and pull pranks on him during our spare time. It doesn't matter how Paul reacts; it's all worth it.

Team Jacob Girls: -were too busy staring at Jacob's face to pay any attention to what he said-.

Random Team Edward Girl: Damn you Jacob!! You deserve to be slowly tortured, hanged, disembowled, quartered and ROT IN HELL!! ARGHHH!! -RTEG is being restrained by her friends and surrounding Twilighters as she tries to wring EJJ's neck-

TDIB: -standing up- Girls! We are NOT having this argument again!

Fan Girls: -In fighting mode- Awww...-sits back down again-

Jared: (To EJJ) You moron, now look what you did! Not only did you just spoil our chances of pranking Paul again, but he's losing it -points to the stage where POP was vibrating while gripping the chair tightly-.

POP: -in a strained voice- So you're the ones who stole my clothes and boxers!

EJJ: -snorts- No sh-t, Sherlock.

-POP slowly gets up from his chair and vibrates even more violently-

TDIB: -backs away slowly- You know what, I'll just be out now -quickly runs back stage-.

Jared: -staring at the stage/POP- Okay, he's gonna blow in 3...2...1...

-POP suddenly transforms into a massive werewolf, sending off surprised squeals from fans while butchering the table and both the seats-

(Meanwhile, somewhere back stage...)

TDIB: -thinking- Mental note to self – must not interview people who might kill off the coffee table and chair at the same time...

**Yup, another ending to a chappie! Sorry for the lame ending...**

**Send in your ideas if you want this story to continue! **

**One other note: Due to a couple of requests for Jane, I might do her, but I need ideas and a bit of time. I'll try to get around to doing her, so please be patient!**

**Next: Carlisle! -cackles in the backgroud-**


	13. Chapter 13: Buddha Calm Carlisle

**Special thanks to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, megs44 and Miss Bliss03 (again!) for this cool idea! Seriously, you guys are awesome with a capital A! Also, keep those reviews coming! **

**Disclaimer: I shall use simple logic - Stephenie Meyer is the creator of all things Twilight. I am not the creator of all things Twilight. Therefore, I am not Stephenie Meyer -sigh-...**

TDIB: Hello again! I'm sorry about what happened last time, but rest assured that our next guest will not explode into a massive furball...Well, we hope not. Anyway, please meet the original Stregoni Benefici – Buddha Calm Carlisle!!

-The audience starts swooning and sighing as BCC walks on stage with a calm expression on his face-

TDIB: Hello Car-weasel! How are you today?

BCC: -in a very patient voice with a slight British accent- Sorry, but my name is pronounced Car-ly-el, and I would appreciate it if you pronounced it right.

TDIB: Oh, my bad; I'll just call you Coleslaw from now on. 'Tis much easier. So, um-

BCC: -cutting off TDIB- I'm sorry to interrupt, but I would prefer it if you call me Carlisle, and not some mayonnaise-coated cabbage salad.

TDIB: So sorry. I forgot you're a vampire doctor and that you could kill me with your bare hands and/or scalpels, but moving on.You've lived and perfected both your aversion to blood and your temper for at least three centuries; what anti-aging cream did you use to prevent those wrinkles from appearing? I mean, come on, you can't live for hundreds of years without looking like a dehydrated mummy. Besides, I don't want my mum whining in my ear about her aging agonies. Well, what's the secret?

BCC: -looks really confused- Um, this isn't Oprah, is it?

TDIB: Hell no! Do _I _look like Oprah to you?! Even though I want to, I don't give away free Volvos and Porsches to the fans, okay?!

Random Fan Girl: -suddenly looks up from rereading _Breaking Dawn_- Whose giving out free Volvos, whose giving out free Volvos?! I want a silver Volvo, I want a silver Volvo NOW!! -starts hyperventilating and squealing Edward's name-

Rest of the Fans: ...

TDIB: -after a few moments of silence- ...Okay...

BCC: Wait, this is the Crappy Twilight Cliches Show, isn't it?

TDIB: Well duh...about time you figured it out...

BCC: But I-

TDIB: Anyway, since you're so freakishly calm, especially for a bloodsucker, I mean, vampire, does that mean virtually nothing, and I mean nothing, can make you lose your temper?

BCC: Well I don't know, probably...

TDIB: Really?

BCC: Er, yeah...

TDIB: Really?

BCC: Yes.

TDIB: Really?

BCC: Yes...

TDIB: Really?

BCC: Well, maybe not, if you keep going.

TDIB: Going on with what?

BCC: -sighs- Never mind...

TDIB: -shrugs- Okay then...oh Carly, one more thing.

BCC: What?

TDIB: -starts singing very loudly and off-key- I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves yes everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes...EVERYBODY NOW!!

Audience: -in unison- I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, EVERYBODY'S NERVES YES EVERYBODY'S NERVES. I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES...-this is repeated fifteen times-

BCC: -twitch- -twitch- -twitch-

TDIB: -grinning- Isn't my singing just great?

BCC: -sounding slightly irritated- Please don't sing that song again; I've heard that song since Emmett discovered YouTube, so now I'm sick to death of it. No pun intended.

TDIB: -nodding- Oh, I see, I see...oh yeah, before I forget, I need to tell you something very, very important.

BCC: Which is?

TDIB: -clears throat dramatically- I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves...

BCC: AAAAAAARGHHHHHH!! -starts running spastically towards the back-

TDIB: Okay, maybe I've gone a bit too far...

**Hehe...sorry Carlisle...I'll make it up to you with free therapy sessions :)**

**You're probably sick to death of hearing this, but thanks to all my reviewers and readers! If I could, I would mail silver Volvos to every single one of you!**

**Next up: Jane!!**


	14. Chapter 14: Demon Child Jane

**Hi again!! I know I haven't updated in about a week, but my computer kinda crashed –evil glares at said computer-. The good thing is though, my stuff was saved on my USB, so yeah…Thanks for being so patient! **

**Anyway, special thanks yet again to the main culprits – Miss Bliss03 and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, who personally requested to be featured in this chapter in exchange for a cyber lollipop. **

**Disclaimer: I might not be a famous author now, but hopefully I might be in my next life –cough- Stephenie Meyer –cough-**

TDIB: Welcome again! In reference to last time, I'm sorry for my sad attempt at pissing off Carlisle. I was trying to prove that even calm, compassionate vampires have their limits –awkward laugh-. Anywho, our guest today is not to be underestimated. She is like a toffee apple that has passed its used-by date – sweet on the outside, nasty on the inside. Please welcome, if you don't want a really bad migraine: Demon Child Jane!!

-Fan girls clap as DCJ walks on stage with a smug look on her face-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Rest of Fans: …

TDIB: …Um, okay then…Welcome to the show Jane! How are you today?

DCJ: Fabulous, as usual. Every vampire I know in the Volturi always goes out of their way to be on my good side!

TDIB: …Right…so, er, about your special little talent…when do you use it?

DCJ: -smiling- Whenever I want to; it's so useful sometimes, especially when someone pisses me off, or when I'm just plain bored. Seeing other people in pain…it's like watching someone getting kicked in the groin, only a hundred times better –laughs-.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: YAY JANE!! YOU GO GIRL!!

Random Fan Girl: (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Shut up and get lost, you freak!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -stands up- Fine, I will! –Storms out of the building-

TDIB: -nods to DCJ- …So…How often do you use it?

DCJ: -thinking- Hmmm…maybe around about twenty times a day, even more when Aro steals my voodoo dolls…

TDIB: Wait, voodoo dolls?

DCJ: Yeah, I make little voodoo dolls of everyone I know. Aro, Caius, Heidi, even Marcus. However, the funny thing is, when I wished for something on a particular doll, it happens to the corresponding person a few minutes later. Take the example of Aro last week. When I wished for Aro to have his library of comics and chess books to be burnt, he came running to my room dry sobbing about his 'Check-mating for Dummies' being in ashes five minutes later. He later tried to decapitate Felix for the deed after I told Aro it was him. But to be honest with you, I kinda felt sorry for Felix; it wasn't actually him who set fire to the library. Mind you, I really had nothing to do with it –cackles-.

TDIB: Yeah, of course no-

-TDIB is interrupted by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, who comes running on stage towards DCJ with a pen and a copy of New Moon-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -jumping up and down- Oh my God, Jane! I'm like, your biggest fan! Please sign my book, PLEASE!!

TDIB: -stands up and points at TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes – Hey! How did you get past the security?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -snorts- You call them security?! They were outside in the nearby park playing Cops and Robbers when I snuck backstage.

TDIB: Damn…maybe I should've gotten guards with a larger attention span an-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -squeals- JANE!! –Jumps up and rugby tackles DCJ-

TDIB: (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Erm, I don't think that's a spectacular idea, considering the fact th-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Can I have your autograph, please? Oh an- OWWW!! -Rolls on the floor while clutching head in pain- HOLY SON OF A –enter a long string of profanities that almost broke the censor machine-.

DCJ: -evil laugh- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! –Looks towards the fan girls- WHO'S NEXT?!

-Dramatic silence-

Everyone else besides DCJ: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! –Runs off towards the nearest exit.-

DCJ: -after a minute- …Hey! You forgot your book!

**Hope you enjoyed that as much as the lollipop I was eating (Mmm…sugary and pixel-ley goodness all in one…)**

**Up next: Mr Banner!!**


	15. Chapter 15: Sir Banner the Perv

**Ello again! Sorry for the long delay due to homework and tutoring -evil glares at parents and teachers-. Warning: Lameness and perving old men up ahead. God I felt so dirty writing this...Also, special thanks again to all those readers and reviewers!! **

**Disclaimer: I own Twilight as much as J.K Rowling owns the Inheritance Trilogy…which is none…**

TDIB: Hehe, yeah sorry about what happened last time. Let me assure you that Jane is somewhere in Italy now, and that our security backstage is tighter –glares at TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes-. Oh, by the way, our rotten tomatoes and eggs are back!! –Loud cheers from audience-. Our next guest today describes himself as sexy, smart and likes young teenage girls and sex. Wait, what? –To film crew- Is that what he really said?

Film Crew: Er…I don't really know…

TDIB: -sigh- Never mind. –Back to audience- So yeah… Please welcome on stage, Sir Banner the Perv!

-The fans boo and hiss as Mr Banner walks onto stage in what seems to be a seductive way-

TDIB: Well hello Mr Banner! Welcome to the show! Do take a seat –points to the chair-.

SBP: -sits down and stares at TDIB's chest- Yeah, hi…

TDIB: Erm, I don't want to be rude, but my face is up here. It may not be pretty, but please look at it when you're talking to me.

SBP: -glances up at TDIB- Er, oh yeah, I will. –Looks at TDIB's chest again and drools-

TDIB: -looking slightly uncomfortable- Okay then…So um, you're a Biology teacher at Forks High School for how many years now?

SBP: Ah, two, I mean five, yeah that's right, five…-bit of spit falls onto the floor-

TDIB: -shuffles in her seat- Right, so…who is your best student?

SBP: -looking up and down at TDIB creepily- I don't know…I had a couple of great nights with a few girls, teaching practical biology and such…

TDIB: -screeching- Say what?!

SBP: -jumps up from a daze- Oh, er, I mean, um, you know, ah, dissecting, erm, stuff like, ah, prawns! Yeah, that's right, I go over to their house for private tutoring and teach them to dissect prawns and other body parts and…ahhh…-starts staring and tries to reach at TDIB's chest again-.

TDIB: For the love of God, get your filthy, corrupted hands off me, you fugly paedophile!

SBP: -growls- Hmmm, playing hard to get, aren't we? Meow!

TDIB: -shudders- Um, moving on, what do you think of Lauren Mallory?

SBP: -starts drooling again- Oh so hot… -eyes starts glazing over-

TDIB: -looking shocked- …Okay…how 'bout, oh I don't know, Jessica Stanley?

SBP: Hot _and_ sexy, especially when she bends over the lab table in a singlet top…

TDIB: -looking really, _really_ disturbed now- Er, Bella…Swan?

SBP: Oh don't get me started on her! Those soft, kissable lips, the curvy figure, those two perfect…ahhh…-starts drooling on stage again-.

TDIB: -tries to shuffle away- Awkward moment, awkward moment…

SBP: …God, she is sooooooo hot, if only I could just touch her…for one night…she should be with me, not that stupid albino jock…

Fan Girls: -gasps-

Random Fan Girl: -shrugs- Ah heck…ATTACK!!

TDIB: Okay, I think that's my cue to leave –hurries off backstage with SBP looking at her butt-.

SBP: -stands up and looks around- Hey! Where did that hot lady g- -was cut off by a random tomato that was thrown in his face-

TDIB: -calls from backstage- Whoever gets his face or groin gets a free cyber lollipop!! I've got tons of them and they're really _really _good!!

Fan Girls: YAY!! LOLLIPOPS!! –starts throwing rotten food at SBP's head/groin-

SBP: -screaming- AHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT MY SEXY FACE!! OWWW!! MY MANHOOD!! OUCH!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS SHIT?! AAAAHHHHHH!!

-Meanwhile, backstage…-

TDIB: -on the phone- Hello, Chief Swan? Yeah, we have a problem concerning a very creepy and horny paedophile…

**Yeah, I know it's a bit lame, but to be honest, I'm almost fresh out of ideas. I'm considering wrapping up the whole story soon, so please give in your suggestions about this. I don't know whether to write up another story after this, but if I do, it's probably going to have the same crap attempt at humour as well. **

**Next up: Well, I don't know actually know...That's for you to decide...**


	16. Chapter 16: Laid Back Charlie

**Hey guys!! I'm so truly sorry for not updating for about a week. If it weren't for the homework overload, I might just have enough time on my hands…but I don't –sigh. Thanks to for giving me this idea, along with those who read and reviewed it. Free lollipops to all!!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

**Reader: …What, that's it?! Aren't you suppose to write some random joke or something?!**

**Me: I can't think of anymore witty stuff, okay? Besides, I like this; it's short, simple and direct.**

**Reader: It's boring, lame and stupid.**

**Me: -sigh- Just read the damn story…**

TDIB: Hello again! Before I begin, I would like to say thank you to everyone who threw tomatoes and eggs at that paedophiliac jackass who tried to "give me a good time", as he put it last time while I was backstage –shudder-. Moving on, today's guest, due his love of fishing, football, and pizza, is oblivious to his daughter's day-to-day lives with a vamp-oops, I mean an incredibly good-looking boyfriend and his eccentric family. Please make him feel welcome – Laid Back Charlie!!

-The fans clap as LBC walks on stage in a baseball jacket and cap-

TDIB: Welcome to the show, Charlie! How are you today?

LBC: NOOOOOOOOO!! THE –insert football team- LOST THE FOOTBALL MATCH!!

TDIB: Um, sorry, I don't follow what happens in the sporting world, but I'm sure that they played well an-

LBC: Are you kidding me?! They only lost because the –insert another football team- scored a penalty point!!

TDIB: Can we please get on with the interview and not talk about football?!

LBC: -grumbles- Isn't this the Footy Show?

TDIB: -gives LBC a weird look- Er, no…

LBC: -mutters to himself- Damn…

TDIB: Okay then…Let's talk about Bella. How many sleepovers does she go to every week?

LBC: -thinking- Hmmm, maybe around about four times a week…I dunno, but it's always with the Cullens.

TDIB: -nods- I see…What do you know about the Cullen family?

LBC: Ah, I owe a lot to Carlisle for helping Bells, but Edward is just a son of a b-

TDIB: Please, we would prefer it if you refrain from using that type of language.

Fan Girls: -cough- -cough-

LBC: -mumbles- Sorry…

TDIB: Anywho, what do you think would happen if I said that the Cullens are, well I don't know, a coven of vamp-

-Over Protective Edward suddenly runs up on stage with Klutzy Blushing Bella in his arms. The rest of the Cullen family soon follows behind.-

Fan Girls: -starts fanning themselves- Edward…Cullen…Jasper…Emmett and Carlisle…so hot…-faints-

TDIB: What the –insert a long string of swear words that lasted for about five minutes-

LBC: Um, you did say something about not swearing, didn't you?

TDIB: Yeah, well…shut up! (To the Cullen clan) What the hell are you doing here?! And how did you get past the new security?!

OPE: -snorts- You call them security? The female guards were hyperventilating on the floor when we walked past them, mumbling about "Christmas coming early" or something. Honestly, you shouldn't let fan girls be your security.

TDIB: -mutters- Ah crap…not again…

_Meanwhile, somewhere in the audience…_

Delusional Mike: -thinking- Okay, rotten tomatoes? Check. Eggs? Check. Sleek handsome Mike? Double check. Time to humiliate Cullen while having Bella fall in love with me!

_Back on stage…_

OPE: -smiles his crooked smile that made the audience squeal- Now, if you would excuse me, I think Mike Newton –points towards the dark figure at the back- wants to pelt all of us with food that has passed its used by date. –whispers into TDIB's ear- Oh, and I would prefer it if you don't tell Charlie the whole secret.

TDIB: -stutters- Er, yeah, um, okay…-walks unsteadily towards the back-

OPE: Oh, and girls, Mike's over there if you want to take him down –walks towards the nearest exit with KBB and the other Cullens-

Random Fan Girl: …Ah, what the heck. Fire!!

-Fans starts throwing rotten food at DM-

DM: AAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY HOT SEXY SHIRT!! NOT AGAIN!!

**Hehe, not really what you expected, was it?**

**Yeah, once again, sorry for the long delay…and I still need more ideas, so please review if you do have them. However, I am considering wrapping up the story once and for all in the next chapter or two, and probably ending it with a series of bloopers an- oops, I'd revealed too much…**

**Oh, and before I forget, after "The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show", should I write a new story about – **

**Four friends (who happens to be Twilight freaks) trying to prove that their school principal is a vampire (the characters are loosely based on me and my friends), OR**

**A range of parodies of clichéd plotlines with me popping up at random moments**

**Please tell me!!**

**Next up: God, I still don't know…**


	17. Chapter 17: Ditzy Renee

**Thanks, yet again, to Miss Bliss03 for this idea. Honestly, you're awesome!! Also, danke schon (German for thank you; I feel like talking in tongues today) to everyone who read and/or reviewed this crap-tacular story. Free lollipops to you!!**

**Disclaimer: No matter how many times I wish for it, no matter how many times I dream about it, I am not Stephenie Meyer. Therefore, Edward Cullen doesn't belong to me –cries in a corner-. **

TDIB: Hey everyone! Yes, the tomatoes and eggs are still here –cheers from the crowd-, and as usual, please don't aim them at me or anyone else in the audience.

Fan Girls: -groans- Awww…

TDIB: Yeah, moving on. Our guest today says that, despite her daughter being the middle-aged person amongst the two, it is she, I mean said guest, which has Alzheimer's disease. Be sure to keep an eye out for her things, please welcome – Ditzy Renee!!

-Fans clap as DR walks on stage with a wide grin on her face-

DR: -waves to audience- Hi everybodyyyyyyyyyy!!

Fans: …

TDIB: Welcome to the show, Renee! Here's a seat for you.

DR: Wait for a sec. –turns towards the fans- I want to take a picture of everyone here, wait. –Rummages through her handbag- Oh crap, I forgot the camera…and my phone…and my keys…

TDIB: -sigh- Please take a seat.

DR: -pouts- Fine. –Sits on the chair and puts her handbag behind it-

TDIB: Before we begin, I must say that the shirt you're wearing is very…interesting.

DR: You think?! Why, thank you!

TDIB: Um, it's on backwards, and I think it's inside out. I can see the tags and the seams.

DR: Really?! –Checks shirt collar and pulls out tag- Oh…I see…

TDIB: -with a WTF look- …Okay then…Bella has constantly referred to herself as "the mother" out of the two of you. Why do you think it's like that?

DR: -laughs- It's probably because of the fact that she isn't as forgetful as I am. At least she doesn't lose her stuff on a daily basis –sigh-.

TDIB: I see…so um, anything else?

DR: -looks confused- Anything else to what?

TDIB: Is there anymore reasons why you're more childish than Bella?

DR: Ohhh…Besides the fact that I have a crap memory, I'm definitely more immature than her, an- oooh look!! –Suddenly points at her diamond ring- It's sparkling, it's sparkling!! Ooooh!! –After gazing at left hand for five minutes- So… What were we talking about?

TDIB: -smacks forehead- We were talking about…oh never mind…

DR: -suddenly panics- OMG!! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY HANDBAG?! –Starts running around on stage spastically-

TDIB: -mutters to herself- I would tell you, but this is too interesting…

DR: -points to fan girl in front- YOU BITCH!! YOU STOLE MY FUCKING HANDBAG!!

Fan Girl in Front: -becomes nervous- Aahh, no I didn't!

DR: DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME, BITCH! I KNOW YOU TOOK MY LOUIS VUTTON HANDBAG! YOU DON'T HONESTLY THINK IT'S HIDING BEHIND A CHAIR AN- -is cut off by an egg thrown at her face-

Fan Girl in Front: -shouting- FOR THE LAST, FREAKING TIME, I DID NOT TAKE YOUR FUGLY HANDBAG!! –Pants- Eeesh…

TDIB: Er Renee? She's actually right, you know –points behind the seat-.

DR: Huh? –Looks behind the chair- Oooh, found it!! –Looks through handbag- Hey! Someone nicked my camera, my phone and my keys!!

TDIB: -sigh- Why did I even bother…?

**Okay, okay. The ending was kinda lame, I know, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else…**

**There is a poll up on my profile now on what kind of story I should do after "The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show". Here are the choices and a summary (that needs editing) – **

**OMC!! The Principal is a Vampire!!**

Alice, Steph, Tash and Nancy. Four friends enrolled in a well-known, uni-sex private school in Sydney, who just got a new principal at the start of the school year. But what do you get when you cross four Twilight freaks, an albino headmistress, and sugar? A whole lotta trouble…

**Plotline Parodies – **

The last thing the archives of Twilight Fanfiction need is another crap Truth or Dare, "Victoria changes Bella into a vampire" or "Edward leaves again" story. However, the last thing any of the characters in the unoriginal plots need is some random Twi-hard popping up in their world and screwing up their life. Oh, I'm going to have fun with this…

**The poll is open until I post the last chapter of "The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show". Please vote and tell me what I should write next!**

**Next: -shrugs shoulders- I don't know anymore…**


	18. Chapter 18: Mother Hen Esme

**Hey again! Thanks to every single one of you who read, reviewed and/or added me onto story alerts/favourites/etc. Special thanks to otera for this awesome idea!! You rock!!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: I am Stephenie Meyer, and I own the Twilight Series!!**

**Bella: No you don't.**

**Me: Yes I do, now shut up and go make out with Edward!**

**Bella: Only if you say that you do not own the books.**

**Me: -sniffs- You're mean! Fine then! –Takes deep breath- I do not own the oh-so-great Twilight Saga… (To Bella) Happy now?! You're happy now?! –Breaks down and cries-**

TDIB: Hello, once again!! As most of you can see, we now have that glass wall and no tomatoes –groans from audience-. Anyway, our guest today has agreed to fly here for an interview…after cleaning out the house, taking out the trash and force-feeding Bella some cauliflower and lima beans. Please welcome – Mother Hen Esme!!

-Fans cheers and wave 'Carlisle –hearts- Esme' posters as MHE walks on stage with an apron-

MHE: (To audience) Shhh…you're all very loud, you do know that, don't you? –Proceeds to dust the stage and arranged the furniture perfectly-

MHE: -Hums Pachelbel's Canon in D while dusting the Film Crew-

TDIB: Er, Esme? Please take a seat.

-MHE sits down and looks at TDIB-

MHE: -points to TDIB's ankles- My dear, when was the last time you washed your socks?

TDIB: -gives MHE a WTF look- Um, yesterday…why?

MHE: I could see a few specks of dirt on them. Honestly, you should wash them more properly.

TDIB: Huh? –Stares at her socks for a long time- I don't see anything…

MHE: -looks up and down at TDIB- I say, you look a bit…well, how am I going to say this…a bit…tubby around the waist... When was the last time you ate something green? Or have you been eating chocolate again?

TDIB: What? No, no, I had Brussels sprouts last night –face crinkles up in disgust-, an- Wait, who's the one interviewing?! _I_ should be asking the questions!!

MHE: -looks embarrassed- Oh sorry dear, I should've known better…but your tum-tum is bulging a bit; don't you do any sport?

TDIB: -small laugh-Hehe, yeah…badminton…chess…piano…the odd PE lessons every week… -Gives MHE a nervous smile- You sound just like my mum!!

MHE: -smiles- Why thank you!! –Takes out a bowl of vegetables and a fork, and spears out a large chunk of red capsicum- Here comes the aeroplane!! –Tries to feed TDIB the capsicum-

TDIB: -panics- But I hate capsicum!!

MHE: -in a sweet, motherly voice- But you need Vitamin A!!

TDIB: -mumbles- I don't want Vitamin A! –Looks at MHE- Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that…

MHE: Come on now, you need your veggies dear.

TDIB: -turns head away from MHE- I already ate a large plate of broccoli, okay?! Honest!

MHE: Oh come on, just one bite of capsicum wouldn't hurt, would it?

TDIB: -mutters- It would leave a strong aftertaste in my mou- -Is cut off by MHE shoving the capsicum in TDIB's mouth-

MHE: Spit it, and I'll get Alice to give you a makeover…again!!

TDIB: -face is twisted in disgust- Zish…ish…sho…grossh…

MHE: Now chew it.

–TDIB reluctantly chews the capsicum, before swallowing-

MHE: -smiles- There, that wasn't so bad now, was it?

TDIB: -gags for five minutes- Oh shit, the aftertaste… God I need to go to the bathroom!!

-TDIB quickly runs backstage to the nearest sink-

MHE: (To audience) Now, remember to eat two fruits and five vegies a day, every day. Eat less candy and more apples and bananas. After all, fruit is nature's candy!!

-The sound of someone vomiting backstage is heard-

MHE: -with an anxious expression- Hehe, bye!! –Mutters to herself- How her mother coped with her, I don't know, but I would hate to have her as a baby…

**Yep, another end to another chapter! Oh, and if you're wondering, I do hate Brussels sprouts and capsicum.**

**The poll is still open, and it will be until the last chapter of 'The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show'. I don't know when that will be, but it's probably going to be the next chappie unless I get another good idea or two. Anyway, read and review!!**

**Next guest: I don't know…**


	19. Chapter 19: Chess Geek Eric

**Yeah, sorry that it took a long time to update the previous chappie, so in order to make up for the delay, here's the next one!! Enjoy!!**

**Thanks to TeamVampire for this spectacular idea!!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Are you a Mormon? No.**

**Do you live in Arizona, the USA? Definitely not**

**Does Edward talk in your head? Yes, and I nicknamed him Spunk Ransom**

**Are you good at English? Unfortunately not :(**

**Are you married in real life? –shakes head-**

**Do you have three children? Nup…**

**If you have answered NO to at least five of the above questions, you are definitely not Stephenie Meyer, so therefore don't own the Twilight Series…**

**Me: Damn, that's the fifth time I've got that…**

TDIB: -mutters to herself- Oh God, the aftertaste is still there… -Looks up to the audience- Why hello again! To start off, we have the tomatoes and eggs today!! –Whoops from hyper fan girls-. Yah, something tells me that you'll need them, so please welcome him on stage – Chess-Geek Eric!!

-Fans boo and hiss as CGE walks on stage with black, thick-rimmed Harry Potter-style glasses while playing on a random portable game boy-

TDIB: Welcome Eric! How are you today?

CGE: Shut up!! If you cannot see, I'm in a chess game here!

TDIB: -peers over CGE's shoulder- Oooh, really? Who's winning?

CGE: Wait… Big mistake, my little technological friend! Queen to E5!

TDIB: Erm… -points at the screen- I don't really think that's a good idea, considering the fact tha-

CGE: -with a cry of anguish- NOOOOOOOOOO!! IT CHECKMATED ME!! REMATCH!! REMATCH!!

TDIB: NO REMATCHES!! PLAY IT IN YOUR OWN SPARE TIME!!

CGE: -whimpers- But I was beaten by a piece of metal crap in chess!! And I was playing white!!

TDIB: -sigh- Can we please stop talking about chess?! As much as I love chess, which is quite a lot, you're not here to talk about chess!!

CGE: -grumbles- I thought this is an interview for the runner-up in the latest tournament for under 20s…

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Uh huh… Wait, do you do anything else besides chess?!

CGE: Um, duh… I play a couple of role-play games on the Internet, Pokemon, Mario-

TDIB: Okay, fine. Do you do anything else besides sitting in front of the computer, game boy and/or chessboard?!

CGE: -thinking- Well now come to think of it…I do a lot of nuclear and quantum physics at and after school. I don't know why every other teenager hates it so much, but it's just so fascinating to see blocks of wood and paper falling from a building at a constant velocity.

TDIB: -nods- Ah…sorry, I'm not a big fan of physics myself, to be honest with you. It is such a bore…But moving on, do you still have a crush on Bella Swan?

CGE: -with that retarded, pimply faraway look- Ah Bella…the epitome of perfection…with eyes the colour of my physics folder, skin as white as my chess pieces –sigh-… I don't really know why she would choose that pale-as jerk of her boyfriend over me. After all, you and I both know that the only way to turn on a girl on is to challenge her to a chess game, not to take her to an expensive restaurant and drive her around town!!

Random Fan Girl #1: -gasps- He just insult the ever-so-awesome Edward!!

RFG #2: That is sooooooooo not the way to turn a girl on!!

RFG #3: I'm so glad that Bella chose Edward –swoon- over that scrawny nerd!!

RFG #4: -shrugs- Meh…ATTACK!!

TDIB: Sayonara suckers!! –Runs backstage-

CGE: -looks towards the angry fans- Huh, what th- -is cut off by an egg in the face-

RFG #5: I know!! Aim at the groin!!

-Dramatic silence from audience and CGE-

RFG #6: -shrugs- Ah, whatever –throws tomato at CGE's manhood-.

CGE: -in a girly scream- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!

(Meanwhile, somewhere backstage)

TDIB: Don't worry, Eric. Just by being on this show, you have scored yourself a five year supply of Pro-activ Pimple Care! Hopefully, after at least a year, you'll realise that not all girls love strategy games and physics…

**Ah, poor Eric… you kinda have to feel sorry for the poor bloke…**

**If any of you are wondering, I am not insulting nerds of any kind. I am one of them, and am proud to be one. I just don't like physics, that's all…**

**Judging from what I'm seeing in the polls, it looks like Plotline Parodies are the more popular choice. I'm currently doing both the last chapter of this story and the first chapter of the second story, so be patient!**

**Next up: Not quite sure, maybe the last chappie unless I get good ideas…**


	20. Chapter 20: Crazy Bitch Victoria

**Ciao again! I've got some good news, and some bad news. Good news? Next Thursday will be the last day of school!! YAY!! The bad news? Next term will be my end-of-year exams (NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!), so during my two-week hols, I would most likely be making notes for my subjects –pouts-. We'll see how it goes…**

**Oh, before I forget, special thanks to Miss Bliss03 and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (again!) for this idea. Free lollipops for you!!**

**Warning: OOCs and lameness overload up ahead…**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer, I do not own the Twilight Series, nor do I live in Arizona (although Australia in the summer is probably just as hot, if not, hotter…)**

TDIB: Hi everyone! Considering the fact that we're dealing with non-vegie vamps again, the glass wall is back!!

Fans: -groans- Not again…

TDIB: Today's guest has just miraculously rose from the dead for an exclusive interview. Whether you love her or hate her, please give her your full support – Crazy Bitch Victoria!!

-Fans boo and hiss as CBV comes on stage in a straight jacket-

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Um…Victoria?

CBV: -gives TDIB a death glare-

TDIB: You need any help?

CBV: -shakes head as she tries to hurl herself onto the seat-

TDIB: You know, you could just speak…

CBV: -nods- I know, but I just prefer not to.

TDIB: Ah, okay then…but it would be helpful if you do talk.

CBV: Yeah, yeah, whatever…

TDIB: So anyway…why did you change James when he was really fugly?

CBV: Because he stole my Fuzzykins!!

TDIB: Er, Fuzzykins?

CBV: Yeah, he was my teddy bear, and that idiot stole it when he was human! So I changed him into a vampire!!

TDIB: Uh huh, but what was the point of that?

CBV: -thinking- Well, come to think of it…what _was _the point of that? But anyway, in order for me to get my Fuzzykins back, I have to seduce James so that he would give it to me…

TDIB: -smiles- And it turned into a love story?

CBV: Are you kidding me?! I hated him!! I swear, I think he has a love affair with that video camera of his, filming his victims and posting it on YouTube...he was getting kinda big-headed when Edward –swoons from Fan Girls- finished him off.

TDIB: Wait, if you hated James, then why did you swore vengeance to Bella?

CBV: -shouting- BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING PISSED OFF THAT JAMES DIDN'T TELL ME WHERE THAT TEDDY BEAR WAS BEFORE HE DIED!! –Suddenly calms down- Plus, I was bored, and Laurent ditched me, so I wanted a new companion…

TDIB: -nods- So is that why you created those group of newborns?

CBV: Yeah, although they really pissed me off with their "My throat is burning" and "Where's my human mummy" and blah –shudders-.

TDIB: Wait…James wasn't really your mate then.

CBV: -mutters- Well, about time you figured that out… James, my mate?! Not after what he did to my Fuzzykins! –Dry sob-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -holds a brown teddy bear while shouting from the audience- How can you _not _like James?! He's just so hot…and sexy…-sigh-

CBV: -gasp- My…Fuzzykins!! –Points at said teddy bear- THAT SON OF A BITCH GAVE YOU _MY_ FUZZYKINS?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -hugs plushie bear closer- WTF? THIS IS _MY _FUZZYKINS, BITCH! NOT YOURS!!

CBV: -shouting- GIVE ME BACK MY FUZZYKINS!! –Tries to ram herself through the glass wall, which is a bit hard when you're in a straight jacket-

TDIB: Erm…Victoria?

CBV: My –head buts wall- Fuzzykins…-Tries to kick the glass until it only cracks- I'm coming, Fuzzy, Mummy's coming…-throws whole body against the wall-

TDIB: -sigh- Give it up, Vicky…Get over it, won't you?

CBV: -Dry sobs- But it has been through a lot with me…

TDIB: -groans- Why did I even do this…

**Wow, randomness galore…**

**Okay, okay, I know James was Victoria's mate and blah, but I kinda did warn you it was going to be a bit OOC, what with the teddy bear and the straight jacket…**

**Okay, so I'm almost finished with the last chappie of 'The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show', is halfway through the first chapter of 'Plotline Parodies' (well, it **_**does**_** look like it's the most popular one), and is a quarter of the way through the second chappie! Woohoo!!  
**

**Next guest: -shrugs shoulders- Why are you asking me?!**

**Random Fan Girl: Um, because you're the author…**

**TDIB: Damn, well I don't know, okay? So there…**


	21. Chapter 21: Serial Killer James

**Hiya!! It's the holidays for me, so you might see me update my stories more often for two weeks! Wooohooo!! Anyway, special thanks to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (again!) for this idea and for pestering me to use it…**

**Disclaimer: I might not own Twilight, but I do own several Team Edward and Team Alice badges!!**

TDIB: Hello again! Yes, the glass wall is back, and for a very good reason. –Groans from audience-. Now, our guest today was ranked YouTuber of the Year for his…erm…interesting home videos…-shudder-. Fresh from the dead, please give it up for Serial Killer James!!

-Audience boos and hiss as SKJ saunters on stage with a video camera and an evil smirk-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -squealing- MARRY ME, JAMES!! MARRY ME!!

Audience: Um…WTF?

TDIB: Hello James! Welcome to the show!!

SKJ: -holding the camera in front of him- (To camera) Okay, so this is my next intended victim. Um yeah, look at that –moves camera up and down on TDIB-. So, she might not suspect me of anything, but I-

TDIB: You do realise that I could hear everything you're saying…

SKJ: -startles- Huh, oh! Um, it's just an intro for my latest YouTube video and, er, I've decided to narrate a horror story for a change, hehe, yeah…

TDIB: Riiight…riiight…

SKJ: Wait, what's your name?

TDIB: -with a WTF look- The Dawn Is Breaking…why?

SKJ: (To camera) So everyone, meet 'The Dawn Is Breaking'. Yep, the next minute, the only thing breaking would be her limbs an-

TDIB: EXCUSE ME?!

SKJ: -turns towards TDIB- Erm, yeah…you're not supposed to hear that –cough-…

TDIB: -thinking- Oh God, this is not happening…Where's Edward when you needed him…

SKJ: So anyway, before I was so rudely disturbed –glares at TDIB-, basically, I'm going to tore out her bones in a painful way, befor-

-Is interrupted by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes running on stage with a pen and her copy of Twilight-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: OMC!! I LOVE YOU JAMES!! CAN I _PLEASE _HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!

TDIB: NOT YOU AGAIN!! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME YOU ASKED A VAMPIRE FOR AN AUTOGRAPH?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: I DON'T CARE!! I WANT HIS AUTOGRAPH, AND I'M GOING TO GET HIS AUTOGRAPH. NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES!!

TDIB: -sigh- So you got over Jane?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -grins goofily- Yeah, pretty much…

(Meanwhile…)

SKJ: (To his video camera) Excellent. With my prey distracted, I can now launch my unexpected 'jump-ten-feet-high-and-land-on-her' attack!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! –Puts his camera on the floor and crouches and prepares to spring towards TDIB/TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes-

(Back to TDIB and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes)

TDIB: (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Honestly, what the hell is with you and random vampires that nobody really likes?! I mean, come on! JAMES?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Well, only I could appreciate the major awesomeness of James, Jane and Ale-

-Is interrupted by Over Protective Edward running on stage-

Fan Girls: -swoons- BITE ME, EDWARD!! BITE ME!!

OPE: (To TDIB/ TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) I suggest that you girls make a run for it now an-

SKJ: (To OPE) –Still crouching- Ahh, Edward…we meet again…

OPE: -growls and crouches- You might have died once, but I'll make sure that you'll die again.

SKJ: (To camera on the floor) People, meet Edward. Once upon a time, I got his damsel in distress, and man, does she taste good! I have uploaded the video on the website, so catch it o-

-OPE attacks SKJ and wrestles him-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: (To OPE) NO!! NOT JAMES!! BAD EDWARD!! BAD EDWARD!!

TDIB and Fan Girls: -chants- EDWARD! EDWARD! EDWARD! EDWARD!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: JAMES! JAMES! JAMES! JAMES!

-Dramatic silence-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: What? You got to see James' hotness…

Everyone else: -shudder-

TDIB: You two! Stop fighting! If you have to fight, go outside!

OPE: But he'll kill you and everyone else here! –Punches SKJ in the face-

TDIB: I don't care! Drag him outside then! –OPE drags SKJ outside-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: No James!! I'm coming with you James!!

TDIB: -grabs TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes' arm- Don't go anywhere! Do you want to be human mincemeat?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: For James, willingly!

TDIB: -sigh- You're not going anywhere, and that's final!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -whimpers- But James…James…

TDIB: -sigh- Yeah, this is what I meant when I said I don't complete my interviews…

**Hehe, man that chappie sucked…**

**Okay, the last chapter might be next, because I'm practically out of ideas. It seems like 'Plotline Parodies' is the most popular, so I've started on that. I probably will get around to write the other story, but only time will tell (I'm no Alice, okay?!).**

**Oh yeah, thanks to all those people who read and reviewed! Free lollipops to you all!!**

**Next up – Dunno, maybe the last chapter…**


	22. Chapter 22: Nessie the Mute

**Hello again!! Don't worry, this is not the last chapter, but I fear that the end will come pretty soon…Anyway, there's like a lot of people wanting me to do Renesmee, so after three weeks thinking about it, here it is!! Thanks to those who suggested this, and also to those who read and reviewed my story!! Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: Not Stephenie Meyer, not Stephenie Meyer…**

TDIB: Ello everyone!! As you can see, we have the glass wall in place, and the groans are probably starting…NOW! –Groans from audience-. Yeah, so today, we have scored an exclusive interview with the one and only Nessie the Mute!!

-Fans claps and cheers as toddler-sized NM walks gracefully on stage, with Egotistical Jacob the Jerk holding her hand-

TDIB: Renesmee!! How are you today?

NM: -reaches to TDIB and touches her cheek-

TDIB: -smiles- Well, that very good! Thanks for coming here! (To EJJ) Well hi Jacob! Finally you got a shirt on!

Naomirocks: -shouting- I LIKE HIM BETTER HALF-NAKED!

Team Edward Fans: -shudder-

EJJ: Yeah, I was forced to wear it when Edward said it was too inappropriate for Nessie…-grumbles- She loves it just fine, she showed me herself…

TDIB: Uh huh…anyway, that's a really pretty dress you got there Nessie!

-NM touches EJJ's cheek-

EJJ: She says thank you, and that it's a dark red Chanel dress.

NM: -smiles-

TDIB: Chanel?! I didn't know they made dresses for kids!

EJJ: Well, neither did I until Alice dragged Bella, Edward and Nessie out shopping. I have to come along as well…-mutters under his breath- God, if it weren't for sweet Nessie and those in-store mirrors, I would've died… As if it wasn't embarrassing enough that I'm one of the only two guys in the kiddies' area…

TDIB: Um, what do you mean, the in-store mirrors?

EJJ: Well, I have to look at something sexy when I'm waiting for Nessie to get changed. In other words, me –points at himself-.

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Okay then. (To NM) –In a soothing voice- You know, it would be better if you actually speak and let the whole audience hear what you're saying.

NM: -shakes head and presses hand to EJJ's face-

EJJ: She prefers showing it to you or me, and then we say it for her.

TDIB: Awww come on, Nessie! Say something!

NM: -covers mouth with hands-

TDIB: Please? Honestly, just showing me the stuff is kinda creepy. It would be more convenient if you actually say it out loud.

NM: -presses her hand to TDIB's cheek-

TDIB: Okay then. (Points to the audience) Say it out loud to the audience. Say it out loud to the au-

-Is interrupted by Naomirocks sprinting on stage with a pen and a large cloth bag of books and Twilight merchandise-

Naomirocks: -squealing- I LOVE YOU JACOB!! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!

TDIB: (To Naomirocks) Okay, how did you get pass the security?!

Naomirocks: Dude, I've seen better security in a child care centre, okay? Besides, if TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes can do it, so can I!

TDIB: -mutters- Note to self – get guard dogs and pepper spray…

Naomirocks: JAKE!! –Hugs EJJ- CAN YOU PLEASE SIGN ALL OF THIS FOR ME? –Empties all of Twilight merchandise onto the table and hands EJJ a pen-

EJJ: -eyes the large pile warily- Er…I'll try, but my wrist would be sore tomorrow, an-

TDIB: -looks around- Hey, where did the audience go?

-A large group of fan girls run up on stage either carrying a bag of Twilight stuff or a crowbar/baseball bat-

TDIB: -screeches- HOLY SON OF A…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Team Jacob Fans: WE WANT HIS AUTOGRAPH AND HIS SEXINESS!!

Team Edward Fans: WE WANT HIS JAW BROKEN AFTER WHAT HE DID TO BELLA IN ECPLISE!!

Team Switzerland: -shrugs- Meh, we just want to watch the two teams fight each other…

Naomirocks: HEY!! BACK OFF!! I CAME HERE FIRST, SO I GET HIM FIRST!!

TJF: -in unison- FINE!! I'M NEXT THEN!! -Glares at each other- NO, I'M NEXT!!

EJJ: -grins- Please, girls! There's enough Jacob here, even for the bloodsucker fans! –Takes shirt off-

TDIB: -covers NM's eyes- Jesus…not again…

TJF: -starts hyperventilating- Oh…God…so…hot…so…hot…-Runs towards EJJ and starts hugging and stroking his stomach/chest- Wow…feel the abs…

TEF: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH WHEN BELLA MARRIED THAT PERFECT ANGEL CALLED EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN?!

TS: -cackles- Anytime now…anytime…

NM: -presses hand on TDIB's face-

TDIB: (To NM) Don't worry, I'm sure your Jakey-wakey will be fine…he's just…being surrounded by…people that like him…-grimaces at the smiling EJJ with TJF shielding him from TEF-

TEF: -holds up their weapon of choice- Move over, you pup lovers! It's our turn! –Advances forward towards EJJ-

TJF: Get lost, parasites! You will not harm a single strand of smexy hair from the awesome Jacob Black!!

TS: -mutters under their breath- Let the fun begin…

TDIB: (To the two opposing teams) FIGHT, AND I'LL GET JAMES, VICTORIA AND MIKE TO SLOWLY KILL OR SEXUALLY HARRASS YOU!!

-Dramatic silence-

TJF and TEF: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! NOT GOLDEN RETRIEVER BOY!! –Runs off stage while dragging EJJ-

TDIB: -lets go of NM, who sprints after EJJ- All well, at least that worked…

Random Team Switzerland Fan: (To TDIB) Damn you, party-pooper! I just betted ten bucks on Team Ed-

-Is interrupted by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes running on stage while dragging an unconscious fan girl-

TDIB: (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes): Oh God, what do _you_ want now?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -points to unconscious fan girl- I just hit this Team Jacob girl in the head…do I get killed by James now?

TDIB: -glares at TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- …Piss off…

**Yay!! Another end to another chapter!! **

**Okay, I don't actually know if Chanel has a line of clothes for toddlers (although it probably would be really expensive if it does…)**

**I've just about finished off the first chapter of 'Plotline Parodies' and has moved onto a second chapter. If you want to know, the first chappie would be on (really crap) Truth or Dare, and the second on IM Messaging (don't you just hate those…) **

**I'm also thinking of having a "Where are they now" bit in the last chapter, where we look over what happened to each of the characters after their interview…I don't know if I should add that in though, so please tell me!**

**Up next: Me do not know…**


	23. Chapter 23: Wise Ol' Billy

**Hey again!! Yeah, it was a longer than expected wait, but FINALLY my Internet is working, and as promised, two chappies of this story is up, along with my other story! Also, don't be surprised if I don't update more often, as I'm probably catching up with all the fanfics from that little writing competition I set up…Anyway, thanks to all those people for pestering me to do this idea!!**

**Disclaimer: If I was Stephenie Meyer…I don't know what I would do but I certainly won't be writing up this shit…**

TDIB: Konichiwa! Yes, no glass wall, and yes, some tomatoes and eggs –cheers from the audience-. Oh yeah, I now have German Shepherds and ninjas fresh from Japan guarding the back, so don't try and attempt an ambush on stage –glares at TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes and Naomirocks-. Today's guest is shrewder than , more prudent than and imparts more intelligent quotes than Confucius and Oscar Wilde put together. Please welcome – Wise Ol' Billy!!

-Fans claps as WOB comes on stage in a wheelchair-

TDIB: So hello Billy! How is your day today?

WOB: -very wisely- I cannot say it's good, nor can I say it's bad, because there are aspects of the day when I was happy and when I was sad. So I cannot say either one thing or the other.

TDIB: -with a polite smile- O-kay then…so do you feel disappointed that you are not a werewolf?

WOB: Why should I be disappointed? Each of the creatures has their own advantages and disadvantages. I'm content at being human; if I'm not satisfied with life, what's the point of living?

TDIB: -nods- Yes, what's the point, indeed…Anyway, there are members of the audience who would like you to impart some knowledge onto them. –Gestures to the eager fan girls- Okay, one by one.

Naomirocks: -stands up- Can I please date your son Jake? I really like him, and I want to meet up with him sometime –blush-.

WOB: (to Naomirocks) I'm immensely sorry, but Jacob has already found the one for him. Although at first I had suspicions, I could not deny the joy that she has given my son, and happiness is a virtue that Jacob prides himself in, along with his singing and dancing talents –grimace-.

Naomirocks: But he has to wait for another SEVEN FREAKING YEARS!!

WOB: So what? Quil has to wait for at least 14 years until Claire grows up. Besides, good things come to those that wait.

Naomirocks: Yeah, and the things that come to those who wait are the things that got left behind by the people that came first.

WOB: Ahh, I see that you have wit. I believe that every girl should have a bit of attitude to survive this modern world. However, I'm sorry that Jacob shall be unavailable from now on.

Naomirocks: -getting desperate- Don't worry, I'm not going to marry him! How 'bout being friends? Would that be better?

WOB: -hesitates- …We'll see about that…next question?

TeamVampire: -stands up while holding a crowbar- Where do you live in La Push?

WOB: -with a WTF look- Er…why?

TeamVampire: I just want to bash, I mean, hear you and Jacob tell the full Quileute legends in private. I mean, you could tell a bit now, but I highly doubt we have time, hehe…

WOB: Um, didn't your parents ever tell you not to tell a total stranger your personal details?

TeamVampire: Well, you're not exactly a total stranger…everyone here know who you are…

WOB: True, but you tell me where you live, and I'll tell you where I live in La Push.

TeamVampire: Okay then. I live in 245, Sussex Street, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.

TDIB: Hey! That's _my _address!!

TeamVampire: -hisses at TDIB- You're not supposed to say that…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Okay, one last question from somebody different!

-TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes stands up-

TDIB: -shouting- What?! YOU AGAIN?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -grins spastically- Yes, me again! Now shut up! I've got a very important question!

TDIB: -sigh-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: (To WOB) –clears throat dramatically- Are you aware of a vampire by the name of James?

TDIB: -shakes head- Oh here we go again…

WOB: -cocks head to one side- Yes, I am. He was killed off by the Cullens, an-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -impatiently- Yeah yeah, I know that, but do you know where he is?

WOB: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that I don't know where his current location is an-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -screams- Wise?! WISE?! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE MY FUTURE HUSBAND IS, AND YOU HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE TO CALL YOURSELF WISE?! –Pants-

WOB: -looks taken back-

TDIB: -mutters- Okay, maybe I should get a restraining order on her…

WOB: (To TDIB) –whispers- Is she always like that?

TDIB: -nods- Yah, always…

WOB: Random shouting and swearing is usually a sign of deteriorating mental health –loud coughs from audience-. I suggest you send her to a mental hospital or something, as with other people who display such symptoms of craziness.

TDIB: -awkward laugh- Hehe…yeah, I'll go do that…not…

**Yeah…lame…**

**Oh, and to all you stalkers out there, I do **_**not**_** live in 245, Sussex Street, Sydney, although there is a street in the middle of Sydney. If you are trying to find me, well, Sydney **_**is**_** the largest city in Australia, so…**

**I have also decided to write down a "Where are they now?" for this story as a separate chapter, as it would be just to long to actually combine it with the already lengthy not-so Last Chapter. I just can't help writing it down; that would be the final chappie for this story, and nothing else will follow it.**

**Okay, enough of my rambling and review for new ideas for either of my two stories.**

**Next up: Seth!! (Finally, I got a good idea on who's next…)**


	24. Chapter 24: Immature Seth

**Okay, I have just realised that **_**nobody**_** actually wrote anything for that little contest that I set up in place of my absence –sigh-. Oh well…Read and review!! For this idea, thanks to -looks up reviews- Hey!! I'm not going to read _all_ of that!! That's gonna take me all night...**

**Disclaimer: **

**Roses are Red**

**Violets are Blue**

**Um…how does this thing go again…?**

**Stephenie Meyer: Hey!! You're supposed to say that you're not me!!**

**Me: I know…I'm just trying to express that in poetry…**

**SM: -sigh- Just plain old English would do…**

**Me: -sobs- I…do…not…own…the…Twilight…Saga…so…I'm…going…really…gaga…Okay, that sucked…**

TDIB: Hello again! Yes, the glass wall is in place, so there will be no tomatoes and eggs. –Groans from audience-. Anyway, so our guest today is the most optimistic and the most annoying out of the pack of ten werewolves. So enough of my crap introduction; please welcome – Immature Seth!!

-Fans clap as IS runs on stage with a wide grin-

TDIB: Heya Seth! How are you?

IS: -smiling- Awesome! I feel like a superstar, with everyone wanting my autograph and my interview!

TDIB: -nods- Uh huh, I see…So how does it feel to be one of the youngest in the pack?

IS: -grimaces- Horrible! Everyone treats me like the baby of the group, always bossing me around, and blah!! On top of that, they think I'm incapable of doing easy stuff like killing vampires and stuff. I mean, come on!! I'm almost 16, and I slaughtered that newborn vampire!! –Start swaying and singing on the table- I am the champion OF THE WORLD!! –Shouting- IN YOUR FACE, SAM ULEY!!

-Large coughs coming from the back of the audience-

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Um…Sam Uley?

IS: Yeah! He was the one who didn't want me to fight that vampire in the first place, just in case if the kid gets killed…-Mutters to himself- Yeah, as if _he _could kill that bad vamp any better than I could…

TDIB: …Right…right…So um, what do you think of the Cullens, mainly Edward?

Team Edward Fans: -squeals- Ahh Edward!! –Sigh-

IS: -giggles-

TEF: Um…WTF?!

IS: -finally catches his breath- Nothing…inside joke…-goes into a laughing fit-

TDIB: Um, okay then…-shuffles away from IS- So what do you think of them?

IS: They're a pretty great bunch of vampires, with their giving and their politeness and stuff…I remember when Bella was pregnant, they gave us yummy food when we were hungry, and clothes when we ripped them apart with our phasing. I know it was really childish of me, but one time, I nicked Jake's and Leah's alloted clothes, supplied by the Cullens of course, and peed on them so they won't touch them an-

-Leah and Egotistical Jacob the Jerk stands up in anger-

Leah: -shouting- HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?! I'M YOUR FREAKING SISTER, FOR GOD'S SAKE!! HOW DO YOU THINK _YOU _WOULD FEEL IF YOU SAW _ME_ IN THE RAW?! HUH? HUH?!

IS: -panics- Um…well er…it sounded like a good idea at the time an-

Leah: AFTER ALL THE THINGS I'VE DONE FOR YOU, THIS HOW YOU TREAT ME?! THANKS YOU TO, NOT ONLY HAVE I LOST MY DIGNITY, BUT NOW BEING AROUND THAT IDIOT OF THE GREAT ALPHA IS REALLY AWKWARD!! –Pants-

EJJ: (To Leah) Geez, give it a break!! I don't really know what you're so pissed off about! I mean, you got to see _my _sexy bod!

Leah: Yeah well, unlike you Jacob, not everyone is comfortable with showing their 'God-given jewels' to other people of the opposite sex, okay?! Besides, aren't you going to scream at him –jabs finger at IS- for a breach in privacy?!

EJJ: -grins- Well I would…but you got to admit, don't you feel privileged to see me untainted by clothes and underwear?

Leah: -grimaces- Eww…no…

EJJ: (To TDIB) Don't mind her. She's just in denial about how sexy I am without my shirt…

MRAJ: -stands up from the audience- Hell yeah!! I mean, Leah is like, the luckiest person in the world for seeing Jacob as he should be presented…without anything on!!

-Half the audience cheers, claps and pass out as EJJ takes off his shirt and throws it towards the screaming fan girls…again…-

TDIB: -shakes head- Oh God, not again…

Naomirocks: -squealing- OMJ…I got his t-shirt...-starts rubbing her face with the shirt-

Team Edward Fans: -screaming- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! NOT AGAIN!! OUR EYES!! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!! –Falls onto the floor and start writhing in pain-

Team Jacob Fans: (To TEF) How could you _not _like the oh-so-hot Jacob Black?! I mean, does Edward –gags- have this type of abs? –Strokes EJJ's six-pack-

TEF: -stands up- Er, does Edward Anthony Masen Cullen –swoons- have this type of ego? I don't think so…

Team Switzerland: -cackles- Ahh finally…let the fight begin…

TJF: -gasp- Don't you _dare_ insult _the_ Jacob Black, you bloodsucker-loving bitches!!

TEF: -clicks fingers at TJF- Don't you _dare _insult _the_ Edward Cullen, you, you…mutt rapists!! –Takes out baseball bat/crowbar/pepper spray/own choice of weapon-

EJJ: -grins- Ahh yet again…fighting for my love and my sexiness…

Leah: -rolls eyes- That's it, I'm taking Seth home. –Walks out of the building-.

TDIB: (To audience) Girls!! If you don't want to be slowly tortured and killed by James, I suggest you stop now!

-Most of the fan girls stop fighting. Most…-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -stands up- Okay then! –Starts bashing nearest TS fan-

TDIB: (TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Keep punching that poor girl, and you'll get sexually harassed by Mike Newton!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -whimpers- Not James?

TDIB: -sternly- Not James.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: But…but…but he's the smexy master of YouTube vids!!

TDIB: I don't care! Stop killing that fan if you don't want Mike in your pants…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -sobs- Fine!! You're mean!! –Lets go of TS girl and runs out the building…most likely in search of James or the nearest computer for YouTube…-

TDIB: -looks around the stage- Hey…where did Seth go…?

**So…was that a hit or a miss?**

**Anyway, keep the ideas a coming if you don't want this fanfic ending soon…Yes, the end is near!! But don't worry, 'Plotline Parodies' is coming straight after (no one wants a story on four Twilighters pissing off a school principal that looked like a vampire…-sigh-)**

**Also, I'm also currently writing up a few random stories about "The Chaser's War On Everything". For those of you who don't know what (or who) it is, although the TV series is over (for now!!), go to YouTube and search it up. A few minutes later, you'll literally be rofl-ing (For you non-Aussies, try to avoid those vids that involve Australian politics and issues unless you are familiar with them. Also, Australian current affair shows (eg. 'Today Tonight' and 'A Current Affair') are probably the Aussie equivalent of Fox News (or some random show filled to the brim with bull shit). I would recommend you to go and watch Chaser videos poking fun at those shows stuffed with crap, along with some of the other skits that they do (type in 'Chaser Osama Bin Laden' or 'Chaser Charles Firth' (Charles Firth lives in America, and deals with American issues)).**

**Okay, be honest...you didn't read that far, did you...?**

**Next: Now I'm not quite sure… **


	25. Chapter 25: Muffin Girl Emily

**Hiya all!! Thanks to a whole mass of reviewers for this idea in the time when I have stupid Writers' Block!! Extra choc-chip cookie for you guys!! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series. However, I do own most of the fan girls, the plot, TDIB, and the muffins and cookies!!**

TDIB: Hello! So today, we have the tomatoes and eggs in place –cheers from audience-, so please refrain from targeting each other or me.

Audience: -groans- Awww…

TDIB: So moving on. Today's guest has recently appeared on Oprah making her signature extra large blueberry muffins and werewolf-sized choc-chip cookies. Engaged to her fiancé Serious Sam, please welcome on stage – Muffin Girl Emily!!

-Fans clap as MGE walks on stage wearing a light blue apron, while carrying a large basket and a mixing bowl-

TDIB: Welcome to the show Emily! Do take a seat!

MGE: -half her face smiles- Why thank you! –Sits down and opens up the basket- I made some goodies for you guys especially! –Takes out one gigantic blueberry muffin the size of a coffee mug and a choc-chip cookie that is as large as a saucer- Hope you enjoy them!

Fan Girls: -drools-

TDIB: -looks around the audience- Um…so anyone has a sharp knife?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, Naomirocks, MRAJ and TeamVampire: -shouts- I DO!!

TDIB: -raises eyebrows- Er, I just need one knife…

The Four Girls: -in unison- IT'S OKAY! I GOT IT! –All starts making their way towards the stage at the front-

TDIB: Erm, while we're waiting for the knife, so Emily, when and why did you start baking muffins and cookies?

MGE: -thinking while taking out napkins- Probably just after Sam and I met each other. I was poring through my mum's cookbook because I was bored, and I came across a recipe for the muffins and the cookies, which were my favourite. I was still learning when I started falling for Sam, you know, the accident –points to scars on her face-, and over time, I became better as more werewolves were added under Sam's leadership. Considering the fact that Sam is away so much, baking is the only thing I could do all day that I don't get sick of –sigh-.

TDIB: -smiles- At least you got onto Oprah! Anyway, why are the muffins and cookies so big?

MGE: -laughs- The consequence of feeding werewolves – they have humongous appetites and said that the standard-sized food were too small. It took me a long time hunting for a bigger oven tray and a muffin tray with bigger cups. Now the boys have to take two bites when they eat –laughs-.

TDIB: Okay then. –TeamVampire crawls on stage with a knife in her mouth- Ah! You got a knife! Excellent!

TeamVampire: Do I get Edward Cullen if I give you the knife?

TDIB: What?! No!

TeamVampire: Fine! You don't get my knife then! –Walks off towards MGE and hovers around the basket of food-.

TDIB: Fine then! There are other people here who have a knife, and here they come now! –Points to Naomirocks and MRAJ-

Naomirocks and MRAJ: -together- So can I have Jacob Black? You could have the knife…

TDIB: No, you do not get Jacob if you give me the knife!

Naomirocks and MRAJ: -groans- Okay then. –Walks towards MGE and starts pestering her about Jacob-

–TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes scrambles on stage-

TDIB: (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) You again?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Yes me again, now do you want the knife?

TDIB: Yes please! –Reaches out for the knife-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -takes back knife and whispers to TDIB- Can I have James?!

TDIB: -screams- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO YOU CANNOT HAVE FREAKING JAMES!! (To the four girls) Be reasonable! Just because I interviewed them once or twice, it does not mean I meet them on a regular basis!! Now the first person to give me a knife gets seconds of each of Emily's goodies!

-Dramatic silence-

All of the Audience: I GOT A KNIFE!! –Runs up towards the stage-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -coolly hands over her knife to TDIB- (To everyone else) Sorry, beat you first! –Cackles-

Everyone else: Awww…

-After an hour of cutting up and distributing baked goods to everyone in the building…-

Fan Girls: -while watching TeamVampire and MRAJ strangle each other over half a cookie- FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

TDIB: (To TeamVampire and MRAJ) Stop fighting right now!! I'm pretty sure you could break that into two and share it with each ot-

TeamVampire: -shouting- EDWARD LOOKS BETTER NAKED THAN JACOB!!

Team Edward Fans: AMEN!!

Team Jacob Fans: BOOOOOOOOOO!!

MRAJ: Nuh uh! JACOB IS SEXIER WITHOUT A SHIRT THAN THAT ALBINO BLOODSUCKER!!

TJF: So true…

TEF: -gags-

TDIB: Oh…so that's what they're talking about…

MGE: -looks worried- (To TDIB) Do they always do that…?

TDIB: Recently…yeah…You might want to go now…

MGE: -nods- Yeah, I'll do that. –Takes now empty basket and mixing bowl and walks quickly away-.

Team Switzerland: -Cackles evilly- Finally…a full-blown wrestling match…

TDIB: STOP THE FIGHT, OR OTHERWISE MIKE WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!

-Another dramatic silence-

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! NOT MIKE!! –Runs towards the nearest exit-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: So…no James?

TDIB: -impatiently- No James…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Well, since I gave you that knife, I should get James in return, shouldn't I?

TDIB: Two words. Get. Lost…

**Another end to another chappie…**

**Just to tell you guys in advance, next week, not only would be the start of another school term –gasp-, but also I would be on school camp (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!). I'm going to try to get as much fanfics done in the next few days as possible, but next week is going to be all nothing. No appearance on the Internet. No new chapters. No updates. Nilch. I'm just telling you guys now so that I won't be swamped with twenty angry messages demanding the next chapters of my stories.**

**Next up: Embry!! **

**Some random fan girl: Do you know that 'Embry' is one 'o' short of 'Embryo'?**

**Me: …Ewww…**


	26. Chapter 26: Embry the Gay

**Hi again! I'll make this Author's Note short as I have tutoring straight after (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!). Anyway, this might be the last chapter of this that I type up before the dreaded school camp, so this story might not be updated until next week…we'll see…**

**Before I forget, I am not homophobic. Well, at least I **_**try **_**not to be…still, no offence to those who are gay or are bisexual or whatever. Now that's cleared up…**

**Disclaimer: Dude…do I even **_**look **_**like Stephenie Meyer?! No…**

TDIB: Okay, okay, I'll tell you the truth…it shall seem that I've been having a werewolf interviewing marathon, and today is no different. So please welcome – Embry the Gay!!

-Fans clap and cheer as EG walks on stage with a designer silk black turtleneck with a blue and yellow swirl on the side, tight leather black pants and black shoes from Paris, while waving to the crowd-

TDIB: Welcome to the show Embry! How are you today?

EG: -in a really gay-ish voice- Oh my God, like, I like, feel so, like, loved! –Insert few minutes of eager waving to the crowd-

TDIB: Um, okay Embry, please take a seat.

EG: -sits on the chair and looks at TDIB- Hmmm…yellow t-shirt and jeans? Blue sneakers? Ewww, this is like, dagginess in its worst! You are like Bella before she met _me_, except that at least she had some remote sense of fashion…look at you!! That spells _plain_ and _boring_ no matter where you go!!

TDIB: Ah, you…Bella…I thought it was Alice…

EG: -high pitched laugh- Well, Bella needed a personal fashion expert when the vampires are away…-looks back at TDIB- Yeah, you seriously need another m-

TDIB: -panics- Please don't say that dreaded word…can we hold it off until the interview? Please?

EG: -looks up and down on TDIB- Um…I don't know…I don't really want the audience to have their, like, eyes burning from your clothes an-

-Is interrupted by a Ninja running on stage towards TDIB-

TDIB: (To Ninja) What is it?

Ninja: -bows- Master, a girl told me to give you and/or Embry this note –hands a piece of folded paper to TDIB-

TDIB: (To Ninja) –Bows- Thank you. -Unfolds note and reads- (Italics are what is inside the letter) _To Embry – Considering your closeness to the awesome, sexy, hot, handsome, sexy, good-looking, ab-tastic, sexy…_Okay, I'm not going to read that long list of adjectives…_ Jacob Black, is it possible that you could hook me up with him? Pretty please?_ –Stops reading- (To audience) Okay, who sent this?!

Team Jacob Fans: -in unison- I DID!!

Naomirocks: -stands up- NO YOU DIDN'T!! IT WAS ME!! –Angry glare from TDIB- Er, I just wrote that note so that I could…erm…return his shirt…yeah, return his shirt!! You know, after the last time Jacob –sigh- was here…

TDIB: -with sarcasm- Yeah, of course…after all, you would _not_ want a second hand top from, I quote: "the awesome, sexy, hot, handsome, sexy, good-looking, ab-tastic, sexy, blah blah blah, Jacob Black".

Naomirocks: -with a sheepish look- Hehe, yeah, well… (To EG) Do I get Jacob then?

EG: DAMN IT! JACOB IS MINE!! HE IS MINE, AND NO ONE ELSE'S!! OKAY, BITCH?! OKAY?! –Glances at the stunned TJF- AND THAT GOES TO YOU BUNCH OF WHORES AS WELL!!

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Erm, I thought Jacob has imprinted on Re-

EG: HE WOULDN'T LAST WITH THAT DEMON SPAWN OF A BITCH!! –Calms down- No matter who either of us imprinted on, no matter where we are or what we do, me and Jacob would always be together like salt and pepper…

Leah: -stands up from the audience- Yeah, that's what you said about Jared before he imprinted on Kim…and Quil before Claire…and Paul before Rach-

EG: -with a cry of anguish- DON'T, LEAH! DON'T…MENTION THOSE HORRID NAMES OF THOSE TRAITORS!! THOSE SONS OF A BITCH BROKE MY HEART INTO TINY, INFINITE LITTLE PIECES AND GRINDED THEM UNDER THEIR FOOT!! I KNOW JACOB WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE TO ME, AND I WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE TO HIM…

TDIB: -mutters to herself- God, what is this? A soap opera?!

Leah: Yeah yeah, and few days later, you're going to be hitting on my baby brother!

EG: Well, you got to admit, he is kinda cute…

Leah: Seduce him, and I'll make sure you'll never see the light of day!!

-The Ninja walks on stage with an armful of letters-

TDIB: -raises eyebrows- More letters?

Ninja: -bows- Yes Master…most of them are for this, erm, gentleman over there, but there is a couple for you –dumps them on the table-.

TDIB: -bows- Arigato. –Reads out one letter- _Dear Embry. Can I have Jacob Black? MRAJ_. No, you cannot! –Scrunches up paper and reads next one- _Do you know where Jacob Black lives? TeamVampire. _(To EG) Erm…would you want someone bashing up Jacob?

TeamVampire: -calling- HEY!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!!

TDIB: Oops…sorry…

EG: -looks horrified- No! Not my Jakey-poo!!

TDIB: Ok…ay…-Reads another letter- _Can I have James? _Okay, who wrote that?!

-Audience looks towards TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -looks sheepish- What…? It's a legitimate question…

TDIB: …-Tears up paper-… Okay, that's it! I'm not reading anymore letters! –Takes out match and burns the pile of papers-

Ninja: I'll go get the water, Master.

TDIB: -nods-

Fan Girls: -screams- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! MY ONLY CHANCE TO GET JACOB/EDWARD/JASPER/EMMETT'S TALKING VAMPIRE MONKEY!!

TDIB: -cackles- Burn, paper…BURN!!

**Well, that's it…**

**Yeah, like I said, this shall be the last update of this story before camp, so maybe I should extend that fanfic competition from last week. For those of you who don't remember, write a fanfic on a clichéd character with a type of food. PM me if you wrote one! **

**Next up: Probably Riley…**


	27. Chapter 27: OVD Riley

**Hiya all!! Sorry that I haven't updated in at least two weeks! I have exams this week, and I was cramming this year's work into the pitiful small size of my brain…Anyway, special thanks to goldeneyesx for this idea!! Free cyber lollipop to you!!**

**Disclaimer: **

**TDIB: Dear God/Buddha/Allah/Vishnu/Carlisle, can I be Stephenie Meyer for the rest of my life? Or at least have Edward Cullen as my one true love…?**

**-A piece of paper flutters down from the sky-**

**TDIB: -reads paper- **_**I'm just going to keep this short…NO!!**_** –Sniffs- That's a bit harsh…**

TDIB: Well, due to that, erm, barrage of letters last time, I would not be accepting anymore letters going through my system of ninjas that involve messages like _"Can I have –insert character's name- please?" _or _"Is it possible to bash/kill/do something bad to –insert character's name-?"_. My ninjas would be snooping over every single letter, so anything they deemed 'forbidden' would be sent to the pit of flames!! Got the point?

Audience: -groans-…yes…

TDIB: -smiles- Good! Now today's guest has just risen from the dead and has agreed to give us an interview. Please welcome – Obsessive Victoria Disorder Riley!!

-Fans boo as OVDR walks on stage-

TDIB: Hey Riley! How are you today?

OVDR: -sigh- I'm really depressed…

TDIB: Oh? Why?

OVDR: -sniffs- Because Victoria didn't come to me!! –Dry sobs-

TDIB: Um, right…

OVDR: I've been waiting at my bedroom, hoping that my sweet love would come through my window like the old days…I knew from the moment we locked our gazes with each other, it was true love, it was meant to be…

TDIB: Er, moving on from the smutty love story, how did you become a vampire?

OVDR: Oh, before I was a vampire and met the sweetest, most beautiful, kind-

TDIB: -cuts in- Victoria, yeah I know, what happened?

OVDR: I was walking down a street in Seattle in the middle of the night. I turned a corner and there she was, standing there like a glorious angel of perfect beauty. At that moment in life, I knew that a miserable era has past, and that a new one is dawning. Even when she bit me after I'd willingly followed her, God's angel would hover over me as I was in pain. She was beautiful, she was sweet, she was-

Team Vampire: -stands up and interrupts OVDR- She was a crazy, stupid, deranged and lying bitch who hates you, got it?!

OVDR: -shakes head- No…no…she loves me, and I love her…

Team Vampire: No idiot! She hates you, okay? –Starts singing and dancing to the Beatles' song "She Loves You"- _She hates you, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! She hates you, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! She hates you, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!!_

Audience: -covers their ears- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I THINK I'M GOING DEAF!!

TDIB: -to Team Vampire- No more singing!! Save it for Australian Idol! –Turns to OVDR- So anyway…

OVDR: Victoria loves me! You should have seen what we did one night if you don't believe m-

TDIB: -shakes hands- No, no, we don't really need to kn-

-A ninja suddenly walks onto the stage with a tape recorder-

Ninja: -bows- Master, there was a fan girl who has told me to give this recording to you or the gentleman over there.

TDIB: -frowns- But I strictly forbade any messages!

Ninja: The fan girl said that you only spoke of letters. You never said of any other forms of media.

TDIB: -grumbles- Fine...But only for today! –Grabs tape recorder and pressed Play- (Message would be in Italics) _Okay, TDIB, you're probably going to kill me for this, but this message is really, really, really important. –Takes deep breath- To Riley – do you know of a hot, sexy, ab-tastic werewolf called Jacob Black? If so, could you please tell me his number and address privately so that only I would hear it and not someone else? Kidnapping him would be fine as well. Please?_ –Recording stops- Right, which smart-ass did that?! Naomirocks? MRAJ?

-Naomirocks and MRAJ stand up guiltily-

TDIB: Well? Which one of you did it?

Naomirocks: -points at MRAJ- She did it!!

MRAJ: -points at Naomirocks- No, she did it!!

Naomirocks: That's it! You're not going to get Jacob's phone number and address if Riley told me!!

MRAJ: And _you're_ not going to get Jacob if Riley kidnapped him for _me_!!

Team Switzerland: -cackles- Yes!! Bitch fight!!

TDIB: -stands up- Girls!! Quit fighting!! I want this studio to live at least until the end of this!!

-Naomirocks and MRAJ glares at each other before sitting down-

TDIB: -to OVDR- Well…you know?

OVDR: -with a weird look- Who the fuck is Jacob Black?

Team Jacob Girls: -gasp- You don't know?

Naomirocks: -with an insulted look- So you're telling me you are ignorant about the awesome, sexy, hot, handsome, sexy, ab-tastic, sweet, sexy-

MRAJ: Jacob BLACK?! -Fans face and hyperventilates- HOW COULD YOU?!

Team Vampire: -to OVDR- Wow, you're lucky…our lives became worse as soon as we knew who he truly was…

Team Edward Girls: -murmurs in agreement-

Naomirocks: -looks shocked- You. Did. Not. Just. Say THAT!!

MRAJ: -writhes on the floor- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! MY EARS!! THEY BURN, THEY BURN!!

TEG: -in a sing-song voice- Jacob Black sucks! Jacob Black sucks! Edward is awesome, Jacob Black sucks!

TDIB: STOP, STOP, STOP!! WE DON'T WANT ANY FIGHTS HERE, SO PLEASE CALM DOWN!! –An email pops up on TDIB's laptop on the coffee table- Huh? –Clicks on email and reads it out loud- _Hey, you're probably sick of hearing this, but…Riley, do you know of anyone by the name of James?_ –Message finishes- Right! TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes?!

-TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes stands up holding a notebook computer-

TDIB: Did you send this message?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -ignores TDIB- (To OVDR) Well? Do you know someone called James?

OVDR: -ponders- Yes!! He's the bastard who took my Vicky-poo's little Fuzzykins!! I WANT THAT FUZZYKINS!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -shouts- THE SEXY, ABS-OLUTELY HOT MASTER OF YOUTUBE VIDS, ALONG WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND, IS _NOT _A BASTARD LIKE YOU!! -Suddenly calms down- Well, if I give you your "Vicky-poo's" teddy bear, do I get James' number?

OVDR: -sounds hopeful- So you have it here?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -holds up brown plushie bear- Yeah, an-

-Is interrupted by OVDR running into the glass wall-

OVDR: -rubs head- Owww…what the…

TDIB: -looks startled- Oh, sorry…it's the super dense, missile-proof glass wall to keep supernatural creatures from killing our fan girls. I forgot to tell you that when we were backst-

OVDR: -shouts dramatically- NO FLIMSY GLASS WALL WILL KEEP RILEY FROM MY SWEETHEART'S TEDDY BEAR!! –Starts ramming himself into the glass wall for the next 15 minutes. Only a small crack appeared-

TDIB: -sigh- Give it up, Riley…give it up…

Kythi Ravenswing: -stands up- Okay, this may not be good timing…but do you know Quil's phone number? –Blushes- I kinda like him…

TDIB: -glares at Kythi Ravenswing - No, I do not…

Kythi Ravenswing: You sure?

TDIB: Yes.

Kythi Ravenswing: Sure?

TDIB: -impatiently- Yes.

Kythi Ravenswing: Sure?

TDIB: For the last, freaking time, YES!!

**Hmmm…lameness overload…**

**Like I'd said at the beginning, next week is Judgement Week (a.k.a, yearly exams), so I would not be updating until probably the week after. Wish me luck, my faithful readers who managed to read this, for I may not return alive after my physically imposing maths teacher kills me when I fail my maths exam…**

**Next guest: (This is the part where you review and give me ideas…) **


	28. Chapter 28: Claire Obsessed Quil

**Hi again!!! This chappie is dedicated to Kythi Ravenswing and her obsession with Quil (something tells me you'll like it). Anyway, my school exams are over, but two weeks later, I'll have another test on Maths, English, Science, and Computer Skills, so I won't be updating as much as I would like to. So enough of this babbling, and on with the show!**

**Disclaimer: **

**Plastic Surgery – fifty thousand dollars**

**Brown Hair Dye – twenty five dollars**

**A One-Way Trip to Forks from Sydney – seventy five thousand dollars**

**Having every girls' dream to be Bella Swan and own Edward Cullen – Priceless…**

**Stephenie Meyer: That didn't even get to the point of this disclaimer!**

**Me: -whimpers- But it is true…-SM holds up machete- Okay, okay, I'll be good…-takes deep breath- I'm not you…and I don't own what you own…HAPPY?! SATISFIED?! **

**SM: -smiles evilly- Very…**

TDIB: Hello again! Before we begin, please, PLEASE…I am literally begging you guys… Don't…give…me…any…more…messages…via…paper, email, tape recorder, phone, MSN, or animals of any kind, including carrier pigeons.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -mutters under her breath- Damn…-Goes outside with a cage of pigeons that have scrolls of paper tied to their claws-

TDIB: Now I've got that off my chest, and with our glass wall being repaired, so give it up for Claire Obsessed Quil!!!

-The Fans clap and swoons as COQ comes on stage shirtless while Muffin Girl Emily follows and carries Claire-

Kythi Ravenswing: -squealing- AAAHHH!!! QUIL!!! I LOVE YOU QUIL!!!

Rest of the Audience: …-No comment-…

TDIB: Heya Quil! How are you today?

COQ: -smiles at Claire- If she's happy, then I'm happy –tickles Claire's stomach-.

Kythi Ravenswing: -gushes- Oh Quil…your voice is like chocolate to the ears…-sigh-…

TDIB: -ignores Kythi Ravenswing- Well that's great! How's everything going back at La Push?

COQ: So far, so good. Claire is growing up to be a healthy toddler, the two packs are getting along really well, Claire is starting swimming lessons next week, her aunt –gestures to MGE- is going to tie the knot with Sam, Claire has got a new dress for the weddi-

TDIB: -interrupts COQ- Yeah, I get the point. So-

Kythi Ravenswing: -swoon- Quil, your dark brown eyes are so sweet and deep an-

TDIB: -glares at Kythi Ravenswing- …Anyway, so what do you normally do during the weekends?

COQ: -smiles- Well, after waking up and eating breakfast, I would go down to Sam's place and meet up with my little Claire-bear –rubs nose on Claire's tummy-. We would then go to the beach, the movies, the local McDonalds and watch her play on the play area, have a peek-a-boo marathon…you know, the usual stuff a teenage boy like me would do.

Kythi Ravenswing: -calls out- That's not what a teenage boy does, Quil! You're so adorable…

TDIB: (To Kythi Ravenswing) Jesus, can you stop interrupting my interview?!

Kythi Ravenswing: If it isn't for my sweet darling Quil, I wouldn't even be here…-looks dazzled-

TDIB: -turns back to COQ- So do you think that Claire shall accept you, both as a werewolf and a potential boyfriend?

Kythi Ravenswing: -shouts- SHE WILL NOT BE QUIL'S GIRLFRIEND!!! I WILL!!! OH QUIL, MY LITTLE PUPPY-DOG, PLEASE ASK ME OUT!!! PLEASE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

TDIB: -angrily- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -sniffs- Fine! No one seems to want me here! –Stalks out of the building-.

TDIB: -shakes head- God, why me? (To COQ) So anyw-

-Is interrupted by Naomirocks and MRAJ banging on the glass wall-

TDIB: (to the two girls) –impatiently- Now what?

-Both girls take off their jackets to reveal their brown t-shirts with black writing-

TDIB: -reads the t-shirts- _Can…I…have…Jacob…Black?_ –Glares at the two Team Jacob girls- What the hell is with you and Jacob?!

Naomirocks: We just want a date with him…

MRAJ: And see him dance and sing on the coffee table half naked again…Okay, that sounded really wrong…

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Yeah…it did…-Turns to Quil- You want to give them Jacob's phone number? –Whispers to him- If yes, then I would do it in private, because there are some people here who would just _love _to prank-call him with threats.

TeamVampire: Hey! You're not supposed to give that away!!!

TDIB: Well…oops…hehe…sorry…-Turns back to Quil- Well, you want to give them his phone number?

COQ: -with a weird look- Um…I would…but because it seems like most of the girls here either want to screw him or decapitate him, I would say no…

Everyone in the Audience: WHY?!

COQ: Well, um, I don't want my best friend be emotionally scarred for the rest of his life, and that he is unavailable from now on…

MRAJ: WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT?!

TeamVampire: Er, because it's true…DUH!

Naomirocks: At least I'm not obsessing over a dead cold corpse…I mean, raping Edward is like committing necrophilia! WHO AGREES WITH ME HERE?!

Team Jacob Fans: HEAR, HEAR!!!

Team Edward Fans: -Boos and hisses-

Team Switzerland: Fifty bucks that Team Edward will win…

TDIB: -shouts- EVERONE, STOP!!!

-The Fan Girls go silent-

TDIB: Now, can I _please_ get on with the actual interview?

-Is interrupted (again!) by a Ninja walking on stage while dragging Kythi Ravenswing-

TDIB: -bows to Ninja- What is it this time?

Ninja: -bows- Master, this girl requested to see you. She said that you personally invited her to come on while you were backstage. Was that true?

TDIB: -Glares at Kythi Ravenswing- Um…

Kythi Ravenswing:-sigh- Don't tell me you've forgotten, did you? -Winks at TDIB-

TDIB: (to Muffin Girl Emily) You might want to take Claire and go now. Quil, you stay here. –MGE nods, before hurrying out with Claire. COQ looks at them with longing eyes-

Kythi Ravenswing: -starts hyperventilating- Oh Quil…QUIL!!! –Stretches hand towards the shirtless guest- AH! QUIL!!! –Manages to shake off the Ninja's arms and makes a beeline towards COQ-

COQ: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -hugs and stroke COQ's stomach- Wow…your pecs…your oh-so-sexy pecs…-sigh-

COQ: Um…-mouths to TDIB- Help?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -rubs head on Quil's chest- Aaah…this is the happiest day of my life…

TDIB: -awkward cough- Er, can you _please _stop mentally scarring Quil?

Kythi Ravenswing: Are you kidding me?! He loves it! Isn't that right sweetheart?

COQ: -shudder-

TDIB: -signals to Ninja, who drags Kythi Ravenswing back to the exit-

Kythi Ravenswing: -hysterical scream- NOOOOOOO!!! PLEASE!!! I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER YET!!!

TDIB: -breathes a sigh of relief- Finally, that's over an-

-TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes quickly runs on stage-

TDIB: Oh God…What are YOU doing here?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Well, I couldn't just sit there when the Ninja is not guarding the stage entrance…Besides, German Shepherds love me…

TDIB: -mutters to herself- Note to self – Get more Ninjas… (To TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) If this is about James again, I'm not answering.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Please?

TDIB: No.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: PLEASE?

TDIB: NO!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: PRETTY PLEASE WITH CHERRY ON TOP?!

TDIB: JESUS, NO!

COQ: -frowns- Are all the fan girls like that?

TDIB: Yeah…pretty much…

**MUST READ!!! IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!**

**Okay, I've realised that most people want me to do Angela, Tanya, Leah, Tyler and a few other characters in Breaking Dawn. Let me clear up a few things – Angela, Tanya and Leah will appear in the Last Chapter of this story (although this might change), so even though your ideas are awesome, I have either done some ideas that you've suggested (in the case of Tanya and Leah), or chosen a new cliché for the character (in this case, Angela, because do you know how boring it is to write about her being 'sweet and bland'?!). The characters in Breaking Dawn, I do not know yet because I haven't really seen fanfics on Zafrina and Vladimir and Alistair, so I don't really know what to write. I'm not quite sure about Tyler though, but I really want him to be pelted with tomatoes, as I know you guys would. Any ideas? (Preferably not him being big-headed and delusional, because that would be just like a crossover between Jacob and Mike…or a Micob…or a Jaike…you know what I mean…) **

**Next Up: Still don't know…**


	29. Chapter 29: Tyler the Brawny Jock

**Ello! Next week is my other exams (not school ones – I've already got the marks back for those), so I won't be able to update as much. After that, well, I've got some time…**

**Anyway, thanks to all those who gave me this idea, and to all you readers out there. **

**Caution: The following fanfic is classified T. It contains mild language, mild violence, some sexual references, and lameness. Do not sue me if you get mentally scarred for life. You have been warned.**

**Disclaimer: I hate disclaimers. I am obviously not Stephenie Meyer. Whoever agrees with my hatred for disclaimers raise your hand and say 'Aye!' –Raise hand- Aye…**

TDIB: Hello everyone! Due to recent, erm, events –glares at Kythi Ravenswing, TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, MRAJ and Naomirocks (who is now known as Naomi Cullen)-, we now have more Ninjas and guard dogs patrolling the area, and my new system of ninjas will stop any message and fan girl of any form, so don't use the excuse that I invited you on stage, because I didn't –glares again at Kythi Ravenswing-.

Kythi Ravenswing: -awkward laugh- Hehe, yeah…I was desperate…

TDIB: -shakes head, before continuing- Anyway, the good news is that the glass wall is gone, and you know what that means?

-A tomato was thrown and almost hit TDIB in the face-

TDIB: HEY! NO ATTACKING ME OR ANYONE, OKAY?! –Calms down- Save it for our next guest today. Please give it up for Tyler the Brawny Jock!!!

-The Fans boo and hiss as TBJ saunters on stage with a smirk on his face while flexing his biceps-

TDIB: Hey Tyler! How are you today?

TBJ: Great! I was just in the Gym showers when all the other football players announced that, out of the group, I had the biggest peni-

TDIB: -cuts in quickly- Okay, okay, we get the point…

TBJ: -mumbles to himself- And Bella, oh so sexy Bella, still does not want me. Which girl doesn't want a guy with a big cock?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -cough- Show-off –cough-.

Naomi Cullen: I don't!

Kythi Ravenswing: Me too!

TeamVampire: I want Edward!

MRAJ: Jacob's hotter! –Mutters under her breath- Especially when his shirt is off while singing "I'm too Sexy"…

TDIB: Girls! Enough! –Turns back to TBJ- So, what do you think of Edward?

TBJ: -to MRAJ- Who is this Jacob guy?! How could he be hotter than me?! –Points to his manhood- I mean, I've got Big John!

TDIB: Erm, Big…John?

TBJ: -grins- The name of my humongous pen-

TDIB: Too much info alert, too much info alert…

TBJ: -grins- After all, girls, look at me muscles! –Flexes arms into a body builder's pose-

Fans: -shields eyes- EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

TDIB: -gives TBJ a weird look- Can we get back to the interview?!

TBJ: But this is the good part of the interview! –Points to bulging biceps-

TDIB: -cough- Um, anyway…have you ever notice the attention that you're getting from Lauren?

Audience: -boos-

TBJ: Oh, you mean that brown-haired cheerleader with the sexy figure?

TDIB: -cough- Erm, that's Jessica. I mean the one with the corn-silk hair, you know, Jessica's friend?

TBJ: -after five minutes- Oh…you mean the blonde hottie with those boobs that are worthy of the centrefold of Playboy magazine?

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Er…yeah?

TBJ: -rolls eyes- What does _she_ want now?! I've already gave her the best night of her life! Don't tell me that she's preggo now…-Suddenly turns to TDIB- …Wait…_is_ she preggo?!

TDIB: Ah, I can't reply to that question on the basis of the fact that I don't know the answer.

TBJ: -with a confused look- Huh?

TDIB: -shakes head- I don't know that answer…did you use contraception that night?

TBJ: Huh?

TDIB: -sigh- You know, condoms?

TBJ: Are you kidding?! Of course I don't! How can you enjoy se-

TDIB: -cough- Um, maybe that's the reason why Lauren _might _be pregnant…

TBJ: -mutters to himself- That probably explains her bulging stomach in the past two months…

TDIB: -awkward cough- Hehe, yeah, okay then…So why, like most guys in the school, do you like Bella?

MRAJ: (to Naomi Cullen) He's going to go into that smutty love-at-first sight thing, isn't he?

Naomi Cullen: -whispers back to MRAJ- Yeah, probably…

(Back on stage)

TBJ: From the first time I crashed into Bella's truck, the way that she curved seductively against her red vehicle while being dazed when she looked at me, I just want to, well, you know, have her. Invite her back to my place after the dance or the prom or whatever, an-

TDIB: -cuts in- Okay, okay, I think we get the gist…

TBJ: -sigh- After all, a sexy, hot girl like Bella deserves a sexy, hot guy like me –jerks thumb at himself-. I don't know why she would choose that puny, nerdy, dead pale prude. I mean, I'm tanned, sporty, masculine and good at sex!

TeamVampire: -gasp- No! HE INSULTED THE OH-SO-SEXY EDWARD CULLEN!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- The first time I've been on this show, and this is what I hear?!

Number-1-Edward-fangirl: -looks at crates of tomatoes and eggs- Well, these _are_ here for a reason…

MRAJ: -ponders- Hmm…I _would_ throw them at him, but he _was_ right about Edward…

(Back on stage)

TBJ: And besides, who is that Jacob guy? Can someone clue me in? –Looks hopefully at the half-angry fan girls-

TDIB: Erm, he's the Indian that came to your school and confronted Edward a few months before you graduated.

TBJ: HIM?! THAT FUGLY SON OF A BITCH?! HOW COULD HE BE SEXIER AND HOTTER THAN MOI?!

Naomi Cullen: That's. It!

MRAJ: -high pitched scream- NO! HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!

TeamVampire: -stands up- I KNOW WHAT TO DO! ATTACK THAT STUPID BASTARD!!!

Fan Girls: YES!!! –Starts hurling rotten food at TBJ-

TDIB: Bye bye, suckers! –Runs off stage-

TBJ: Huh? –Gets hit in the face by an egg- Hey! What did I do now?!

TheImmortalKlutz: YOU INSULTED EDWARD THE HOTNESS!

Naomi Cullen: YOU CALLED JACOB BLACK FUGLY!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: I'M PISSED THAT I MY SWEET DARLING QUIL DID NOT CALL ME BACK!

ThisIsMyDisguise: -shrugs- Meh, I'm just bored…

(Meanwhile, backstage…)

TDIB: -looks at the havoc caused by the fans- Wow, we should put this on YouTub-

-Is interrupted by a brick being thrown near TDIB's foot-

TDIB: -picks up brick and reads writing- _Can I have James? I think you know who I am._ –Sigh- She just doesn't give up, does she…

**Yep, one chappie down, several more to go…**

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!!! MUST READ!!!**

**Okay, I'm currently writing the very last chapter of this story (as in, the finale, the end, the conclusion, the…well, you know what I mean), and I'm going to interview different but real fan girls from Team Edward, Jacob, Switzerland, etc. So, in 100 words or less, tell me why you should be the representative for either Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team Jasper and/or Emmett, Team Switzerland or any other character you could think of. There might be more than one winner for each, so don't be afraid to enter (you never know, you might actually win!). I'll try to get as much people into the chappie as I humanly could, but please don't be disappointed if you don't get in. PM me or review this story to enter!**

**Next up: -shakes head- I don't really know…**


	30. Chapter 30: Paedophilic Mrs Cope

**Hey everyone! All my exams are **_**finally**_** over, so I probably would have more time to update my stories. On another note, thanks for everyone who responded to my little competition! It's great to hear from different fan girls, even if it was more than 100 words…Keep 'em coming, for the competition shall not be over until I say so…**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer. I am just one of the many humble readers out there who is, in a way, disrespecting her awesome work by twisting her characters and starring them in this lame, retarded scenario.**

TDIB: Hello Twi-hards! Yes, the tomatoes and eggs are still here, so please don't use them on me or anybody else.

TheImmortalKlutz: Psh, who needs rotten tomatoes and eggs when you can have EVIL MARSHMALLOWS OF DOOOOOOOM!!! –Holds up large packet of flaming marshmallows-

Fan Girls: Ooooh…

TDIB: Please sit down. Use them later. Anyway, do welcome today's guest – Paedophilic Mrs Cope!!!

-The fans boo and hiss as PMC totters on stage in high heels with a sweet, yet fake smile-

TDIB: Hey Mrs Cope! How are you today?

PMC: -giggles- Oh good, good…I've got my chance with Edward Cullen, the hawt-est of the bunch!

Fan Girls: -shudder- Ewww…

TDIB: Ok-ay…how did you manage to get Edward Cullen?

-All Fan Girls lean forward in interest, even the Team Jacob Girls-

PMC: -shrill laugh- Oh, it was kinda easy…I just told one of the teachers that he needs to go to my office, and then when he comes in, I shut the door!

Fan Girls: … -grimace-

PMC: -sniggers- Oh don't worry, it wasn't _that_ bad…I just took off his shirt…

Team Edward Girls: -gasp- I want to see Edward half-naked!!!

Team Jacob Girls: You saw Edward half-naked? Ew…

Kythi Ravenswing: -grins- I saw Quil half-naked!

-All the Fans look at Kythi Ravenswing as if she's crazy-

Kythi Ravenswing: What? I did…-Mutters to herself- You're just jealous that the hot, smecy (her way of saying smexy) Quil loves me and not you…

TDIB: Girls! Be quiet! –Turns to PMC- Right, so how long did you work in Forks High?

PMC: -smiles- Long enough to have my fair share of cute guys within those red brick walls…-sigh-

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Er, that's not what I meant…

PMC: Oh, sorry…I meant ten years…

TDIB: Uh huh…right…and how many guys, have you, erm, you know, ah…

PMC: I get what you mean. Let's see, um…Edward…Mike…Tyler…hmmm…-Starts counting with her fingers for the next three minutes- Erm, twenty hot, cute guys!

TDIB: Ah…wow?

PMC: Oh don't worry, you'll find that gorgeous hot guy you'll lust for…-Glances up and down at TDIB- Or maybe not…

Kythi Ravenswing: -stands up- At least she isn't a middle-aged prune trying to seduce toy boys that are physically twenty years younger than her!

Naomi Cullen: -stands up- I second that!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -calls out- I will agree with them more if you give me James!

TDIB: Right girls, settle down! –Mouths to them- Thanks… (To PMC) So anyway, don't you ever realise that some of your, ah, toy boys have girlfriends?

TeamVampire: Yeah! Especially with Edward! He has a soul mate, and it's me!

Number-1-Edward-Fangirl: No it's not! It's me!

EdwardXBella4eva: -screams- SHUT UP, BITCHES!!! HE'S MINE!!! MINE!!!

TDIB: Girls! Shut up! -Turns back to PMC- Well? Don't you?

PMC: -snorts- Ah, it's kinda obvious that the guys would rather have me, a woman experienced in life, love and other…erm…things, than a hatchling bitch who was just a bimbo! I mean, take the example of Edward. He ditched that girl whose name I had forgotten. I mean, why would he come to my office anyway?

TDIB: Well, didn't you say that you lured him into your office and locked the door?

PMC: -awkward cough- Um…lured implied that he didn't know what was going on, but the truth is that we had a relationship about two weeks before that.

TDIB: -with a weird look- Two…weeks?

PMC: -nods- I've been flirting with him whenever he enters my office. And when he stops going there, I tried to get him to come in –sigh-.

TDIB: Ah, right…s-

-Is interrupted by a Ninja running on stage, followed closely by two boys with a plastic bag-

Ninja: -bows- These two gentlemen want to see you and your guest.

TDIB: -bows- What do they want?

Ninja: They want to give you a message an-

TDIB: -cuts in- I thought I forbade any messages though.

TeamVampire: -stands up- You only said fan girls. Those two are my brothers.

TDIB: Oh fuck…

First Brother: Okay, does my sister get this idiot called Edward Cullen?

TeamVampire: He is NOT an idiot! –Throws an egg at her sibling-

First Brother: -wipes egg off his shirt- You are so getting it when we get back home!

TDIB: -sigh- (To TeamVampire) No, you cannot have Edward!

Second Brother: Fine then. –Whispers to TDIB- Can we pelt that witch –gestures to PMC- with tomatoes and eggs?

TDIB: Sure, as soon as I go backstage. Make sure the rest of the audience follows the suit, and dodge the Evil Marshmallows of Doom.

First Brother: -opens bag- Oh, we got that already.

TDIB: Okay, then. (To Fan Girls and PMC) I'm off now! –Runs off stage-

PMC: -looks warily- Um, where is she going?

Second brother: -innocently walks up to PMC- Hi! –Squishes tomato into her face-

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- YAY!!! FIGHT!!! –Pelts PMC with Evil Marshmallows-

MRAJ: -shrugs- Oh, what the heck… -Starts throwing tomatoes and eggs-

PMC: -shrieks- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME EDWARD DEAR, HELP ME!!!

ThisIsMyDisguise: He can't help you, bitch! –Throws egg into PMC's mouth-

(Meanwhile, backstage…)

TDIB: (To Hyper Shopping Addict Alice) What are you doing?

HSAA: -holds up video camera- I'm recording this and showing it at Forks High tomorrow. Duh…And some crazy girl said that she wanted –grimace- James…

TDIB: Okay then…-shuffles away-

**Lame, as usual…**

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE (again)!!! MUST READ!!!**

**Okay, I've realised that alot of people want to be included in my stories. I would love to do that, BUT don't be too upset if you could only appear in one chapter, or that you are not in the next chappie after the next one. Some people that I had used, I will keep including them in the upcoming fanfics, because they've became part of this story, and taking them out would be a bit, I don't know...empty or something...But I'll try to include you in. Just don't expect more appearances. Oh, and before I forget, threats don't help either, although they are pretty funny to read. **

**Next up: Dunno…**


	31. Chapter 31: Cold Hearted Caius

**Hi again! Sorry for the long delay…I had this random business week thing at school, so basically I spent the better half of my week worrying about whether my company's shares will go up –sigh-…Anyway, thanks to those who gave me this idea, and thank you to those who reviewed this story! You guys are awesome!**

**Disclaimer: I am Stephenie Meyer. Not.**

TDIB: Hello again! Yes, the glass wall is back -groans from fan girls-, and I now refuse messages of any kind, including siblings -glares at TeamVampire-. Anyway, we have scored an exclusive interview from one of the leaders of the Volturi. The vampire that we just love to hate, please welcome – Cold Hearted Caius!!!

-Fans boo and hiss as CHC saunters on stage with a smirk on his face-

TDIB: Welcome to the show Caius! Do take a seat!

CHC: My pleasure. –Sits down while looking at the audience and licked his mouth-

Audience: -shudder-

TDIB: Um, so how was your day?

CHC: Spectacular! I saw a mother and baby die in a car crash, a hobo being drenched in gasoline and set on fire, and stole money from a guy who was recently fired. It was so awesome! –Evil grin-

Audience: -looks of horror-

TDIB: -awkward cough- Uh huh, so what's life like in the Volturi?

CHC: -smiles- Great! Everyday, I get to kill at least ten humans or vampires! It's my dream job! Plus, seeing the victim squirm on the floor under Jane's gaze, it makes you feel…powerful. –Sigh-

TeamVampire: -calls out- YOU BASTARD!!!

freedomofabirdswing: I HATE YOU!!!

Talamack: -shouts- CAN I HAVE JANE? SHE'S MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER!!

TDIB: Girls! Shoosh! –Turns back to CHC- So what do you think of the Cullens?

CHC: -shouts- I WILL ELIMINATE THEM!!! THEY'LL NEVER RULE THE VAMPIRE WORLD, DESPITE THEM GROWING IN NUMBERS!!! –Suddenly calms down- If it weren't for Aro, I would've killed them and their mutated mutts, and do a native dance around the bonfire. But noooooooooooooo, Aro just have to step in with the whole "I am not going to slaughter everyone in front of witnesses" thing, and decided to let them go. –Spits on the floor- If only I was leader…I've already got Jane and Alec on my side, now I just need Demetri and Chelsea to help me overthrow that annoying buffoon of my brother…

TDIB: -looks around- Where did half the fan girls g-

-Is cut off by a horde of fan girls running on stage-

TDIB: WHAAAT?!

ThisIsMyDisguise: We ran over the ninjas and gave the guard dogs chew toys. In other words, chihuahuas.

TDIB: -screeches- Chihuahuas?! CHIHUAHUAS?! ONE OF THEM BETTER NOT BE MY BOBO!!! DID YOU USE A WHITE DOG WITH COFFEE-STAIN PATCHES?!

LoveSinger12: Um…-Whispers to Kythi Ravenswing- So who wants to tell her?

TDIB: -sigh- What do you want now?

Talamack: Caius? Can I have Jane's autograph? She's my favourite character…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Oooh! Can I have Alec's autograph as well?

TDIB: (to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Um, I thought you like James…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -rolls eyes- Just because I love the smexy master of YouTube vids doesn't mean I don't appreciate the awesomeness of Alec and Jane as well…

TDIB: -sigh- Well Caius?

CHC: -ponders- Well…I would, but Jane doesn't like you type of people…

Talamack: What do you mean, you type of people?!

CHC: Well, what I'm saying is…she hates you, and that person that tackled her on stage. Now she has a voodoo doll of all her fans, and every once in a while, she would hope that one of them dies or become her snack…

Talamack: -trembles- No…that cannot be…NO! –Runs away crying-

CHC: -evil smile- I love seeing people suffer…

TDIB: Caius, that was uncalled for…

CHC: -shrugs- Whatever…-takes a deep breath and steps closer towards the crowd-

TDIB: (to Fan Girls) -whispers urgently- Guys, you should really go now! I think he's gonna kill you!

Number-1-Edward-fangirl: Not until you give me Edward!

Naomi Cullen: And Jacob!

La tua Cantate101: And Seth!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: And James!

TDIB: Girls, please! You need to go no-

-Is interrupted by shirtless Over Protective Edward and shirtless Egotistical Jacob the Jerk running on stage-

Most of the Fans: -fans themselves- So…hot…-hyperventilates and faints-

OPE: (to TDIB) You really have to go now. Jacob and I can kill him an-

CHC: -purrs- Ah Edward…we meet again…

EJJ: Girls, you have to go now…

Naomi Cullen/MRAJ/All the Jacob Fans: -screams- JACOB!!! –Runs up to him and starts hugging and stroking his stomach- Ah…Jacob…so…sexy…and…ahhh…

TeamVampire/Number-1-Edward-fangirl/All the Edward Fans: EDWARD!!! –Runs up to him and start rubbing their heads on his chest/stomach- Wow…your abs are like marble…

OPE: -looks helpless- No really girls, you have to go now! Let me go so I could fight Caius!

EdwardXBella4eva: -hugs him closer- No Edward, I don't want you to get hurt…

Number-1-Edward-fangirl: And we need to save your sexiness…

MRAJ: -buries head in EJJ's stomach- I don't want you to die…

TDIB: Girls, be realistic, just go! –Drags TheImmortalKlutz and Naomi Cullen away-

TheImmortalKlutz: -pounds the floor- LET ME GO, YOU BITCH!!!

Naomi Cullen: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Jacob! JACOB!!!

CHC: -shrugs- Eh, what the heck…-lunges at EJJ and his surrounding fan girls-

Team Jacob Fans: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! JACOB!!! –Tries to drag EJJ away-

OPE: Jacob! –Attacks CHC while the Team Edward Fans try to cling onto him-

TDIB: -yells- Drag the fight outside, not here!!!

EJJ: Yes m'am! –EJJ and OPE drags CHC outside-

Fans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! EDWARD!!! JACOB!!! –Runs outside-

TDIB: -sigh- Why me…

**Yah, I know…weird and random…**

**The competition is still going, and it will be until the end of this story. To be honest, the story is going to come to an end soon, and another story shall be up straight afterwards. **

**Oh, and if you're wondering, I do have a chihuahua called Bobo and there WAS a hobo who had gasoline poured over his body by a gang and got set on fire. Yes, he died...:(**

**Next up: -sigh- Don't really know now, do I?**


	32. Chapter 32: Crappy Twilight Mary Sue

**Hi everyone! Sorry for the really long delay, so for all you Yanks, I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving! Such a shame that Australia doesn't have Thanksgiving…it would be a good excuse to pig out on turkey and food in both November AND December…**

**Oh, and before I forget, MY SUMMER HOLIDAYS ARE LESS THAN A WEEK AWAY!!! What does that mean? A (Not-so-white) Christmas, a possible trip overseas, and more time to update ze stories!!! YAY!!! **

**Disclaimer: If I was Stephenie Meyer, I would've wrote the review for the Twilight Movie instead of this piece of crap.**

TDIB: Hey again! Before we start, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT LAST TIME?! Thanks to you, half my ninjas are in hospital with minor injuries, and angry chihuahua owners are knocking on my door!

Audience: Heh heh…-shuffles feet-

TDIB: So anyway, the glass wall is gone and the boxes of tomatoes and eggs are back!!! –Cheers from audience- Our next guest today goes through numerous incarnations in numerous stories. From a vampire to a violent past, to a high school kid in love with a vampire, to an imprintee who doesn't like the werewolf, please welcome Crappy Twilight Mary Sue!!!

-Fans boo and hiss as CTMS walks on stage-

TDIB: Heya! How are you today?

CTMS: -sigh- Well, I kinda have to rid the world of the evil Aro and the Volturi with my band of loyal followers the Cullens, the Denalis and a few others. But it's just that –chokes up a bit- Aro is my _father_, and I don't want to kill some of my friends there…-sigh-…But other than that, I'm fine. –Tries to smile-

TDIB: -nods- Right. So can you describe your lives?

CTMS: -smiles- Well, as a vampire, I am Sophie Cullen, who joined the Cullens after thousands of years of meaningless wandering. However, my biological father was the evil head of the Volturi, and I am falling in love with another vampire in our family, Daniel Hale, who I initially hated when I first joined. –With determination- I shall defeat that total bastard of a father! I shall help restore order to the world!

TDIB: Good for you! Do you have any special talents or powers?

CTMS: Yeah, it's not much, but I could shield people with my mind, read people's minds, see into the future, feel and change people's feelings, become invisible, send fireballs out of my fingers, manipulate the forces of nature, force cookies and cakes to do my bidding, becom-

TDIB: Yeah yeah, I got the point. What about you as an imprintee?

CTMS: Well, I'm still called Sophie, and that son of a bitch called Collin started stalking me! I mean, he is cute, and sweet, and smart –sigh-, but he is so…annoying, and I hate him. –Sees TDIB raise her eyebrows- No really, I do! I do! He is just…ugh, but I really do hate that devilishly handsome, smart, sweet, muscly, -sigh-…

TDIB: -with a weird look- Um…okay…So anyway-

-Is interrupted by TheImmortalKlutz clambering up the stage while carrying a large bag-

TDIB: -groans- Not you again!

TheImmortalKlutz: -rolls eyes- You make it sound like you don't want to see me…

TDIB: -mutters- Well, not on stage…

TheImmortalKlutz: -ignores TDIB- (to CTMS) DIE BITCH!!! –Throws Evil Marshmallows of Doom at CTMS-

CTMS: -dodges marshmallows- Ahh, you forget I'm a vampire today…-demonstrates lightning fast vampire ninja moves-

TDIB: Hey! You told me you're a human today while we were backstage!!

CTMS: Yeah well I morphed into a vampire when she –points to TheImmortalKlutz- scrambled on stage. Like I'd said, I'm telepathic –taps forehead-.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -stands up- Well it takes a vampire to defeat a vampire!!!

TDIB: -with a weird look- Um…your point being?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -smiles innocently- Oh James…

Audience: -whispers- James?

TDIB: James?!

CTMS: -with a confused look- James?

-Everyone turns to the exit as a half-naked Serial Killer James saunters in towards TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -wraps arms around him- I've found him hiding in my bedroom closet. He's so sexy… –Runs hands over his abs-

CTMS: -brings hands over her face like a boxer- Bring it on, bitch, bring it on!

Talamack: -calls out- Not just yet! –Sheepish grin- Um, I've got another person…

CTMS: -groans- Oh no…

Talamack: -smugly- Oh yes…I give you JANE!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -punches air- YES JANE!!!

-Everyone turns again as Demon Child Jane flies down the stairs and onto the stage-

CTMS: -snorts- That's the best you can do?! I can defeat the two of you in my sleep!

Kythi Ravenswing: -shouts- WHO SAYS THAT YOU'LL BE FIGHTING ONLY VAMPIRES?!

Naomi Cullen: YEAH!

MRAJ: -calls out- Oh Jacob sweetie…

Kythi Ravenswing: Come on Quil, stand up. –Drags Claire Obsessed Quil up- Go fight my dear. –Pecks COQ's cheek-

COQ: -shudder-

La tua Cantante101: Sethy-Wethy? Oh Sethy-Wethy? Come out and help defend the awesomeness of Twilight Fanfiction from unoriginality…

SparklingTopazEyes: Yeah, Seth –rubs head on Immature Seth's chest-

Egotistical Jacob the Jerk: -to the fan girls- On behalf of the werewolves and vampires here, we don't want to fight and-

Fan Girls: -chants- FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! –Pushes werewolves/vampires on stage-

TDIB: -with a pained look- Girls, I don't think this is a good idea…

EdwardXBellaX4eva: -stands up- It is a good idea! We're doing this for Edward's hotness!!!

TeamVampire: Hell yeah!!!

Number-1-Edward-fangirl: I second that!!

Bookluver142: -like a preacher- A-MEN!!!

TDIB: Girls, I-

LoveSinger12: Can the fight just start NOW?!

TheImmortalKlutz: I've got an idea! –Calls out- Evil Gnomes of Doooooooooooooom?! Where are you?!

TDIB: -suddenly nervous- I don't like the sound of that name…

-A parade of black gnomes suddenly march in from backstage-

TheImmortalKlutz: You never said anything about forbidding gnomes from coming on stage, you know…

TDIB: -anxiously eyes the dark gnomes- Um…what do they do?

TheImmortalKlutz: -laughs- Don't worry, they won't kill you…(to lead gnome) ATTACK THAT BITCH!!! –Points at CTMS-.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: GO, JAMES! GO!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: QUIL!!! –Pushes COQ-

MRAJ: JACOB!!! GO!!!

SparklingTopazEyes: -kisses Seth's cheek- Go, my dear Sethy-Wethy…

Talamack: GODSPEED, JANE!!! AND THANKS FOR THE AUTOGRAPH!!!

-All the vampires/werewolves/gnomes attack CTMS-

CTMS: GOD!!! WHAT THE...AHH!!!

TDIB: DRAG THE FIGHT OUTSIDE!!!

Lead Gnome: -salutes- Yes m'am!!! –The fight slowly makes its way outside-

TDIB: Okay…maybe I _should _have the glass wall…

**So yeah…not so great…**

**I'm running out of ideas, and some of them I don't really know what to write (Felix, Demetri, Zafrina, etc.), so it would be more helpful if you give me **_**both**_** the character and the cliché.**

**Yes, the holidays are around the corner, so I would like to move on to "Plotline Parodies" ASAP. I'm thinking maybe alternating between that story and "OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!" I still don't know though…**

**Next up: DO I KNOW?! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!! –Sobs-**


	33. Chapter 33: Stupid Beefy Felix

**Hello guys! Yes it's the holidays, yes I'm trying to update more, and hopefully you'll see **_**both**_** "Plotline Parodies" and "OMC! The Principal is a Vampire!" this holidays! Special thanks to all those who suggested this idea, especially to TeamVampire for BOTH the character and the cliché! As a reward, although I can only give you two lines, at least you get to bash up a Jacob fan, which was always your dream (Sorry to Jacob fans…)**

**Disclaimer: Well guess what? I'm NOT Stephenie Meyer! So don't sue me 'cause I'm saving up for an Ipod Nano, and I don't want to spend it on legal fees…**

TDIB: Okay guys, what was that about last time?! Because of you, Crappy Twilight Mary Sue is now in hospital nursing some injuries!

Fans: -groans and mumbles- I'm sorry…

TDIB: -smiles- Hey, don't say sorry! I'm glad that you did!

Fans: -shocked- WHAT?!

TDIB: What? Just because I'm the host of the show does not mean that I like every person that I'd interviewed…

Fans: …

TDIB: Moving on, today's guest has been described by others around him as "brawny", "masculine", "idiotic" and "not so bright". Please welcome him – Stupid Beefy Felix!!

-The fan girls boo and hiss as SBF struts on stage like the big macho man/vampire he is-

TDIB: Welcome Felix! Take a seat!

SBF: Yeah, sure. –Sits down and takes his shirt off-

Fans: -are trying not to drool but are failing miserably-

TDIB: -awkward cough- Um, okay…how are you today?

SBF: -shrugs- Good, I'm still on a high from yesterday's explosion…

TDIB: Explosion?

SBF: -grins sheepishly- Yeah, me and Alec kinda blew up the library wing of the Volturi castle. It's just twenty sticks of dynamite, and it wasn't suppose to harm anyone or anything, but somehow hundreds of books are a bit damaged, I'm still mourning over my favourite colouring book, and Jane…well, she was at the wrong place at the wrong time…

Talamack: -stands up- YOU MEAN SHE WAS KILLED?! HOW COULD YOU, YOU BASTARD?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -shouts- YEAH! HOW COULD YOU KILL THE AWESOME JANE?! –Calms down- I mean, what has she ever done to you, besides torturing you with her gaze, making voodoo dolls of you, and framing you when the library was burnt the first time?!

SBF: Wait, it was _her_?! That little bitch framed ME, the amazing, tremendous, breath-taking Felix?! –Pants-

Talamack: -sobs on TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- I cannot believe it…JANE! DEAD!! –Wails-

SBF: -hurriedly- No, no! Jane isn't dead! No one got killed! It's just that, her arm got a bit singed from the explosion, and everyone's tending to her needs now. –Mutters- Everyone _always_ tends to her needs, thanks to her special little talent. If anyone opposes her, she tortures them until they cave in. Why don't _I_ get spoiled like her?! I mean, I AM voted the strongest, sexiest and sweetest of the Volturi guys by Gianna…-Goes into various bodybuilder poses and grins-

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Riiiiiiiiiight…so anyway-

-Is interrupted by MRAJ and Naomi Cullen throwing bricks at the glass wall-

TDIB: (to the two girls) WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

MRAJ: Sweet, we got her attention! –Holds up cardboard sign-

TDIB: -reads sign- _Can I have my Jakey-poo back?_ (To MRAJ) What makes you think I have your Jakey-poo?

Naomi Cullen: Well, he did say that he would come back to us after he'd gone backstage to collect bonus money from you for slaying that bitch, I mean, Mary Sue. –Eyes narrow- Where the fuck is he then?!

TDIB: -with a startled look- What?! He didn't go backstage to see me! I honestly did NOT see him after the fight!

Kythi Ravenswing: -calls out- Hey! That's what Quil said as well! –With an evil voice- Where is my Quil?

SparklingTopazEyes/La tua Cantante101: -in unison- WE WANT SETH!!! –Glares at each other- No, Seth is mine…MINE!!! –Tackles each other-

TDIB: Guys, honestly, it's not me…

LoveSinger12: -stands up- I can see guilt written all over you…

TDIB: Dude. I'm Team Edward. –Cheers from the Edward fan girls-. The werewolves are okay, but I'm not overly in love with them, nor do I think they're horrendously bad…Edward on the other hand…

TeamVampire: -stands up- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! –Starts chanting- EDWARD! CULLEN! EDWARD! CULLEN!

Team Edward Girls: -chants- EDWARD! CULLEN! EDWARD! CULLEN!

EdwardXBella4eva: GIMME AN E!

TEG: E!!!

Number-1-Edward-fangirl: GIMME A D!

TEG: D!!!

LoveSinger12: -stands up- GIMME A JACOB!!

-Awkward silence-

LoveSinger12: Dang, it didn't work…

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- That's it! FOR THIS YOU DIE!!! –Starts punching LoveSinger12-

LoveSinger12: -screams- GAH!!! I'M BEING BASHED BY A MIDGET IN A TEAM EDWARD SHIRT!!!

Naomi Cullen: I'LL HELP YOU DEFEAT THIS IGNORANT LITTLE BITCH!!

MRAJ: ME TOO!!! –Starts ganging on TheImmortalKlutz-

TeamVampire: Hang in there! I'll save you!!! –Punches MRAJ-

EdwardXBella4eva: Yeah! –Kicks Naomi Cullen in the stomach-

TDIB: Girls! GIRLS! –Gets out megaphone- EDWARD CULLEN AND JACOB BLACK IS IN THE BUILDING!!

Fan Girls: -suddenly stops fighting and turns around-

TDIB: -grins like a Chester Cat- Works like a charm…

SBF: -looks around- Edward Cullen is here?! –Cracks knuckles- If I manage to capture him and that guard dog of his, then Aro will forgive me for blowing up his books…-cackles-

TDIB: Um, sorry to burst you bubble, Felix, but that was supposed to be a distraction for the fans to stop them fighting. They're not actually _in_ the build-

SBF: Shhh…I hear them…-stands up and walks silently towards the stage exit-

TDIB: Um…they're not the-

SBF: -whispers- I said shoosh! –Gets into a spy pose, before taking out his shirt and throw it on a ninja's head-

Ninja: AAAAAHHHHH!!! –Insert random Japanese swear words and insults-

SBF: Aha! Now I got you Edward Cullen!!

TDIB: Er…that's the ninja security guard…

SBF: -shouts- YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!! I KNOW YOU'RE PROTECTING EDWARD!!! I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS THAT THIS IS EDWARD C- -pulls off shirt and looks at an angry ninja-. Oh…um…-weakly- Konichiwa?

Angry Ninja: -spits on SBF- Baka! (Idiot!) –Yanks himself away from SBF and storms off-

TDIB: -buries head into hands- Oh God…why does it happen to me…?!

**Hehe, the sucky ending was due to Writers' Block. Hehe…**

**Oh, and by the way, sorry for the Team Jacobs that are bashed up. Please don't kill me...**

**Next up: Don't know yet…THE END IS NEAR!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!! -Cough-**


	34. Chapter 34: Stalker Demetri

**Hey again! This must be a record for me – in the past four days, I've already updated twice on this story (including this chapter), and once on the other one. Go efficiency! But anyway…special thanks to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes for pestering me for weeks to do this, and also to MRAJ, for recommending my story on her profile (I was squeeing when I saw my story mentioned. Thanks!)**

**Disclaimer: Jesus, I am NOT Stephenie Meyer. It's not like I'm actually **_**making**_** money out of this…**

TDIB: Please welcome – Stalker Demetri!!!

-Fans boo and hiss as SD walks on stage with laptop and binoculars-

TDIB: Hello Demetri! Do take a seat!

SD: -sits down and starts typing on the computer-

TDIB: -leans over towards him- Um, I hate to pry, but what are you doing?

SD: -glances up- Nothing…-starts typing again while muttering to himself- Okay, so she lives on 245 Sussex Street, Sydney, she is a Taurus, and her parents are currently divorced, so she lives with her single mother. She also hosts a TV show, owns a chihuahua called Bobo, loves classical and rock music but hates rap and calls pop "superficial", and excels in Science, History and Maths, but not so much in Gym and English…

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Er, you're not, by any chance, talking about _me_, are you?

SD: -looks startled- Of course not! –Types quickly- Caius just wanted this person's personal details about her life, for the greater good of the vampire world, of course.

TDIB: -with a look of horror- Um…why does Caius want to know this person's life?

SD: -glances at TDIB warily- He prefers not to say anything about that…although he did say something about her show revealing the supernatural world to mere mortals…

TDIB: -blinks- Ok-ay then…So um, can you describe a typical day in the Volturi?

SD: I would, bu-

-Is interrupted by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes and Talamack banging the glass wall-

TDIB: (to the two girls) You want Jane's autograph again?!

Talamack: Nope. We want a free trip to Volterra to meet Jane and Alec!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Yeah, for three people. Me, Talamack and James! -Sighs-

TDIB: -rolls eyes- (to SD) Do you want them to go?

SD: Um, preferably not…Caius won't be _too_ happy...

Talamack: -begs- Please…? We'll be good…

SD: -shakes head- Sorry…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -shouts in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent- I vill be barck!! –Storms off with Talamack-

SD: -turns back to TDIB- So where was I? Oh yeah, my job consists of travelling abroad, so it's like two days I'm at home, the rest of the week I might be in Miami or London or Singapore, maybe even longer –sigh-. It's a really demanding job, but someone's got to do it.

TDIB: -nods- So what do you do while you're abroad?

SD: Well, Aro or Caius gives me a mission, and, using my special ability, the Internet, binoculars and a camera, I could track down that person within days.

TDIB: Cool! What type of people do you track down?

SD: Sometimes actual enemies of interest from Caius, but mainly hot chicks with big assets in men magazines.

TDIB: -looks sceptical- Wait, Caius actually _wants_ you to track down a porn star?!

SD: -hurriedly- No, no…Aro does. Not Caius – he's a big prude who spends too much time plotting about how to kill of the Cullens and their allies or trying to overthrow Aro and become head honcho of the vampire world instead. Believe it or not, Aro only ever read sports magazines because of the bikini babes.

TDIB: Um, everyone who read sports magazines do that _because_ of the half-naked girls.

SD: -with a surprised look- Oh, really? I didn't know that…-ponders-…

TDIB: Well, now you d-

-Is rudely interrupted by LoveSinger12-

LoveSinger12: -stands up and punches TeamVampire in the stomach- DIE BITCH, DIE!!!

TeamVampire: -doubles over- Oof! What the fuck was that for?!

LoveSinger12: That was for ganging up on me with your other Team Edward idiots!

MRAJ: -punches air- YES! REVENGE OF THE JACOB FANS!!! WOOOH!!! –Kicks EdwardXBella4eva in the face-

Naomi Cullen: -cackles- I've been waiting a long time for this! –Punches Bookluver142 in the nose-

Bookluver142: -covers nose- YOU ASSHOLE!!! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!!

Naomi Cullen: -evil grin- At school, maybe…here…I don't think so…-Ducks a blow from Bookluver142-

MRAJ: -punches Number-1-Edward fangirl (Who is now Number-1-JASPER-fangirl)-

Number-1-JASPER-fangirl: -shouts- HEY! I'M TEAM JASPER NOW!!!

MRAJ: Well, are you for vampires?

Number-1-JASPER-fangirl: Um, yeah…duh…

MRAJ: Do you hate the oh-so-hot-werewolf-that-is-solely-responsible-for-global-warming Jacob Black?!

Number-1-JASPER-fangirl: Thanks for giving me another reason to hate that son of a b- -Is cut off by a punch in the jaw-

TDIB: GIRLS, STOP!!!

-The enraged fans don't pay attention-

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up with a black sack- I'll rescue you Edwardians!! –Opens up sack and throws evil looking Pokeballs- Go Evil Pikachus of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM, GO!!! –Little glowing black-grey Pikachus with red sinister eyes appear-

TDIB: -moans- Oh no…-Buries head in hands-

SD: -quickly types on laptop- Her show should be not much of a problem to the supernatural world…she doesn't really reveal enough in an episode to jeopardise our existence, due to her audience breaking into random fights at random intervals. –Closes computer screen- Caius won't be too happy, but it should be okay. –Leaves silently through the stage exit-

One Evil Pikachu of Doom: -evilly- Pika pika…CHU!!! –Tackles Naomi Cullen-

Naomi Cullen: -tries to brush off Pikachu- GAH! GET OFF ME!!! -Is zapped by Pikachu's Thunderbolt attack-

TheImmortalKlutz: -cackles- That's for calling me an ignorant bitch!!!

xXCourtney HaleXx: (to cullencutie08) So who do you think will win?

cullencutie08: -ponders- Hmmm…well the Team Edwards have the Pokemon…that's gonna come in handy…

LoveSinger12: Psh, Pikachus?! WE HAVE THE POWER OF JACOB'S SEXINESS!!!

-Dramatic silence-

EdwardXBella4eva: -snorts- Fat lot of good that's gonna do for you. –Punches LoveSinger12-

TDIB: -desperately- EDWARD AND JACOB IS IN THE BUILDING!!!

TeamVampire: -with a WTF look- Seriously, that's getting old. –Tries to kick MRAJ in the ribs but misses-

TDIB: -throws hands up in frustration- Ugh! –Goes back stage in search of a CD player-

ThisIsMyDisguise: (to Kythi Ravenswing) -commentating- Yep, despite the gallant effort, the Team Jacobs have little chance of winning unless they have something to counteract the evil Pikachus.

Kythi Ravenswing: -Concentrates on fight- C'mon, c'mon…let shweety Quil's best friend's fans win…c'mon…

ThisIsMyDisguise: If you want them to win, why don't you join in?

Kythi Ravenswing: I would, but I don't want to give my Quilly-poo a heart attack when I come home with bloody scratches and a black eye.

ThisIsMyDisguise: -shakes head and goes back to observing the fight while eating popcorn-

-The song 'Decode' by Paramore is suddenly projected on the loudspeakers around the building. Everyone stops fighting and listens-

TDIB: -prays- Please stop fighting, please stop fighting...

TeamVampire: -jumps up and down happily- Oooh! I love this song!!!

LoveSinger12: -sings along- _How did we get here? When I used to know you so well…_

xXCourtney HaleXx/cullencutie08: -joins in- _How did we get here? Well, I think I know…_

-The whole audience starts singing along to the song-

TDIB: -grins- Well, that went well…

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!**

**I need a registered beta reader for my fanfic "OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!" Here's the rough summary of the story (it is on my profile as well) – **

Tash, Mannat, Alice, Steph and Nancy are five girls in a Sydney uni-sex private school that has just recently acquired a new principal. But factor in the vampire-look-a-like, a Twilight obsession and sugar, and you'll have a recipe for disaster.

**I need someone who is well-versed in Twilight Fanfiction, especially in Humour and/or Friendship stories. The reason I need a beta for this one is because the structure would be totally different from my other ones (in other words, it has actual paragraphs instead of it being like a script), and I want to see if I got the spelling and grammar right (especially tense. I suck at tense ever since the age of seven). I'm not really good at writing actual stories, so I also want to see if my writing can improve, so it would be preferable if someone could give me some constructive criticism in the chappie. It would be great if it is edited in a relatively short time (at the most, two days), as the holidays are ticking away, and I would like at least five chappies done and posted by the end of January next year. If you're interested, review this story or my other one, or PM me. Thanks!**

**Next: ****(I would leave this blank, because I don't know, but it would look funny, so maybe not…) **


	35. Chapter 35: Grief Stricken Irina

**Hey again! Thanks to all those who offered to beta for me – you guys are awesome, but I need to just pick one. You'll know when you're the chosen one soon enough –cackles-. Thanks also to xXCourtney HaleXx for giving me this idea! Hugs and Twilight sparkles (without the wind chimes) to you!!!**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. You can insert some random joke here.**

TDIB: Guys, what the fuck was that last time?! Especially to you! –Points to LoveSinger12- Why did you start the bloody fight?!

LoveSinger12: -with a broken arm and a black eye- Well, you got to admit, a fight is kinda inevitable…

Bookluver142: -with a bandaged nose- Yeah. You're just in denial…

TDIB: -ignores Bookluver142- And now, there will be no objects allowed that are evenly remotely suspicious, am I right, TheImmortalKlutz?

TheImmortalKlutz: -with a big bruise on the arm- Uh huh, got that…-mutters curses under her breath-

TDIB: -smiles- Well, I'm glad that we got that sorted! Now, our next guest today has just been released from hospital after she was found in a dark cold attic for ten days straight with twenty empty bottles of anti-depressants. Please welcome from the dead – Grief Stricken Irina!!!

-GSI walks miserably in a straight jacket on stage as the audience either claps or boos at her-

TDIB: -warmly- Irina! Welcome to the show!

GSI: -dejectedly- Yeah, thanks. –Mutters to herself- At least someone is happy…-sigh-…

TDIB: So how are you today?

GSI: Crap, as usual. My parents are dead, my life sucks, I can't hold down a freaking boyfriend, and I'm surrounded by fucking idiots and all that shit all the time! I mean, what the fuck?!

TDIB: Um, right then…So why are you so…pessimistic and…angsty?

GSI: Why? I betrayed my family. I betrayed the Cullens. I lost my mate Laurent, which fuelled my hatred for the Cullens and werewolves, the vampires that I know and love are probably killed off by the Volturi, I realised I can't taste the sweetness of chocolate chip cookies or brownies, I can't drink alcohol or take heroin to escape my pain, I accidentally killed off a human and drank his blood, I now look like a beautiful monster with red eyes instead of a beautiful vampire with gold eyes, I actually want a cat as an companion, but all animals hate me, I-

TDIB: -stops GSI- Okay, we get the point. So have you tried to stop your depression?

GSI: -sigh- Why should I bother? I tried anti-depressants but drugs don't work on me. I tried morphine but the needle can't pierce my granite-hard skin. The psychiatrists are either trying to flirt with me or are analysing me as if they want to see my physical flaws. –Shouts- I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!!! WHY ME?! WHY ME???!!! –Threw herself down the chair and starts banging her head onto the floor, causing a small hole-

TDIB: -inspects newly made hole- Um…right…so-

-Is interrupted by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes banging on the glass wall-

TDIB: -irritably- Now what?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: (to GSI) Irina?

GSI: -without emotion- What?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: You know your mate Laurent?

GSI: -sniffs- Oh Laurent…Laurent…-sighs-…That beautiful face…his sweetness…his hot sexy bod…-chokes up before dry sobbing-

TDIB: -angrily- Oh God, now look what you did to her!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -looks at GSI with surprise- I didn't know! I didn't mean it! Honestly, I swear!!!

TDIB: -tries to comfort GSI- Irina? It's okay, it's okay…

GSI: -sniffs- I-I-I'm s-s-sorry…What ab-bout…him?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Erm…did he ever tell you about a vampire called-

TDIB: -cuts in- James? Is that so much as a surprise?!

xrosecullenx: -gasps-Oh my Carlisle…she's telepathic!!! Like Edward Cullen!!!

TDIB: I am NOT telepathic! It's kinda obvious…-blushes a bit- But thanks anyway!!!

xrosecullenx: -bows- You're welcom-

-Is interrupted by EdwardXBella4eva throwing a black ball at the bunch of Jacob fans-

EdwardXBella4eva: -shouts- GO PIKACHU OF DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Pikachu: -evilly- Pika pika…CHU!!! –Clings itself on MRAJ and starts biting her-

TheImmortalKlutz: So that's where my missing Pikachu went…

MRAJ: -tries to punch the pokemon- Get it off me!!!

TDIB: Hey! How did you get that through security?!

EdwardXBella4eva: -shrugs- I told them it was my toy pikachu…His name is Shocky!!!

Shocky: PIKA…CHU!!! –Thunderbolts LoveSinger12-

LoveSinger12: GAAAAAAAAH!! I'M ELECTROCUTED!!!

Naomi Cullen: Yeah well…Take this! –Throws a black sinister-looking ball at Shocky, which then changes into a black reptilian-looking creature with a grey bulb on its back- Meet my Evil Bulbasaur of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: Oh…so that's where my missing Bulbasaur went…

Naomi Cullen: Bulby, kill that thing!

EdwardXBella4eva: Shocky! Thunderbolt attack!!!

Shocky: -attacks Bulbasaur and MRAJ/LoveSinger12 with thunderbolt, causing a blackout in the building-

TeamVampire: -yells out- FUCK! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

SparklingTopazEyes/La tua Cantante101: -screams in unison- SETH!!! SETH!!! COME SAVE YOUR BELOVED HUMANS!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Okay, I'm going now! -Tries to feel her way through towards the exit-

GSI: -sighs- Huh…this only happens when I'm around…bad luck follows me like my own personal rain cloud…

TDIB: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!!!

cullencutie08: -shouts- AT LEAST WE'RE HELPING TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING!

LoveSinger12: Which was definitely caused by Jacob's hotness…

TeamVampire/EdwardXBella4eva/TheImmortalKlutz/Bookluver142: …Ewww…

-The lights are suddenly back on in the building-

ThisIsMyDisguise: -in a deep voice- LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!

xXCourtney HaleXx: No really, that's just lame…

TDIB: -looks startled- Holy God, when did you come in?!

Over Protective Edward: -with the Cullens, the Denalis and the werewolves behind him- When you had that blackout, we came to see Irina. Someone tip us off today that she was going to be here today, and we just want to see h-

-Is interrupted again by a bunch of fan girls running on stage-

TDIB: (to fan girls) WHAT THE HELL?! HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -holds up evil undead bunny- With this!!! –Let's bunny demonstrates its ninja moves-

TeamVampire/EdwardXBella4eva/Other Team Edward girls: -squeals- EDWARD!!! –Runs to him and rubs head on his chest-

Number-1-JASPER-fangirl/RainyxDays: JASPER!!! –Dashes towards Jasper and strokes his chest and stomach-

twilite addict: EMMY-POO!!! MY EMMY-POO!!! –Runs towards Emmett and pecks his cheek-

-Half the audience runs up on stage and starts kissing/hugging/mentally scar their favourite hot guy, Cullen or werewolf-

TDIB: -yells into megaphone- (To Tanya) Who told you that Irina was here?

Tanya: -smiles- The girl who wanted this werewolf called Quil. Oh, that reminds me, -turns to Kythi Ravenswing- you can take him home if you want.

Claire Obsessed Quil: -started protesting- Hey! I don't want to go!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: (to COQ) Oh don't be ridiculous, dear! You're coming home with me and you'll sleep in the same room! I just got a nice double bed moved in, so…

COQ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Is dragged away by Kythi Ravenswing and her undead ninja bunnies-

GSI: -hugs everyone of the Cullens and the Denalis- My God, you're alive!!!

Kate: Let's go!!! –Runs out of the studio-

OPE: Girls! Get off me! Please!

TeamVampire: -clings to him tighter- No…

TDIB: -walks off stage- This wasn't part of the job description…

**Yeah, I know…it's really random…**

**I'm now thinking of actually posting the first chappie of "Plotline Parodies" BEFORE I finish this story. Rest assured that I'll still do the ending, and the interview with the fans are going nicely along, but at the rate that I'm going with this story, by the time it actually finishes, it's probably school again, and I want to post at least five chapters from BOTH "Plotline Parodies" and "OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!" by the end of the holidays. **

**Because of this, I'll now give you the poll results on my profile, as I'm going to take it off.**

**Out of the 38 people who voted - **

**28 people (73%) wanted "Plotline Parodies"  
10 people (26%) wanted "OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!"**

**Thanks to those who voted!!! Because of you guys, I've decided to post two stories at the same time to stop people from being too disappointed.**

**The Dawn Is Breaking, OUT!**

**Next up: -shrugs- Don't know…**


	36. Chapter 36: Shy Kim

**Hiya!! Sorry it took so long to update this story – I was too busy writing up chappies of "Plotline Parodies" that I've pretty much almost forgotten this one…Anyway thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story!!!**

**Disclaimer: Seriously guys, I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

TDIB: Okay, guys, can you _please_ stop the fighting? Believe it or not, I don't want to have my interviews interrupted by fan girls randomly punching each other, okay?

ThisIsMyDisguise: -calls out- PARTY POOPER!!

TDIB: -glares at ThisIsMyDisguise before continuing- Anyway, our next guest today has only recently been getting in touch with her more social side after years of hiding and being unnoticed at school. Please make her feel welcome – Shy Kim!!!

-The fans clap and cheer as SK self-consciously makes her way slowly towards her seat-

TDIB: Hey Kim! How are you today?

SK: -whispers nervously- Um, er, great…-blushes-

TDIB: -smiles reassuringly- It's okay to be nervous, but it would be great if you could overcome it…

SK: -nods before biting her nails-

TDIB: Anyway, how's your day so far?

SK: -whispers- It was okay, I guess…-with a faraway look- Jared took me to Port Angeles an-

Kythi Ravenswing: -pipes up- Did you just said Jared?! Oh my God, do you know anything about Quil?!

TDIB: -impatiently- I thought Quil was living with you.

Kythi Ravenswing: Yeah, but he escaped. Again.

TDIB: -mutters- I wonder why…

Kythi Ravenswing: -ignores TDIB- So do you? PLEASE SAY YES, BECAUSE I CANNOT BE COMPLETE WITHOUT MY QUIL-LY POO!!!

SK: -ponders- Um…are you that person called…Kythi…Kythi something Wing…Eaglewing?

Kythi Ravenswing: It's Ravenswing, Kim…So do you?!

SK: Um…not really…

Kythi Ravenswing: -snorts- You hang around werewolves, and you don't even know my little puppy dog Quil?!

SK: -looks taken back and blushes- Well, I only hang around one werewolf…the others are a bit intimidating…

Kythi Ravenswing: -takes out an Evil Pokeball of DOOOOOOOOOM- You got to be kidding, aren't you? –Walks towards her on stage- Look, tell me everything you know about Quil, or otherwise I'll release my Quil Jnr…in this case, my Growlithe.

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- GUYS!!! CAN YOU STOP STEALING MY POKEMONS OF DOOM?!

Naomi Cullen/EdwardXBella4va/Kythi Ravenswing: -in unison- Nooooooo…

TDIB: Dude, stop scaring the poor girl! Look at her!!! –Gestures to SK's really pale face-

SK: -shakily- Um, it's okay…-sounds scared- Growlithe?

Kythi Ravenswing: -smugly- Allow me to demonstra-

TDIB: -interrupts Kythi Ravenswing- No, you are _not_ going to demonstrate anything, okay?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -scowls angrily- Fine, where is Quil? –Twists Pokeball ominously-

SK: -eyes Pokeball- Erm…to be honest with you…um…I'm not really suppose to tell you an- -Sees Kythi Ravenswing about to throw the ball and shouts- QUIL IS CURRENTLY SEEKING PROTECTION WITH THE CULLENS AND THE REST OF THE PACK, AND HAS PLACED A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU!!! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!! –Pants-

Kythi Ravenswing: -smiles- Good girl…That wasn't so bad now, was it?

SK: -is on the verge of tears-

TDIB: -impatiently- Now can you go?!

Kythi Ravenswing: Yeah, yeah, I'll be off to see Quil! –Walks off-

TDIB: -sighs- Ugh, she's starting to give me the shits…

SK: -nervous laugh-

TDIB: Anyway, so before we were rudely interrupted, how was your day?

SK: Um, Jared took me to Port Angeles and into an Italian restaurant called La Bella Italia an-

TheImmortalKlutz: -shouts- OOOH! THAT'S THE RESTAURANT THAT BELLA WENT TO IN TWILIGHT WHEN EDWARD REVEALED THAT HE'S A VAMPIRE!!!

MRAJ: Well, thank _you_, Little Miss Obvious…

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- Are you making fun of my height?!

LoveSinger12: -snorts- More like lack of height…

TDIB: Guys, can I get on with the interview?!

TheImmortalKlutz/MRAJ/LoveSinger12: -mumbles- Sorry…

TDIB: -turns back to SK- So, you were at La Bella Italia and?

SK: Oh! Um-

TeamVampire: -pipes up- Did you have mushroom ravioli?!

TDIB: PEOPLE!!! STOP FREAKING INTERRUPTING ME!!!

Bookluver142: But it's fun!!! And I like cookies!!!

Twilightfan21: -screams- ME TOO!!! ESPECIALLY TRIPLE CHOC CHIP!!!

TDIB: GUYS!!! HOW DID WE GET TO THE TOPIC OF COOKIES?!

Bookluver142: -sheepishly- Um…I don't really know…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Anyway, so you were at La Bella Italia, and?

SK: Um…we ate and talk, Jared paid the bill like the gentleman he is, we took a drive around the area, and we..um…you know…-blushes-

cullencutie08: -wolf whistles- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!

Number-1-JASPER-fangirl: -calls out- HUBBA HUBBA HUBBA!!!

SK: -in a desperate voice- No no, that's not what I mean an-

SparklingTopazEyes: -grins- Was he good?

MRAJ: -clasps hands over her mouth- Oh my God, you didn't…

SK: -whispers something in TDIB's ear-

TDIB: GIRLS!!! She did _not_ do the deed with Jared!!! She didn't go that far…

twilite addict: -mutters to herself- Oh yeah, disappoint us, why don't you…

TDIB: Anyway, moving on, why were you so shy?

SK: -cocks head to one side- I don't really know actually…I just feel like an outsider, a puzzle piece that never quite fits. It wasn't until I started dating Jared that I've finally made an effort to try to overcome my shyness. –Blushes-

TeamVampire: Awww…

La tua Cantante101: -wipes away imaginary tears- That's so sweet…

TDIB: -smiles- That's great!

SK: -blushes some more- Yeah, I know-

-Is interrupted by Jared running on stage half-naked-

Fan Girls: -hyperventilates- Ahh…so…hot…-faints-

Jared: -scoops up SK bridal style- Are you all right sweetheart?! You look flushed! –Glares at TDIB- What did you do to her?! Why did you scare her?!

TDIB: -looks nervous- Um, I didn't mean to…er, I honestly didn't do anything…ah…-turns to Fan Girls- Now look what you did!!! You incurred the wrath of Jared!!!

LoveSinger12: -shrugs- Yeah, well it's fun to see you in a really awkward position, even if it is a bit sadistic…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -pipes up- LIKE JAMES!!!

Bookluver142: -stands up- Quit talking about James, bitch!!! –Slaps her in the face-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -pants- You just released the wrath of James, idiot! –Kicks Bookluver142 in the stomach-

TDIB: Girls! GIRLS!!! STOP IT!!! STOP!!

Jared: (to SK) How about we go now?

SK: -nods- Yes please. –Both disappear backstage-

TDIB: -sighs- Okay, this show is getting kinda sucky…

**Well, what do you think?**

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!!! MUST READ!!!**

**Okay, seriously I have to end this story soon. No more ideas for this story (sorry!), so yeah…**

**Oh, and remember the Fan Competition for the Fan Girl's interview? Here are the winners – **

**Team Edward – TheImmortalKlutz, TeamVampire and FanpireFrostbite**

**Team Jacob – MRAJ, Naomi Cullen and Wishing for a Werewolf**

**Team Switzerland – ThisIsMyDisguise, cullencutie08 and secilmis yazar**

**Team Jasper – Number-1-JASPER-fangirl and RainyxDays**

**Team Emmett – jenncrazyy909 and FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut**

**Team Carlisle – Angel of Apathy**

**Team James – TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (Is anyone surprised?)**

**Team Jane – Talamack**

**Team Seth – La tua Cantante101 and SparklingTopazEyes (Shocking news, I know…)**

**Team Quil – (Yep, you guessed it) Kythi Ravenswing**

**Team Mike – TheLastWildflowerGirl**

**Okay, like I've said to some of these people, can everyone mentioned (besides the Team Edwards and Team Jacobs) get in touch with the other people on the same team and create a poem/song parody/whatever? You don't have to do it if you don't want to, but if you are, it would be preferable if it's not too long (as you can see, I have to squish a lot in a chapter). The reason the Team Edwards and Team Jacobs don't need to write a song parody/poem is because I've already written it out and is planning to put it in the chappie. Once again, congratulations!!! (For those of you who are wondering why you were not chosen, it's because you didn't submit your response. Everyone who submitted a response got in.) And yes, the competition is closed now.**

**Next up: Jared!**


	37. Chapter 37: Kim Obsessed Jared

**Hey again!!! Sorry for the really long delay, but I've got a couple of really good excuses – 1) I was caught up in the festivities of Christmas, and pigged out on turkey and pork, 2) I went with my family on a one-day trip and came back at ten at night with sore legs, 3) I was on YouTube watching random funny videos because I wasn't in the mood for writing, 4) a couple of friends called me and we chatted for two hours, and 5) I watched more TV. –Breathes deeply- Anyway, on with the story/show!!!**

**Disclaimer: Me?! Stephenie Meyer?! I don't think so…**

TDIB: Guys…what part of "Don't Fight" don't you understand? Honestly, please stop the fighting!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -shouts- HOW ABOUT…NO?

TDIB: -ignores TheImmortalKlutz- So our next guest today has only agreed to have an interview with us so long as his sweetheart shall be safe from the fans…and the ninjas…and me…and the camera…well, pretty much everything. Please welcome – Kim Obsessed Jared!!!

-The fans claps and cheers as KOJ walks on stage while carrying Shy Kim-

TDIB: -smiles- Hello Jared! How are you today?

KOJ: -briskly- I'm fine. –Looks around- Do you have another chair here? Kim needs one.

SK: -protests- No I don't.

KOJ: Yes you do. I don't want you're legs to be tired, okay?

SK: No seriously, I'm fine.

KOJ: (to TDIB) Can you get one?

TDIB: Um…sure…-Motions for one of the ninjas to bring a chair-

KOJ: -calls out- Make sure it has padding on both the seat AND the back, okay?

TDIB: Sure sure.

-The ninja brings a green chair over next to KOJ-

KOJ: -shakes head- No no, it has to be BLUE! It's Kim's favourite colour!

SK: -quietly- Er, it's okay Jared. I don't mind green an-

KOJ: -cuts in- But you deserve the best, my sweetest. Blue's your favourite colour, right?

SK: Yes, bu-

KOJ: Good. –Turns to ninja- A blue sofa please, with extra cushions. And a foot spa. And a hot chocolate fudge sundae complete with strawberries and whipped cream. And a professional masseur.

SK: -pleads- Jared dearest, please! I'll be fine just standing up an-

KOJ: No Kim, you will not be fine standing up. You'll get pins and needles in your legs.

Ninja: -heaves a large blue sofa over- Here it is, with the extra cushions and foot spa. Someone's currently making the sundae, so it won't take long now.

KOJ: -angrily- And where's the masseur?!

Ninja: -bows- He's coming right now. He practiced massaging and acupuncture in Japan as well as ninjitsu for fifteen years ever since he was ten. I hope that satisfies you.

Massuer: -bows- Konichiwa. -SK sits down, and the Massuer starts massaging her shoulders-

KOJ: -picks up red cushions- Um, don't you have any blue or white cushions?!

Ninja: I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any blue ones, and the white ones are currently in the wash.

KOJ: -throws cushions at Ninja, who catches them- Well that's not good, is it?! I NEED THE DAMN WHITE CUSHIONS!!!

-Meanwhile, in the audience…-

MRAJ: (to Naomi Cullen and LoveSinger12): Um, is it just me, or does Jared's over protectiveness reminds you of a certain vampire called Edward Cullen?

Naomi Cullen: -gasps- Oh yeah…it so does!!!

Bookluver142: -overhears the conversation- YOU IDIOT!!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN?!

TeamVampire: Who insulted Edward?! –Assumes Matrix fighting position and wags finger- BRING IT ON BITCH! BRING IT ON!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- Hey! Guess what I got?! -Holds up a brown sack- EVIL CUPCAKES OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Team Edward Fans: WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Immediately runs up to TheImmortalKlutz and starts demanding for the cupcakes-

TDIB: GIRLS! SIT DOWN!!! –Turns back to KOJ- Honestly Jared, can't you just use the red cushions? There's no difference between them when it comes to softness.

KOJ: Yeah, but Kim rather prefers white to red, right?

SK: -nervously- Um, I don't mind…I like red…

KOJ: But not as much as white?

SK: Eh, yeah, but-

KOJ: Well, there you go.

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Er Jared, I think Kim wouldn't mind if she uses red cushions instead an-

KOJ: Look lady, I know her better than you do, despite your feeble attempts to interview her, okay?

TDIB: But, bu-

-Is interrupted by the Ninja running up with a large tupperware bowl with hot fudge sundae-

Ninja: -bows- Here you go, complete with a spoon.

KOJ: Thank you. –Hands sundae over to SK-

TDIB: Ahem, so what do you do in a typical day?

KOJ: -smiles while drapes arm around SK- Well, in the morning, I sneak out of Kimmy's bedroom, look at her through the kitchen window during breakfast, and then walk through the her door. We then take a romantic walk around the beach, a long drive to Seattle, go to an expensive restaurant in Port Angeles, or something like that...

Fans: Awww…

LoveSinger12: -shouts- CAN I HAVE JACOB?!

SparklingTopazEyes: YEAH! CAN I HAVE SETH?!

TDIB: Guys! You cannot have them!!!

SK: -nudges KOJ- Um, sweetie…there's something in my sundae an-

KOJ: -panics- Oh my God!!! Get it out!!! It might be poison! Or a fly! Or Jacob's pubic hair! –Pants-

SK: Er, it's actually a piece of wax paper. –Holds up chocolate-covered paper and opens it up-

TDIB: -leans in closer- What does it read?

SK: -squints- Ah…-Reads- _To Jared and Kim. If you are reading this, then it is I who made your sundae and inserted this slip of paper in this (hopefully) delicious dessert. Can I have my one and only true love called Quil? If you answered yes, then tell me where he lives and how to anchor him to my bedroom so he never escapes. If you answered no, then I will detonate the stink bomb that is hidden underneath the layers and layers of full-fat ice cream and nuts, and everyone will pass out from the smell, including you. Please choose wisely (in other words, please say yes). Kythi._

KOJ: -shouts- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Knocks sundae from SK, which spills onto the rug-

TDIB: -points to the semi-melted ice cream- Look what you did!!! That's gonna take forever to clean up!

TeamVampire: Well, you'll get forever if your boyfriend is a vampire!!!

EdwardXBella4eva: In other words, Edward!!!

Number-1-JASPER-fangirl: Or Jasper!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Or James!!! GO JAMES!!!

KOJ: -searches frantically on the floor- Where's the stink bomb?!

-A tennis ball-sized brown ball rolls out and starts ticking-

Kythi Ravenswing: -stands up with a mask over her nose and mouth- Well, what is your answer? –Holds up detonator- If you so much as touch the bomb, or flee without answering my question, I will press this button. –Cackles- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

KOJ: Kim, get out now!

SK: -pleads- But what about you?

KOJ: I'm a werewolf, so I'll be fine. Now get out!

SK: -nods, before running towards the exit-

TheImmortalKlutz: -shouts- SAYONARA SUCKERS!!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!! –Runs out after throwing an Evil Cupcake of Doom at MRAJ-

MRAJ: -screams- YOU BITCH!!! –Chases TheImmortalKlutz out of the studio-

Kythi Ravenswing: -sneers- So what will it be?

KOJ: Please, you got to understand! Quil has already found his other half, okay?

Kythi Ravenswing: Psh! They won't last! I mean, If Quil is with Claire, then technically, he's a paedophile, and I don't want him to go to jail!

KOJ: Well, he's unavailable, so no.

Kythi Ravenswing: -steely- Are you sure?

TDIB: -screams- EVERYONE, GET OUT!!! –Runs backstage-

KOJ: Yes. –Sprints towards the entrance-

Kythi Ravenswing: If you say so…-Pushes button-

KOJ: -slow motion- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Starts coughing- GAH!!! IT STINKS!!! –Passes out-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! JAMES!!! HELP YOUR FAVOURITE HUMAN, PLEASE!!! -Runs out and breathes in fresh air-

La tua Cantante101: WHERE'S SETHY-WETHY WHEN YOU NEEDED HIM?! -Tumbles out on the grass outside and pants-

(Meanwhile, outside…)

TDIB: Girls! Stop fighting!!!

Naomi Cullen: I. AM. GOING. TO. KILL. YOU!!! –Punches TeamVampire-

TeamVampire: -snorts- Yeah right…a three-legged arthritic chihuahua could scratch better than you can…

Bookluver142: -smiles- Hell yeah!!!

TDIB: -shakes head- This fight is going to get worse, isn't it?

**Yep, this is the last chapter where I interview ONE character for the whole chappie.**

**About the song parodies/poems – **

**If you're one of the chosen ones who are NOT Team Edward or Team Jacob, can you please send in the poem/song soon before the next chappie? If you don't want to do it, then please tell me, as I need to know ASAP. Thanks!!!**

**Next: Interviews That Didn't Quite Make It**


	38. Interviews that Didn't Quite Make It

**Hiya!!! I just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! Hope this year shall be awesome for all of you, and that it will be better than the last!!!**

**Warning: This chapter is longer, lamer and crappier that the previous ones. **

**Disclaimer: Me. Is. Not. Stephenie. Meyer. Case. Closed.**

TDIB: Since this show started about five months ago, I, as the host, learnt a lot of valuable lessons from interviewing unoriginal characters in Twilight Fanfiction. While most of these were pretty successful more or less, there are a few that did not quite make it. –Takes out remote control and presses the ON button towards the movie-sized screen behind- The only reason why these didn't was because they were either shorter than Alice's mini-skirts, dumber than Emmett after watching Hannah Montana, or more random than Jane running around mainland Europe in a Dracula costume.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes/Talamack: -shouts- WOOOOOOO!!! GO JANE!!!

TDIB: -sigh- Oh God, not YOU again…

-On the screen- (All the dialogue is now on the screen unless specifically stated otherwise)

TDIB: Now, please welcome on stage – PMS-y Leah!!!

-Fans boo and hiss as PMSL struts onto the stage with an 'I have a grudge against the Universe' look-

PMSL: -gives the audience the finger-

TDIB: Welcome to the show Leah! Or would you be liked to call Lee-Lee?

PMSL: -growls- No. One. Calls. Me. LEE-LEE! –Starts bitch-fighting with TDIB-

Fan Girls: -chants- FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT –punch- FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT –kick- FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT –slap in the face- FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!

TDIB: (To Fans and Film Crew) Hey! –insert hair pulling and squeals of pain- A little help here?!

Everyone else: Nah, this is more entertaining…

TDIB: (To LB) Owww! –scratches PMSL's face- Are you on steroids or something?!

PMSL: -tries to throttle TDIB while being dragged away by five ninjas- SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH!!!

* * *

TDIB: -walks onto stage with her arm in a sling and her head in bandages- Don't worry about me –limps towards her seat-; I should be fine now –winces in pain as she sits down-. Anywho, our next guest is described by those who know him best as "the boring one". Please welcome him on stage – Dull as Dishwater Marcus!

-Fans are clapping as DDM slowly walks towards his seat with a bored expression on his face-

TDIB: -cheerfully- Hello Marcus! How are you today?

DDM: -still has the bored look-

TDIB: Hmmm…you're the strong, silent type, aren't you?

DDM: …

TDIB: -pokes DDM- -poke- -poke-

DDM: -stares straight ahead with that bored expression-

Some Random Fan Girl: -yelling from audience- Get over that Didyme person, would you?!

DDM: -ignores fan girl and stares in front of him-

TDIB: Hmph, you're no fun…

* * *

TDIB: Now, for safety reasons, please make her feel welcome, Angela the Witch!!!

-The audience cheers as AW, dressed in black robes, flies in on her Nimbus 2001 with a black kitty perched on the back of the broomstick-

TDIB: Hello Angela! That is a cute black cat you've got there!

AW: Why thank you! His name is Ben, after my former boyfriend who stumbled onto my secret lair…and fell into my cauldron…that was full of a certain, transfiguration potion…hehe…

TDIB: -backs away from AW- Yah, okay…so, what do you do as a witch?

AW: -laughs- Oh, better things than what you Muggles, erm, I mean, ordinary people would do. I mean, Witches' Weekly Magazine is way better than Cosmopolitan!

TDIB: Well, I didn't really think of you as someone who would read gir- witches' magazines!

AW: -smiles- Witches' mags don't have the same girly content. They only have love potion recipes, the latest in witches' fashions (black is like, so in now), and the coolest shop in Diagon Alley this month – The Weasley Wizarding Wheezes!!!

Random Fan Girl: -booing- Harry Potter sucks!!!

AW: -gasps- How dare you insult my future husband!!! –Transforms RFG into a golden retriever-

Rest of the Audience and TDIB: -screaming- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MIKE!!! –Runs towards the nearest exit-

AW: -in a sweet voice- Don't worry, I'll change her back…

* * *

TDIB: Please warmly welcome her – Man-Eater Tanya!!!

-MET struts on stage with barely anything covering her skin-

Fans: -are tied between clapping and booing at her-

MET: -in a high pitched, annoying voice- Hey guys!!!

Fans: …-shudder-

TDIB: Hello Tanya! Do take a seat!

MET: -giggles- Why thank you! –Sits down with her legs wide open-

Audience: -cough- Slut -cough-

TDIB: Um…so…-takes a deep breath- What do you think of Bella and Edward together?

MET: I don't know why he would choose her over me!!! I mean, between me, the Queen of Sex, and that virgin, I am obviously more talented and experience in that, erm, field. So Edward honey, -turns towards the camera and Film Crew- if you're watching this, ask yourself if you're making a big mistake, okay? –Blows kisses to the camera-

Film Crew (who were behind said camera): -drools- So…hot…

MET: -winks- Well guys, -stands up and walks seductively towards them- since you're doing such a great job in operating the camera, I've got a surprise for you…

TDIB: -mutters- Oh God, this cannot be good…

MET: -takes off clothes- Naked Time!!! –Dances around the stage in the raw-

TDIB and Fan Girls: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OUR EYES HAS BEEN SOILED!!! –Runs to nearest exit-

MET: -looks around- (To Film Crew) Well well well, we're alone…

* * *

TDIB: So please give it up for Quil Obsessed Claire!!!

-The fans claps and cheers as QOC is brought out with Claire Obsessed Quil-

TDIB: -smiles- Hello Claire! You're such a cute little baby!

QOC: -giggles- Quil likes me! –Punches COQ in the stomach-

Kythi Ravenswing: -shouts- Quil! QUIL!!! PLEASE MARRY ME QUIL, AND NOT THAT SORRY EXCUSE OF A GIRLFRIEND!!!

COQ: She is not my girlfriend yet!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: -clambers on stage-

TDIB: HEY! GET OFF!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: (to QOC) DIE BITCH DIE!!! –Tries to attack the toddler, but is blocked off by COQ-

COQ: What the fuck are you doing?! Isn't kidnapping me and trying to rape me enough?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -passionately- Can't you feel the chemistry between us? I love you Quil, I love you!!! I need to eliminate all competition so that we'll be faithful to each other…

COQ: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Runs out with QOC in his arms with Kythi Ravenswing right behind him-

TDIB: Yeah…that was a bad idea to interview her…

* * *

TDIB: Do welcome on stage – Emotionless Alec!!!

-Fans boo and hiss as EA walks on stage like a robot-

TDIB: Well Alec! How are you today?

EA: -in a mechanic voice- Okay.

TDIB: -nods- Uh huh, right. Why are you like an unemotional sack?

EA: Because I don't care.

TDIB: -raises eyebrow- Okay the-

-Is interrupted by Talamack and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes running on stage-

Talamack: -squeals- Oh my God!!! Can you give me Jane?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: ALEC!!! –Rugby tackles him-

TDIB: (to TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Um, I thought you love James…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: It doesn't mean I don't like Alec, okay?!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Whatever…

* * *

TDIB: Now, we have a very special guest today, one that you'll all go crazy for…Give it up for Mrs Stephenie Meyer!!!

-SM strolls on stage while waving at the squealing fan girls-

SM: Hi guys!!!

Fan Girls: -hyperventilating- Oh my Carlisle…it's GOD!!! -Starts scrambling onto the stage while trying to hug/tackle SM- I LOVE YOU STEPHENIE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

SM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Is squished under a pile of crazy fans on sugar-

TeamVampire: -screaming- CAN I HAVE EDWARD PLEASE?! I WANT ME SOME EDWARD!!!

Naomi Cullen/MRAJ: I LOVE JACOB!!! GIVE ME JACOB!!! OR SOME OTHER HOT WEREWOLF, I DON'T MIND!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: CAN I BE A VAMPIRE PLEASE? OR AT LEAST GIVE ME JAMES?!

ThisIsMyDisguise: CAN YOU PLEEEEEEEEASE SIGN MY COPY OF TWILIGHT, NEW MOON, ECLIPSE, BREAKING DAWN, THE HOST, MY TWILIGHT MOVIE POSTERS, THE PHOTOS AT COMIC-CON, MY TWILIGHT MOVIE CALENDAR, AND THIS HOT PICTURE OF THE CULLENS AND THE WEREWOLVES THAT I DREW YESTERDAY? PRETTY PLEEEEEEEEASE?

TDIB: -shakes head- Okay, maybe I should get that glass wall in, just in case…

* * *

TDIB: Please welcome, the Dark Lord himself – Lord Voldemort!!! Wait, (To Film Crew) Lord Voldemort?!

Film Crew: -shrugs- Hey, don't ask us. We're just innocent bystanders an-

-There is silence amongst the audience as LV walks onto the stage in sweeping black robes with a bunch of Death Eaters-

TDIB: -suddenly becomes nervous- L-l-l-lord Voldemort!!! How n-n-nice to see you, hehe!!!

LV: Shut up Muggle bitch, and get on with the damn therapy! I've been sent here against my own free will, so make it snappy!

TDIB: -in an anxious, high-pitched voice- Um, therapy?

LV: Ah, duh…anger management course, 3 pm, Monday…rings any bells?

TDIB: -shakes head- Nope, I think you got the place wrong…

LV: Hang on a sec, is this St Mungo's?

TDIB: -gives LV a weird look- Er, obviously not…

Random Death Eater: -calls from the back of the crowd- Well, I _did_ say that you're losing your touch, Voldie! You couldn't even apparate properly! –Mutters to himself- And you're thinking of taking on a scrawny, nerdy, angsty teenager…

LV: Shut up and let's go!!! –Suddenly disappears from the stage-

TDIB: -with a WTF look- Okay…that was random…

-Back on stage-

TDIB: -stops the footage on the screen- Well there you have it folks!!! This shall be the last show ever before the fan girls' special –groans from audience-. However, I have learnt a few very important things along the way. One, clichéd Twilight characters are boring and annoying in stories, but are immensely fun to interview and humiliate. Two, don't ever use hyper fan girls on sugar as security guards, and three, don't mention the words 'shopping', 'makeovers' and 'make-up' in front of Alice.

Hyper Shopping Addict Alice: -runs on stage- Did you say…makeover?

TDIB: -urgently- No, Alice, no an- AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! –Is being dragged by HSAA- (To audience) SO, TUNE INTO THE FANS' INTERVIEW, AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!! –Is finally dragged off-stage in the midst of a huge applause from the fan girls-

**Hehe, yeah...**

**The next chapter for this story is called "Where Are They Now?", and it takes a look at the previous guests and how they are doing since their interview. After that shall be the Fans' Interview.**

**For those who were chosen to be interviewed, if you haven't handed in your song parody/poem, then can you please do it ASAP? I need them for the Fans' Interview. If you don't want to do it, then please message me, 'cause I need to know!**

**Next Chappie: "Where are They Now?"**


	39. Where Are They Now?

**Well, since it's the New Year, I was feeling a bit generous today, so here's the next chappie! Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: Oh God, I'm running out of witty disclaimers...-sigh- I am not Stephenie Meyer. **

TDIB: Hel-lo Twi-hards!!! It has been a long time since we've interviewed our first few guests. Let's look back to what they had been doing since their interview –

_In the Cullen/Denali Household_ –

Buddha Calm Carlisle hasn't got over "The Song That gets on Everybody's Nerves" after his brief appearance with us. This is probably due to the fact that First Grader Emmett kept singing the song in his office while only wearing a pair of boxers blessed by the "talking vampire monkey god".

Mother Hen Esme has been pestering Nessie the Mute to talk after her kindergarten teacher was admitted into a mental institute for 'seeing visions of a five year old drinking blood'.

Hyper Shopping Addict Alice has dragged the now vampire Klutzy Blushing Bella shopping with her (again!) for the millionth time. Thanks to his paranoid nature, Over Protective Edward –swoons from Team Edward Fans- came along with her, just in case if she gets "stalked by a rapist". Unfortunately for Bella, the trait that she had enhanced from her human life was her clumsiness, and the Cullens have to fork out millions of dollars of compensation for each shopping centre that she went to and destroyed. You would have thought that would stop Alice, would you? Nup…

Bitchy Self Centred Rosalie has won "America's Next Top Model"! However, the remainder of the contestants has been reduced to tears after _someone_ messed up their make-up, ripped their designer clothes and underwear, and had mysteriously broken their ankles and arms the night before the photo shoots.

Emo Jasper has received an award for the most angsty poem in a recent Goth/Emo festival. His prize? A black and blood-red medal, a life-time supply of black eye-shadow and eyeliner, and the honour to cut someone's wrists up.

Grief Stricken Irina has recovered slightly just in time for Christmas with the Cullens. However, everyone has to make sure that she stays away from the werewolves' teeth in case she gets "suicidal thoughts".

Man Eater Tanya has escaped Alaska after the girlfriends of her 'willing hunks' found out that she has slept with them. She is probably in Thailand now, visiting the Buddhist temples, hanging out on the beach, screwing the tourists there…

_In La Push..._

Egotistical Jacob the Jerk is currently competing for "American Idol". He only just got in after Paula Abdul said, in the auditions, that he really is "too sexy for his shirt".

Serious Sam has tied the knot with Muffin Girl Emily! However, the whole wedding, reception and all, has only taken half an hour as Sam insists on "getting the job done" and patrolling the La Push beach for the next 15 hours. Poor Emily…she has spent her honeymoon in the kitchen baking muffins and cookies for the werewolves…

Pissed Off Paul has gone to St Mungo's with Lord Voldemort for an anger management course. So far, it has been pretty good…Paul has only phased five times, as opposed to the ten in the first few thirty minute sessions.

Wise Ol' Billy, has opened up a Help Centre in La Push for those who want inner peace, the meaning of life, how to get hooked up, etc. The price? If you're a werewolf, it's free. If you're a human, it's free. If you're a bloodsucker…piss off…

Embry the Gay has been crying for the past week after someone sabotaged his huge closet of designer turtlenecks and tight leather pants. Considering the fact that recently he was trying to give Immature Seth a lap dance, we kinda have a faint idea on who the culprit was…

Claire Obsessed Quil is currently having a mental breakdown after Quil Obsessed Claire has been kidnapped. The ransom? _Quil, if you make out with me and ask me out for a date, then I'll return the little spoiled brat to you within 24 hours._ The police has yet to come up with any possible suspects.

Kim Obsessed Jared got into a scuffle with the staff at the Indian Curry Place when they said they didn't have bowls and plates in varying shades of blue and white, and was taken to the police station for questioning. Shy Kim had a nervous breakdown after recounting the scene with the cops.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! PMS-y Leah also went to "America's Next Top Model" with Rosalie. Watch the third episode of the show where both of them go into a bitch-fight. It's on YouTube and it has 5,000,000 hits.

_For the Humans_ –

Delusional Mike has be given a restraining order against Bella Swan after Laid Back Charlie finally decided to get his lazy butt off the couch and charge him for sexual assault. Let's just leave it at that.

The Two Bitchy Bimbos a.k.a Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory are on Big Brother now as two of housemates. They had practically slept with every guy there, bitch-slapped every girl, and are now not on talking terms anymore after Jessica voted for Lauren to be off the show.

Due to his intensive treatment with the five year supply of Proactiv, Chess Geek Eric has managed to win the "most good-looking chess champion of the year" award. Well done, Eric. Well done.

Ditzy Renee has mastered the art of origami. It's just a shame that she was suppose to go to the 'Italian Cooking for Beginners' class instead.

Sir Banner the Perv is currently undergoing psychological treatment to cure his, erm…earthly desires. Unfortunately, the course is run by young women in their early twenties. His future looks bleak.

Tyler the Brawny Jock has moved to Los Angeles after realising that he got half the girls and Paedophilic Mrs Cope at Forks High pregnant. He still collects their welfare payments.

Crappy Twilight Mary Sue has just married Collin. Unfortunately for her, she also has to deal with an upcoming personal battle with Aro. What's left of her fans had wished her the best of luck.

Angela the Witch has recently came back home from Hogwarts. However, the Gryffindor House blamed her for coming last in House points after she jinxed a bottle of shampoo and conditioner to follow Professor Snape around until he uses it. Obviously, he was not amused…

Stephenie Meyer is finally getting some shut eye after checking thousands of fan mail that flooded her inbox, her overflowing mailbox full of letters from Twi-Hards/Host fans, phone calls at three in the morning, and random hyper strangers knocking at her door demanding Edward, Jacob or her autograph.

_The Traditional Vampires…_

In celebration of spring, Annoyingly Optimistic Aro had decorated the whole of the Volturi's castle with daisy chains and butterfly cut-outs. However, he steered clear of Demon Child Jane's room after her demonstration of a 'springtime wildfire'. Despite Aro's attempts to liven the whole place up, Dull as Dishwater Marcus and Emotionless Alec are still looking bored as usual after Aro and Heidi gave them a daisy crown, mascara, manis/pedis, and a light green frock.

Cold Hearted Caius is still planning to overthrow his brother, with the help of Stupid Beefy Felix and Stalker Demetri. So far they hadn't come up with a decent plan – Felix wanted to involve explosives, and Demetri was off trying to bring home a playboy bunny for Aro.

Serial Killer James has fled the USA after finding out that Crazy Bitch Victoria has risen from the dead and still nurses a vendetta against him for stealing her 'Fuzzykins'. Along with being wanted for murder there, James is also secretly trying to escape from TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (his stalker) after finding out that she has Victoria's teddy bear. Don't worry; he still updates his YouTube videos regularly.

Obsessive Victoria Disorder Riley is still searching for his "one true love", and kept sending her love letters and flowers. He has not received her reply yet.

* * *

TDIB: So there you have it folks. The Twilight characters' lives in a nutshell. Stay tuned for the Fans' Interview soon, and I wish you a sweet, awesome and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! WOOOOHOOOOO!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- I HAVE SOME PARTY POPPERS OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

TDIB: No, don't do that, don't do- -Is interrupted by a BANG from the popper, with black streamers, fire and smoke coming out of it-

TheImmortalKlutz: -stares at popper- …Ooops…

**Yep, so once again, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I have nothing more to say, so I'll stop rambling on now.**

**Next up: The Last Chapter (aka The Fan Girls' Interviews)**


	40. Chapter 40: The Crazy Fan Girls Part 1

**Yes, after about a month of not updating this story, finally it's here!!! –Wipes sweat off forehead-. Well, I hope you enjoy Part 1 of this last chappie almost as much as the Obama-rama!!! (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! OBAMA!!!)**

**Disclaimer: Honestly, after repeating the same thing about sixty times, you should've gotten the gist by now.**

TDIB: Hello again! Thanks to you loyal viewers for watching and recommending my show –audience cheers-, I would like to dedicate these special interviews to you, and you only. In these interviews, we shall delve deeply into the psyches of two or three of the craziest, most hyper and obsessive Team Edward, Jacob, Seth and Switzerland fans, along with one Team Quil, a couple of Team Jasper/Emmett/Carlisle, and even one Team James!

Audience: -screams and cheers- WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

TDIB: -grins- And as you can see, to save any unnecessary fights, we have separated the rival gangs into four different groups. Team Edward –girls on the left squeal and swoon-, Team Jacob –the fans on the right go hyper-, and Team Switzerlands -one of the inner groups cheers and wave banners- and The Others group.

The Others Group: -screams at the top of their lungs- YAY!!! GO US REJECTS!!!

TDIB: So, without any further ado, please welcome, two of the only millions upon millions of Team Edward girls out there, TeamVampire and TheImmortalKlutz!!!

-The Team Edward Fans scream as the two girls, with their Team Edward shirts, badges and Rob Pattinson masks, run on stage from where they were seating while squealing-

Team Jacob Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

TDIB: (To the TJF) Okay girls, your turn will come. (To the girls on stage) Hey girls! How are you today?

TeamVampire: OME!!! We're on stage!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: YAY!!!

TeamVampire: And Edward Cullen is hot-as!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: AMEN!!! WHO AGREES WITH ME?!

-A few cheers from the middle group-

TEF: -screams- HEAR, HEAR!!!

TJF:-boos- GET OFF THE STAGE!!!

TDIB: -gestures towards the girls to stop- Anyway, so-

TheImmortalKlutz: -checks watch- OME, it's almost twilight!

TeamVampire: My fellow Edwardians, let us pray for the awesome, sexy, Adonis-like Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. –Bows head with the TEF-

TJF: -yawns- Boring…-cough- Edward sucks –cough-…

TEF: -in unison- _Our Edward, Who art in Forks, Hallowed be thy sparkles. Thy Volvo comes, thy will be fast, On Earth as it is in the meadow. Give you this day, our daily blood; Forgive us our heartbeats, As we worship Carlisle for giving you life. Lead us into temptation, Deliver us to you. For thine is the vampire, The music and the hotness, Forever and ever, A-Edward. _–Sighs-.

TJF: -pretends to snore-

Team Switzerland/Other: -polite and tolerant smiles-

TDIB: -grins- Um, thanks for that! Anyway, back to the interview-

TeamVampire: Oh yes! I almost forgot one more thing!

TDIB: -impatiently- Now what?!

TheImmortalKlutz: Although Christmas was a month ago…

TeamVampire: We decided to sing one little carol dedicated to the hot and sexy Edward Cullen.

TDIB: -smiles- Oh…that…-makes way towards the piano-

TheImmortalKlutz: Okay, where's FanpireFrostbite?

FanpireFrostbite: -waves arms frantically- Oooh! I'm here! –Makes way towards the stage-

TeamVampire: Guys, whether you like it or not, we are going to sing an Edward Cullen rendition of the carol "O Come All Ye Faithful".

TheImmortalKlutz: Yeah, this is dedicated to Edward, and it's called 'O Silver Volvo'. All three of us are going to sing the song, with TDIB playing the accompaniment on the piano.

TDIB: -plays introduction on the grand piano on stage-

FanpireFrostbite: -sings- O silver Volvo, thy is fast and stylish, O silver Volvo, thy holds our god. Edward Cullen, thy sparkle in the sun.

All three of them: -in unison- _O come let us adore him, O come let us adore him, O come let us adore him, for Edward is hot._

TeamVampire: -sings- Edward, O Edward, hottest of the hottest, O who cares of the stinking mutts of La Push. Son of Carlisle, saved from influenza.

All three of them: -in unison- _O come let us adore him, O come let us adore him, O come let us adore him, for Edward is hot._

TheImmortalKlutz: -sings- Sing all ye fan girls of the sexy vampire, Sing to his lullabies that came from his heart. Glory to Edward, glory to the Cullens.

All three of them: -in unison- _O come let us adore him, O come let us adore him, O come let us adore him, for Edward is hot._

TEF: -cheers- WOOOOH!!! EDWARD!!!

TJF: -boos- That is the worst carol I've ever heard!!!

TDIB: -walks back to her seat- Girls, shhhh…Anyway, why do you guys love Edward Cullen?

TheImmortalKlutz: Um, hello?! This is Edward we're talking about here!

TeamVampire: Yeah, I mean, with his sheer sexiness, and his gentlemanliness…

FanpireFrostbite: And plus, he sparkles in the sun! I mean, who doesn't want that?!

MRAJ: -calls out from the audience- I DON'T!!!

Naomi Cullen: ME TOO!!

Wishing for a Werewolf: HONESTLY, WHAT KIND OF 'REAL MAN' SPARKLES LIKE HE'S COVERED IN GLITTER?!

TEF: -hisses- Well, can Jacob compose a lullaby that sounds like heaven? Can he?! CAN HE?! I DON'T THINK SO BITCH!

TDIB: People! Leave the bitch fighting until the after party, okay? –Turns back to the three fans- So to you, does he embody the requirements of a perfect boyfriend?

FanpireFrostbite: Of course he does! Unlike that mouth rapist Jacob Black, Edward actually _respects_ boundaries, am I right fans?

TEF: -shouts- HELL YEAH!!!

TJF: BOOOO!!!

TDIB: GIRLS! –Turns back to the interviewees- Do continue.

TeamVampire: Plus, he's a good kisser, has perfect abs, and does not think about sex when he's around Bella.

TheImmortalKlutz: And he keeps her safe!

TDIB: -grins- Okay now. So, since this interview is about you fan girls, I think it's only fair, for you Edwardians at least, that we bring out the one and only EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN!!!

-The Team Edwards go wild as a semi-naked Edward walks on stage while waving-

Naomi Cullen: -boos- GET OFF THE STAGE BLOODSUCKER!!!

Wishing for a Werewolf: -screams- WE WANT JACOB!!!

TDIB: Girls! Your turn will come!!! (To Edward) Hey Edward! I'm glad you could come!

Edward: -smiles crookedly- Me too, me too…

TeamVampire: -gasps- OME!!! YES!!! –Runs up to Edward and kisses his cheek-

TheImmortalKlutz/FanpireFrostbite: Hey! Stop hogging Edward! –Wraps arms around him and rubs head against his chest-

TEF: -suddenly runs on stage- Edward!!! EDWARD!!! MARRY ME EDWARD!!! PLEASE?!

Edward: Girls! I'm already married and I do not intend to divorce Bella!!

FanpireFrostbite: Please? At least, for me?

Edward: -polite smile- Sorry…

MRAJ: -clambers on the stage- EDWARD, YOU STUPID GAY BLOODSUCKER!!! –Runs up to him and kicks him in the balls-

TEF: -gasps- You did not just do THAT!!!

TJF: -cheers- WOOOOOHOOOO!!!!

MRAJ: -clutches foot- OWWW!!! WHY IS YOUR THING SO HARD?! Hang on…wait…

Everyone else: -trying to repress their giggles-

MRAJ: -blushing- Um…can I take that back?

TDIB: -trying not to laugh- Yes, yes you may…

TheImmortalKlutz: (To MRAJ) Is it really like…that?

MRAJ: -nods, before stumbling back to her seat-

FanpireFrostbite: -grins- Wow…it's like that 24/7, right?

Edward: -awkwardly- Ah…yes?

TDIB: Girls, can we please change the subject?

TeamVampire: Okay then. –Kneels in front of Edward- Edward Anthony Masen Cullen? Will you marry me?

TEF: Yeah, will you marry me?!

Edward: Girls, I thought polygamy is illegal here…

FanpireFrostbite: We can always move to the Middle East! I heard it's okay there…

Edward: -smiles- Girls, I already have my other half, so I don't really need another wife…

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- BUT _I_ NEED A HUSBAND!!! OR AT LEAST MY PERFECT BOYFRIEND!!!

TDIB: Er girls, I think it's time for Edward to go now.

FanpireFrostbite: -clings onto Edward's arm- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT EDWARD, NOT EDWARD!!!

TeamVampire: -pleads- PLEASE!!! DON'T LEAVE!!! DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE YOU LEFT BELLA!!!

TDIB: GIRLS!!! GO BACK TO YOUR SEATS!!! Edward will be there at the after party. I promise.

TEF: -sniffs- Okay then. –All of them walk dejectedly off the stage-

TDIB: -grins- Now, do welcome our reps for the millions of Team Jacob girls – MRAJ, Naomi Cullen and Wishing for a Werewolf!!! COME ON DOWN!!!

-The TJF are cheering while the TEF are booing at them-

TDIB: Hey girls! How are you today?

MRAJ: -rubs foot- Painful and awkward…

Wishing for a Werewolf: And I just want to say…EDWARD CULLEN SUCKS!!!

TEF: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

TJF: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT SISTER!!!

TDIB: Er, he can actually hear you, you know…

Naomi Cullen: Even better, because, well, since the bloodsucker fans have their own song, it's only fair that we have ours!

Wishing for a Werewolf: Yeah, this is for our favourite werewolf, and it's called "The Jacob Black Song".

MRAJ: It will be sung to the tune of "William Tell Overture", and all three of us are going to sing it.

TDIB: -presses the Play button on a CD player-

MRAJ: -sings- Jacob Black, Jacob Black, yes he is back. Watch out now, Edward fans, yes he is back. Jake's hot, Ed's not, yes that's a fact. 'Cause Jake's the hottest of the pack!

Naomi Cullen: -sings- With his abs and his face and his smexy voice, Edward fans, you're sure that's the right choice? Jacob's here, oh my God, let's all rejoice! Let's cheer for Jacob's sexy voice!

Wishing for a Werewolf: -sings- What sort of man has rainbow skin that sparkles and glitters in the sun? Only drop-dead gay vampires will like it, please do pardon my awful pun. Why would you want a boyfriend who could not kiss without biting you? Why would you not want a werewolf who will stick to you like glue?

MRAJ: -silently whispers- Jacob Black is back, the hottest of the pack. Jacob Black is back, the hottest of the pack.

Naomi Cullen: -sings- Eddie-puss, Eddie-puss, don't say that name. Eddie-puss, Eddie-puss, is he even sane? Jacob Black, Jacob Black, let us all proclaim. 'Cause Jakie-poo is here today.

Wishing for a Werewolf: -sings- Everyone knows that Jake shouldn't love that spawn, that ruined the plot of Breaking Dawn. Jacob Black, Jacob Black, yes we all adore, the way he makes us want him more!

All three of them: -together- JACOB!!!

TJF: -screams- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! THAT WAS AWESOME!!!

TeamVampire: You've taken a great piece of music, and you turned it into a dicky song! How could you?!

TDIB: (to the Jacob fans) Thank you! Do take a seat!!

Naomi Cullen: Oh, and before I forget, we love Jacob so much, -all three of them takes off their jackets to reveal their Team Jacob shirts- that we spent two days actually making the shirts!

FanpireFrostbite: -shouts- WHAT A FUGLY SHIRT!!!

TDIB: Okay girls. Why do you love Jacob Black?

MRAJ: Um, besides the fact that he has perfect abs, a literally smoking hot face, a sweet personality and is the sexiest of the werewolves?

TDIB: Er, yeah…besides…them…

Wishing for a Werewolf: Well, as he demonstrated in Eclipse, he can come in very handy on a cold winter's night…

Naomi Cullen: Yeah, and it's like owning a really humongous puppy dog that morphs into a super hot Indian guy.

Kythi Ravenswing: -calls out- JUST LIKE QUIL!!!

La tua Cantante101: AND SETH!!!

TDIB: Girls! You're turn will come! (To the Jacobs) So what is it about Edward Cullen that you hate?

Wishing for a Werewolf: He sparkles in the sun! Honestly! SPARKLES?!

MRAJ: Yeah, and he ditched Bella in New Moon! How do you know he won't do the same thing again?!

TeamVampire: -calls out- BECAUSE HE PROMISED BELLA HE WON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN! IT WAS FOR HER OWN GOOD!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: YEAH!!!

TDIB: GIRLS!!! –Turns back to the Jacob fans- So, to you, does Jacob embody the qualities of a perfect boyfriend?

FanpireFrostbite: NO!!!

TDIB: (to FanpireFrostbite) I DON'T MEAN YOU!!! –Turns back- Does he?

Naomi Cullen: Hell yeah!!! I mean, he's strong, sweet, and hot! What more do you want?

TheImmortalKlutz: Er, maybe he should be more considerate of other people's feelings?!

TDIB: -ignores TheImmortalKlutz- Anything else?

Wishing for a Werewolf: -sighs- His husky voice is like chocolate to ears, AM I RIGHT GUYS?!

TJF: HELL YES!!!

TEF: GET OFF THE STAGE!!!

TDIB: Okay, so-

MRAJ: -cuts in- Do we get Jacob?

TDIB: Um, I _was_ about to introduce him on stage, but JACOB?! COME ON DOWN!!!

TJF: -screams- OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!

TEF: Oh shit…

-The TJF goes wild as Jacob comes on without a shirt-

Naomi Cullen: -squeals- Oh my Jacob, it's JACOB!!! –All of the Jacob fans run up on stage to hug/kiss/stroke/mentally scar him-

Jacob: -grins- Hey girls!

Wishing for a Werewolf: -gasps- He speaks!!! Oh speak again, thy smexy werewolf!!!

Jacob: -looks confused- Er…Hi?

MRAJ: JACOB!! –Leaps onto him and pashes him-

FanpireFrostbite: Wait…Since Jacob turns into a werewolf, therefore, he licks his butt!!

TeamVampire: -grimaces- Ewww! You kissed a butt-licker!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- ALL YE JACOB HATERS!!! –Raises up her Evil Baseball Bat of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM- GET OUT YOUR WEAPONS AND ATTACK!!!

FanpireFrostbite: -takes out crowbar- WOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! THIS IS FOR KICKING EDWARD IN THE GOOLIES!!! –Marches with the other Edward fans towards the stage-

TDIB: Girls! GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS!!!

TEF: But…but…MRAJ kicked Edward…

TDIB: I don't care! Get back to your seats!

-All the Edward fans ignore TDIB and start trying to get through the masses of obsessive fan girls to Jacob-

MRAJ: -shouts- Everyone protect the awesome Jacob!!!

TJF: YEAH!!! –Starts targeting the Team Edwards-

TheImmortalKlutz: -holds up a couple of boxes of beer bottles- Let's see you go up against EVIL BUTTERBEERS OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! –Pours it on the Team Jacobs-

TJF: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! -Suddenly starts drinking butterbeer and is momentarily distracted-

TeamVampire: -cackles- Haha, sweet! –Dodges fan girls and runs up to Jacob- TAKE THIS, MUTT!!! –Tries to bash the crowbar at Jacob's balls, but the metal broke on impact-

TEF: O.O

TJF: O.O

The Group in the Middle: O.O

TDIB: O.O

Jacob: -after the awkward silence- …Um…ouch?

MRAJ: -squeals- OMJ!!! Jacob's thing is also hard 24/7!!!

Naomi Cullen: Yay!!! –Proceeds to hug Jacob-

TEF: Um…we'll…just…go…now…-Hurries off the stage-

TDIB: Ah, girls?

-The TJF ignores her-

TDIB: Girls, I think we should let Jacob go no-

Wishing for a Werewolf: -shouts- NEVER!!! –Clings onto him tighter-

TDIB: You'll see him at the after party, so do let him go.

Naomi Cullen: -screams- WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?!

MRAJ: -sniffs- FINE! But if I don't see him later, you'll never see the light of day…

TDIB: Yeah, yeah, whatever… -After Jacob walks off and the girls go back to their seats- So our next group of fan girls has resisted any biased and chose to love both Edward and Jacob equal-

ThisIsMyDisguise: -interrupts TDIB- Screw the intro!!! Let's just go down now guys! –Makes her way down with two other girls-

TDIB: Um, yeah…Please welcome The Team Switzerlands – ThisIsMyDisguise, cullencutie08 and secilmis yazar!!!

-The Team Switzerlands cheer as the three girls walk on stage-

TDIB: -smiles- Hiya all! How are you today?

secilmis yazar: Great! –Mutters- Although we _were_ buckled to our seats when Edward AND Jacob came out…

TDIB: Don't worry, the Team Edward and Jacob girls are now restrained in their seats…

FanpireFrostbite: -tries to yank the metal away- HEY!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

MRAJ: -attempts to pull herself out- ARGH!!! I'm stuck!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -mutters- Damn…I forgot my Evil Metal Cutter of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM…

TDIB: Sorry girls, I really have to…

cullencutie08: -jumps and claps- Oooh, can we do our story thingie?

ThisIsMyDisguise: Yeah, can we? Considering the fact that both Team Edward and Jacob had their own, we might as well have our fanfiction that is unbiased and neutral.

secilmis yazar: Like Switzerland!!! RIGHT, TEAM SWITZERLAND?!

-The TS are cheering and squealing, while the rest of the audience are giving them WTF looks-

TDIB: -smiles- Well, take it away then! –Walks off towards the far right hand side of the stage-

cullencutie08: -opens up book- _It was another rainy day, well duh, this was Forks, Washington, after all. And rainy days are the best days, usually. Not today, though. I was driving through the pouring rain, all the way down to La Push. "This is totally ridiculous," I thought sourly. There was no exact reason I was doing this, just the fact that Edward and I got in a fight. I know, Edward and I in a fight, the truth hurts. I rolled my eyes and thought back to how this perfectly good day, could get so screwed up._ –Closes book-

It was a simple plan. I didn't need anyone's help. No one's. And boy did I have fun planning it. And even better, Alice couldn't see me, she was watching Victoria, as always. I had gone to Seattle with Angela the precious weekend, and picked out my outfit. Angela was a little iffy on it, but I thought it was perfect. My plan was all planned out. And, I was driving over, when I got the phone call from Alice.  
"The outfit's cute," she had stated to begin with.  
"Thank-you," I responded.  
"It all black, after that, though," she sighed.  
"Huh," I answered lamely.  
"Bella, that's bad," she sounded upset.  
"Uh-huh," I mumbled.  
"Bella!" she shouted.  
"What, Alice... everything is going to be fine! So chill out. I'll be with Edward." I stated.  
"Fine." She shrugged it off. And with that, our conversation was over.  
I parked in their driveway, and strutted in. My mini skirt was bouncing up and down and my high heels were clicking on the pavement. Edward was waiting for me at the front door of his house.  
"Bella-," he began scrutinizing my mini skirt, tank top, and high heels.  
"No, Edward, listen to me, for once. Please?" I begged. He rolled his eyes, and motioned me on. I glided past him and put my Fergie disk, into his CD player. Skipping to #4, I got in position for my dance.  
When the song and routine were over, I, with my back to Edward, slowly turned around.  
"Tada?" I asked.  
"Bella, what the hell are you wearing?" he growled. My cheeks flushed, and my first reaction was sadness, but I quickly became angry.  
"I came here, and sang you a song- that I thought described our love. Now if you didn't like it, then say so, but "What the hell are you wearing, is not the exact reaction I was looking for!" I yelled and grabbed my CD before storming out the door. He must have been so shocked at my outburst, for he didn't even begin to chase after me. I huffed as I yanked the car door shut and jammed my keys into the ignition. I was so flustered, my only thought was to drive away, and so I did.

And that brings me to now, driving through the rain, to La Push. "This is ridiculous," I thought again. I looked down at my outfit. It was a miniskirt, high heels, and this tube top thing.. My stomach was even showing. I know it's totally not me, but I thought Edward might like it. But, what would Jacob think? I shook the horrifying thought off, as I parked in front of his house. Before I could even open my door, Jacob was there, opening it for me.  
"Bella!" he grinned, "Whatcha doin' here?" He hugged me tight. A little too tight. Before I even had a chance to answer, he saw what I was wearing.  
"Bells, what the hell are you wearing?" he smirked. I rolled my eyes.  
"It's nothing, Jake," I groaned.  
"Seriously, Bells, did they dress you up like this, cause it's kinda creeping me out," he joked.  
"Erm, no actually," I sighed. "I made a music dance to a song, and dressed up to describe how much I love Edward, but he took it the wrong way, and he didn't like it." I let it all just tumble out. I started to cry, then. I put my head in the hands. Jake came over to me and rubbed my shoulder.  
"It's gonna be all right, Bells. Edward is crazy about you, I think it might be the outfit, though." Jake grimaced.  
"I know it's the outfit." I frowned, too.  
"Will you show me the dance?" Jacob asked.  
"No," I squealed.  
"Please?," he gave me his puppy wolf eyes.  
"I guess," I sighed. "Do you have a CD player?"  
"Ya." He ran to get it.  
I got in position to dance, and he brought in the music player.  
"Number 4," I called over my shoulder. The music started and I began my routine. Swaying in time with the music, I concentrated on every movement, on every breath, and I danced.

[B-Section:]  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh baby)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh baby)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh baby)  
Can't help it

[Verse:]  
First time, that I saw your eyes  
Boy, you looked right through me, m m  
Played it cool, but I knew you knew  
That cupid hit me, m m

[Chorus:]  
You got me trippin' (oh), stumblin' (oh)  
Flippin' (oh), fumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
You got me slippin' (oh), tumblin' (oh)  
Sinkin' (oh), crumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
So in love with you

[B-Section:]  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh baby)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh no)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (no how)  
Can't help it

[Verse 2:]  
Can't breathe, when you touch my sleeve  
Butterflies so crazy, m m  
Whoa now? Think I'm goin' down  
Friends don't know what's with me  
M m

[Chorus:]  
You got me trippin' (oh), stumblin'  
(Oh), flippin'(Oh), fumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
You got me slippin' (oh), tumblin' (oh)  
Sinkin' (oh), crumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
So in love wit h you

[B-Section:]  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh no)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh please)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh no)  
Can't help it

[Bridge:]  
You know this ain't the first time this has happened to me  
This love sick thing  
I like serious relationships and uh  
A girl like me don't stay single for long  
'Cuz every time a boyfriend and I break-up  
My world is crushed and I'm all alone,  
The love bug comes right back up and bites me  
And I'm back

[B-Section:]  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (in love)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (oh god)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (I'm back in love)  
Can't help it  
Who hoo hoo  
Can't help it  
GirL can't help it (I'm back in love, yeah)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (I'm back in love, yea h baby)  
Can't help it  
Girl can't help it (I'm back in love, yeah)  
Can't help it (I know you got me)

[Chorus:]  
You got me trippin' (oh), stumblin' (oh)  
Flippin' (oh), fumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love  
You got me slippin' (oh), tumblin' (oh)  
Sinkin' (oh), crumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
So in love with you  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
You got me slippin' (oh), tumblin' (oh)  
Sinkin' (oh), crumblin' (so)  
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' in love (in love)  
So in love with you  
So in love with you  
So in love with you

Swaying in time with the music, I concentrated on every movement, on every breath, and I danced. When it was over, I looked back at Jacob. His mouth was hanging open, and his eyes were wide.  
"What?" I asked.  
"Wow," he said stupidly. "You said you couldn't dance." he said confused. I shrugged.  
"Was it okay?" I asked.  
"Okay? It was amazing. I can't believe that Edward didn't like that." He shook his head. Then, as if on perfect timing, Alice called.  
"Bella!" I heard from the other side of the phone. "You're future's black! Has something happened? Are you all right? Where are you? Do you need me to get you? Do you know how worried I am?"  
"Alice." I began. "Here are your answers, I know, no, yes, no, and a lot. Happy?" I smiled..  
"Not really," Alice responded. "Come home, immediately," she ordered. "And have Jacob come with you." she concluded.  
"Yes, Alice." I sighed and hung up.  
"Why does she want me," Jacob asked.  
"I have no idea," I responded.

The drive to Edward's was long. Very long. And quiet. We arrived though, finally. I stepped out of my truck and Jacob followed me to the door. Edward was leaning against it casually.  
"Have a nice day, Bella?" he snarled. I jumped at his tone.  
"Yes I did!" I snapped back. Edward's face snapped to Jacob so fast, I missed it. Edward made a noise in the back of his throat and Jacob started to back away.  
"I'm so sorry," Jacob breathed.  
"You. Should. Be." Edward said through clenched teeth.  
"No really," Jacob said softly. "I heard what happened and what I did was wrong, but it was a cute outfit." Then, I realized what was going on. Jacob had been thinking about me dancing for him and Edward heard.  
"Oh, no, no, no," I mumbled through my hands. They both looked over at me. "This is all wrong! I don't want to make a choice. I'm not ready! I just want to be loved. But, I think I'm in love." I mumbled that last part, tears streaming down my face. My face was being lifted until I was looking into black eyes.  
"We don't want you to make a choice, but it's not up to us to make it. For right now, enjoy life. Don't be worried about us. We're fair competition. May the best man win. And, Bella-" Edward added. "I know I'm falling in love."

THE END

TheImmortalKlutz: -sniffs- Awww…that's so sweet…

Naomi Cullen: -sighs- I feel like crying now! Why?! WHY?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -mutters- That would've been better if it had James in it…

TDIB: -smiles- Thank you girls! Maybe you should post it up on the Internet…

Audience: -cheers- YEAH! That would be AWESOME!!!

TDIB: Now, why are you determined to love both Edward and Jacob equally?

ThisIsMyDisguise: Well, believe it or not, both are NOT perfect, and each of them has their faults, despite their God-like sexiness or abs that started global warming. They're good-looking in their own way, and they have really desirable personality traits, but they're not perfect.

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- WHAT?! EDWARD _IS_ PERFECT!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

MRAJ: -screeches- Are you kidding me?! Edward is anything _but_ perfect!!! HE LEFT BELLA IN NEW MOON!!! –Calms down- Jacob, on the other hand…

TeamVampire: JACOB IS NOT PERFECT!!! HE THREATENED TO KILL HIMSELF IF BELLA DOESN'T KISS HIM!!!

FanpireFrostbite: Yeah! I mean, how low is that?! If Jacob loved Bella, he would've respected her feelings, but _noooooooooo_, that stupid mutt just had to make her all guilty…

TDIB: -in a commanding voice- PEOPLE!!! Calm down please!!! –Turns back to the Team Switzerlands- Anyway, what do you love about both Edward and Jacob?

ThisIsMyDisguise: I love Edward not only because of the fact that his is gorgeously cute and sexy, but also because he is devoted to Bella, and who wouldn't want that?

TEF: -sighs- Awww…

TJF: -wrinkles up nose- Ewww…

secilmis yazar: -hurriedly- But Jacob's great too! I mean, he's willing to do anything and everything for Bella, and coupled with the fact that he's also a loving and caring sweet guy who just so happens to be a hot werewolf…

TJF: -grins smugly-

TEF: -coughs and shudders-

TDIB: -smiles- Okay then. Since you guys haven't had the chance to see and touch Edward Jacob-

cullencutie08: -excitedly- Oooh, can we see them? Pleeeeease?!

TDIB: Um, I was about to say yes, so EDWARD? JACOB? COME ON DOWN!!! –Mutters- Again…

-The TS run on stage as Edward and Jacob comes on shirtless-

FanpireFrostbite: -tries to break through their metal restraints on their seats- GAH!! I WANT MY EDWARD!!!

Wishing for a Werewolf: -moans- My Jacob…MY JACOB!!! –Starts attempting to bite through the belt but fails-

All the TS: -squealing- EDWARD!!! JACOB!!! I'M IN HEAVEN!!! –Proceeds to hug Edward/Jacob-

TeamVampire: -yells- I HATE YOU!!!

MRAJ: ME TOO!!!

TDIB: (to MRAJ) HEY!!! You get to see Jacob! Twice!!! What do you have to complain?!

TheImmortalKlutz: I have a freaking belt pushing me back to my seat when a short distance away, thy sexy shirtless Edward has girls rubbing their heads across his chest!

TDIB: -sighs- Appreciate the fact that you already HAD rubbed your head against Edward's chest, okay? I mean, there are millions of African teenage girls out there who never even _seen_ Edward or Jacob, and you're still complaining?! Jesus…

cullencutie08: -strokes Edward's stomach- Ahhh…You got nice sexy abs…-Runs over to Jacob and feels his six-pack- And so do you…-swoons-

ThisIsMyDisguise: -happily- And you're both hard 24/7…that's even better…

Jacob: …

Edward: …

The Audience: …

TDIB: …

ThisIsMyDisguise: -looks around- What?

TDIB: -awkward cough- Anyway, I think it's time for both Edward and Jacob to go now…

secilmis yazar: -clings tighter to Edward- NO!!! How come the others get more time than we do?!

cullencutie08: Yeah! That is like…DISCRIMINATION!!! Against different Teams!!!

TDIB: -holds up hands- Okay, okay, you can have them for a little longer...-sigh-...

TheImmortalKlutz: -protests- HEY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU LET US HAVE EDWARD A LITTLE LONGER?!

Wishing for a Werewolf: YEAH?!

TDIB: Because you guys only have one love! These guys have two!!!

TeamVampire: -mutters inaudibly-

TDIB: (to the Team Switzerlands) Okay, you're going to see both of them at the after party, so get back to your seats!!!

ThisIsMyDisguise: -sniffs- I thought this is for the fan girls! Why don't you allow us to stay with these hotties for the rest of the show?!

TEF/TJF: YEAH!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: -stands up- On behalf of the other Team members and myself, we want you guys to restrain yourselves until the after party to mentally scar your loves, because the others who want James, the other Cullens and Quil would see their loves earlier. Thank you. –Sits back down-

TDIB: Thank you Kythi! For once, you actually said something sane…

Kythi Ravenswing: -huge smile- You're welcome! And may your stink bomb-filled ice cream sundae find its way to Hannah Montana's stomach! –Bows-

Everyone in the Audience: -cheers- DEATH TO HANNAH MONTANA!!!

TDIB: -smiles- Okay, I was kinda hoping that that sanity would last longer…-Turns back to the TS- Girls, seriously, you have to get off now! You had enough time already!!!

secilmis yazar: -sighs- Fine then! –Trudges dejectedly off stage towards their seats-

_To be Continued…_

**So…Hit or Miss?**

**I should warn you now - it's probably going to be a long time before I post up Part 2 of this interview, due to my procrasination and my other fanfic "Plotline Parodies", so sorry!**

**On another note...HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!! **

**Next up: Team Jasper, Team Emmett and Team Carlisle!**


	41. Chapter 41: The Crazy Fan Girls Part 2

**Hey hey! Yes, after about a month of gathering dust, this story's back!!! Thanks oh-so-patiently for this, and I hope that month long wait is worth it…If not, feel free to flame me, 'cause it's 'bout time that I get a flame anyway :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't think Stephenie Meyer gets as much homework as I do…**

TDIB: Okay then, the two fan girls up next love the Southern gentleman vampire that we all know as Jasper Hale. Please welcome the Team Jasper – RainyxDays and Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen!!!

-A couple of fans in the middle group cheer as the two girls make their way up the stage while wearing a Confederate-style uniform and gold contacts-

TDIB: Hiya girls!!! How are you today?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen (formerly known as Number-1-JASPER-fangirl): It's as awesome as Jasper's wind-blown, messy but oh-so-hot hair…-sigh-

RainyxDays: -swoons- Oh don't you just want to run your hand through it…

Team Jasper Hale Fans: -squeals in agreement- Ahhh…Jazz's hair…ahhh…

TDIB: -coughs- Right then…Why do you like Jasper, of all people?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Woah, woah, woah, woah…We don't _like_ Jasper – We _love_ Jasper! Got it? Good!

RainyxDays: -mutters- Jesus…Get your facts right next time…

TDIB: -raises hands- Okay, okay, let me rephrase that – Why do you _love_ Jasper?

RainyxDays: Well, we'll tell you when you let Jasper come out.

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: WITHOUT Alice!

TDIB: Dude, I'm the host, guys!

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Yeah, but we'll need Jasper in order to answer that question properly.

RainyxDays: Wait…-narrows eyes- Is Jasper _even_ coming on stage?

TDIB: That's for me to know and for you to find o-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -interrupts TDIB by grabbing her collar- _Is_ Jasper coming today?

TDIB: -screams- YES HE WILL COME SO THAT YOU'LL ASSAULT HIM PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!! –Pants-

RainyxDays: -grins- Excellent…Then we'll answer the question later.

TDIB: -sigh- Fine then. For you, why did you not join the majority of the fans and obsess over Edward or Jacob?

TEF/TJF: -shouts- YEAH? WHY?!

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Hey! We can explain!!! Um, well, to us, Edward's a bit to angsty, a bit girly and a bit overprotective-

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- THAT'S BECAUSE EDWARD DOESN'T WANT TO HURT BELLA!!!

Wishing for a Werewolf: -sarcastically- Yes, leaving Bella was the best thing that ever happened to her…

TEF: -hisses-

TDIB: Everyone, calm down! –Turns back to the Jasper fan girls- Do go on.

RainyxDays: Jacob, on the other hand, was a bit too, um…_assertive_, especially when he threatened to suicide if Bella didn't kiss him.

TeamVampire: -mutters- If only he did commit suicide…

FanpireFrostbite: Yeah…Either that or one of us La Pushing him off a cliff…

TJF: -growls-

TDIB: Um, right-o then…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Do we get our God, in other words, Jasper now?

TDIB: -sighs- Fine…JASPER HALE!!! COME ON DOWN!!!

-The girls scream and swoon as Jasper saunters on stage without a shirt-

TDIB: Heya Jasper! What's up?

Jasper: -in a Southern accent- Nothing much, just chilling…

Team Jasper: -squeals- Oh the accent…THE ACCENT!!! –Runs towards Jasper and start attempting to make out with him-

Jasper: -tries to fight off a Team Jasper who was trying to depant him- Does this always happen to the other guests?

TDIB: Um…yeah…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -rubs head on his arm- Ah…I love you and your sexiness, Jazzy-poo…-Runs hand across his marble chest-

Jasper: …

RainyxDays: -kisses his cheek- I love you Jasper…You do know that, don't you?

Jasper: Um…Yes, I think I could tell…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Yeah, do you know how much? –Goes down to one knee and takes out a jewellery box- Jasper Hale, will you marry me?

Team Jasper: -squeals- YEAH! WILL YOU MARRY ME?

TDIB: Woah, woah WOAH!!!

Jasper: Dude…

TDIB: -coughs- Um, sorry to interrupt this very, erm, _intimate_ moment, but could all the Jasper fan girls please go off the stage for a couple of minutes while your representatives perform their piece in dedication to your Twilight? Afterwards, you could resume doing whatever the Hale you want with him…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -sounds excited- Really? _Anything_ I want?

Jasper: -shudders- Oh God, the lust…The sickening lust…

Team Jasper: -blushes a bit-

TDIB: -coughs- Um, anyway…Can all of you guys please get off the stage for just a few more minutes?

Team Jasper: -grumbles- Fine…-Trudges off towards their seats-

TDIB: -to the Team Jasper Reps- So, you got anything to show us about Jasper's apparent hotness?

RainyxDays: -smiles- Yep! –Takes out a long piece of paper- Both of us came up with this long list of reasons on why we love our J-God, or Jesus, depending on our mood.

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Uh huh, and our dear Jasper –gestures to the vampire- will demonstrate each and every one of our points.

Jasper: -looks confused- Er…what?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -whispers- Just improvise on the points…

Jasper: What?!

RainyxDays: -soothingly- Don't worry, you'll be fine…We even got Bella and Jacob here for you!

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Yeah, so COME ON DOWN BELLA SWAN/CULLEN AND JACOB –twitches- BLACK!!! –Twitches-

-The Audience are either cheering, booing or clapping-

TheImmortalKlutz: -shouts- GET OFF THE STAGE, MUTT-BOY!!! –Throws Evil Chew Toy of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM at Jacob, but misses-

FanpireFrostbite: -calls out- BELLA? CAN I HAVE EDWARD FOR ONE DAY?

Bella: NO!!!

TEF: Drats…

TDIB: Um, everyone? Can we please move on? I really want to see this, and I think you guys want to as well, right?

TeamVampire: -mutters- Not with that flea-bag on stage…

TDIB: -ignores TeamVampire- Well, guys, take it away then!

RainyxDays: Jasper, Jasper, Jasper…Why do we love him?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Hmmm…Good question…Maybe because he has an original and cool name…

Jasper: -ponders- Hmmm…Jasper Hale…Jasper Whitlock Hale…Jasper Whitlock Cullen Hale…I like it!

RainyxDays: Or maybe because he's not afraid to scare Bella…

Jasper: -creeps up to Bella-

Bella: -daydreams-

Jasper: -taps shoulder- BOO!

Bella: -screams- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Faints-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Um, probably it's the fact that he's the weakest link, so your heart goes out to him…

Jasper: -adopts puppy-dog look-

Audience: Awww…

Bella: -smiles- Don't you just want to take him home?

Team Jasper: -in unison- HALE YEAH!!!

RainyxDays: Well, he _does_ have a drool-worthy Southern twang…

Jasper: -in a slight Southern accent- Hey ya'll, I'm Jasper Hale, and I'm originally from Texas, ya'll hear?

Team Jaspers: -drools- Ah…MARRY ME, JASPER!!! MARRY ME!!!

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: But you got to admit, he's tough…

Jasper: -proceeds to show off his toughness on the furniture-

TDIB: -inspects wreckage- You better give me compensation for that.

Jasper: Yeah yeah…

RainyxDays: Um, well he did teach the vampires and werewolves to fight newborns…

Jasper: Take that, evil demon bitch!!! -Demonstrates his fighting skills on a dummy of a week-old baby-

Bella: -whispers in his ear- Erm, wrong newborn…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: AND he's also protective of Alice…Wait, we shouldn't really put that in…

Jasper: Of course you should put that in! Alice is the meaning of my life!!!

Team Jasper: -sniffs- Not…me…?

Jasper: Um…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: And you just can't forget about his talent – controlling emotions…

Jasper: -smiles-

cullencutie08: -starts acting all hyper- LALALALALAAAAAAAAA!!! WOOOOOOT!!! MY LIFE IS AWESOME!!! –Suddenly becomes sad- WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK?! I'M SO EMO!!! WHERE'S THE NEAREST KNIFE?! –Immediately slumps into her seat and starts snoring-

Audience: o_O

secilmis yazar: -pokes her- Wake up, dude…wake up…

cullencutie08: -looks dazed- Wow…I had this weird dream…-Points to secilmis yazar- You were there…-looks at ThisIsMyDisguise- And you were there…-sees Jasper- And you were there…

RainyxDays: He's also a blonde, and they have more fun…

Jasper: Hey!!!

RainyxDays: It's a good thing!

Jacob: -rolls eyes- They're also pretty ditzy as well…Wanna hear a blonde joke?

TEF: NO!

TJF: YES!

Everyone else: I honestly don't care…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: He's the fascinating, mysterious type. I mean, what girl doesn't want that?

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- Edward's also fascinating and mysterious, am I right?

TEF: AMEN!!!

TJF/Team Jasper: -hisses-

RainyxDays: Well, you can't ignore the fact that he looks like a movie star…

Jasper: -takes out sunglasses and strikes a pose while running his hand through his wind-blown hair-

Team Jasper: -swoons and sighs-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: AND he can attack Bella and still be cute…

Jasper: -sounds livid- We are NOT doing that!

TEF: -begs- Please do! We want Edward!!!

Bella: Touch him, and I'll kill you…

TEF: -mutters- Too late…

RainyxDays: Ooh, and he winks!

Jasper: …

Bella/Jacob: …

Audience: …

TDIB: …

-Cricket- -Cricket-

Jasper: …Um…-Deliberate wink-

Team Jasper: -screams- I LOVE YOU!!!

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: And he would not take Edward to a strip club!

Jasper: Well, I was tempted to…

Bella: JASPER!!! –Whacks him on the arm-

Team Jasper: -hisses-

Jasper: Hehe, don't worry, that prude didn't go…

RainyxDays: He could also say "Ma'am" really cutely…

Jasper: -looks confused- Erm…Ma'am?

Team Jasper: -sighs in delight- Say that again, dear Jasper…

Jasper: …Ma'am…

Team Jasper: Again!

Jasper: Ma'am…

Team Jasper: AND AGAIN!!!

Jasper: That's enough now!

Team Jasper: No! One more time!!!

Jasper: -sighs- Fine…Ma'am…

Team Jasper: -explodes with satisfaction-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Then again, he _is_ 6'3. Tall is good!

Jasper/Jacob: -grins smugly at Bella-

Bella: -sighs- Why am I so short…?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: And he and Emmett bet a lot…

Jasper: And I win most of the time as well…It's always good to have a psychic wife…

RainyxDays: He's also battle-scarred…Scars make a man sexy…

Jasper: -flexes his biceps and shows off his scars-

Team Jasper: -faints from pleasure-

RainyxDays: Then again, he _is_ nice to Bella and tells her she's worth it…

Jasper: (to Bella) Because you're worth it. –Dumps L'Oreal cosmetics on her-

Bella: Wha…?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: He's also the best fighter of the group…

Jasper: -hurriedly puts on ninja clothing- Hwai-YA!!! –Proceeds to show off ninja moves-

RainyxDays: And his nickname 'Jazz' is pretty cool…

Jasper: JAZZ HANDS!!! –Does jazz hands, before taking out a saxophone and starts playing a jazz riff-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: He's also one of the few people that could bite me and get away with it!

Team Jasper: YEAH!!! BITE ME JASPER!!! BITE ME!!!!!!!!!

RainyxDays: AND he looks dashing in a tux!

Jasper: -quickly puts on a black tuxedo- Good afternoon, ma'am.

Team Jasper: -fans themselves and hyperventilates-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Plus, he gets depressed and guilty after killing people!

Jasper: -sighs sadly- Don't remind me…

Audience: -starts crying- If only I hadn't killed those hundreds and thousands of people…-Sniffs-

RainyxDays: -smiles- And we got one more surprise for you, Jasper!

Jasper: Oh, and what's that?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: THIS!!! –Papercuts their fingers-

TDIB: -shouts- NO!!!

Bella: -clamps Jasper's hands behind his back-

Jasper: -talks through his teeth- Geez…Wasn't expecting that…

TDIB: (to RainyxDays and Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen) -angrily- What the bloody hell was your problem? Do you want to kill us all?

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Jesus, chillax…it's just a surprise! –Starts sucking their fingers-

Naomi Cullen: Girls, and that's the reason why werewolves are better than bloodsuckers!

TheImmortalKlutz: -screeches- YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!!

TDIB: Everyone! SIT DOWN!!! –Turns back to the reps- Well, thank you for that…erm…interesting display. You may all go back towards your seats, and Jasper will appear at the after-party!

Team Jasper: -protests- I WANT MY JAZZY-POO!!

TDIB: YOU'LL GET YOUR JAZZY-POO!!! In the after-party, so be patient!!!

Team Jasper: -sniffs- FINE!!! You're mean!!! –Stalks off-

TDIB: -smiles- Our next guests today has described themselves as 'die-hard Emmett fan girls'. Please welcome to Team Emmett duo – FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut and jenncrazyy909!!!

-The Audience cheers as the two fan girls run up stage with framed posters of Emmett decorated with love-hearts and teddy bears-

TDIB: Hello! How are you today?

jenncrazyy909: -grins- Like Emmett when he finds a hundred irritable grizzlies after hibernation!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: In other words, awesome!!!

TDIB: That's great! So, why do you love Emmett?

jenncrazyy909: 'Cause he's bringing Sexy back!

-'Sexy Back' suddenly starts playing-

Audience: -giggles-

Camera Crew: -looks red- Um…sorry…-Takes out phone, speaks urgently, before putting it into his pocket-

TDIB: …

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -grins- Good timing!

TDIB: -coughs- Um, right then…Anything else?

jenncrazyy909: Well, he's like a big cuddly muscular teddy bear…with very sharp teeth…

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: Yeah, and who doesn't want a boyfriend who could kill off an irritable grizzly AND still look sexy?

TeamVampire: Dude, Edward can do that too…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: And Jasper…

jenncrazyy909: Hey! It's more than the wolf girls can say…

TJF: -growls-

TDIB: Okay then…Why did you not choose Edward or Jacob? Or any other male character, for that matter?

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: Pretty much the same reason as the Team Jasper, except that Emmett, despite any types of problems encountered by the Cullens, can still see the funny side of things.

jenncrazyy909: Plus, he doesn't need steroids to look all beefy!

MRAJ: -calls out- ALL BRAWN AND NO BRAIN!!!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -hisses- You did not just say that, BIATCH!

MRAJ: Er, yeah, I did say that…ALL BRAWN AND NO BRAIN!!!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: Gah! –Tries to attack, but is restrained by the camera crew and the ninjas-

jenncrazyy909: Team Emmett! Defend your favourite vampire!

TDIB: No! LATER!!!

Team Emmett: -robotically- Must…Destroy…Mutt-lovers…-Moves towards them-

TDIB: -looks desperate- Um…um…EMMETT!!! COME ON DOWN!!!

-The Audience pauses as Emmett comes on stage shirtless-

TDIB: -relieved smile- Here's the one and only Emmett Cullen!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -squeals- EMMETT!!!

jenncrazyy909: MY LOVE!!!

Team Emmett: -screams- I LOVE YOU!!! –Immediately runs on stage and assaults Emmett-

Emmett: -grins- Heya all! –Looks around at the mass of hyper fan girls- Wow…I don't need Jasper's talent to feel the LURVE!!!

Team Emmett: AMEN TO THAT!!!

TJF: -gags-

jenncrazyy909: -strokes muscular arms- Ah…so…sexy…-Drools-

Team Emmett: -looks dazed- Is it Christmas already? 'Cause this is the best prezzie that Santa had given me…

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: That one whole year of being a nice girl has paid off…-Breathes a sigh of relief- Now let's go back to being crazy for another whole year…-Kisses Emmett's cheek-

TDIB: -points at a fan girl attempting to rape him- Um, doesn't Rosalie mind this?

Emmett: -smiles- Well, she kinda knows that she's more beautiful than these girls…

Team Emmett: But at least I'm not as bitchy or as selfish as Rosalie!!!

Emmett: Girls, I know, but Rose can be sweet sometimes…

jenncrazyy909: -sarcastically- Now why do I find that hard to believe…Oh yes, because Rose didn't care about Bella when she was preggo with Nessie! She just wanted the baby!

TDIB: Girls! Don't spoil it! Just enjoy your time with Emmett!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -sighs- If only it was only me and Emmett…locked in a closet…

TDIB: -glares- If you're thinking what I think you were thinking, then don't say it out loud…

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -mutters- Drats…

TDIB: Anyway, don't you have something to present to the audience?

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: OK, so, for my time with Emmett, I've decided that I'll get to ask him four questions! This means that, 1- I get to spend more time with the hunk of sexiness, 2- I get to find out more about him and 3- that I'm awesome for having the best idea!!!

jenncrazyy909: So, if it's all right with you, I present to you, someone who's cuter than Tickle me Elmo, has beaten the Hulk at wrestling and is DEFINITLEY brining Sexy Back… EMMETT CULLEN!!!!

-The Audience cheers, but is cut off when 'Sexy Back' starts playing-

Camera Crew: -takes out phone again- Oh crap…

TDIB: -looks over- Um, maybe you should turn it off…

Camera Crew: -looks sheepish- Sorry…-Turns off phone and pockets it-

Emmett Cullen: Hey! -Screaming girls faint-

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: So Emmett, I'm going to ask you four questions and you have to answer truthfully, ok? Firstly, what were you doing at 3am this morning?

Emmett: Rosalie!

ThisIsMyDisguise: -mutters- I don't even want to know…-Shudder-

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: Have you ever kissed someone and regretted it?

Emmett: Yes! Jasper was sending out waves of lust for God knows what reason, and I happened to be standing too close to Edward and… well, you get the rest.

Wishing for a Werewolf: -grimaces- Ew! Two male bloodsuckers kissing!

MRAJ: Look on the bright side…At least it's legal in California…

TEF/Team Emmett: -growls-

jenncrazyy909: What's your career of choice?

Emmett: For me or someone else?

jenncrazyy909: Either.

Emmett: Pole Dancer's for Rosalie, Alice and Bella, a door to door salesperson for Edward, a psychiatrist for Jasper and a-

Edward: -suddenly barges on stage with Bella- Emmett, you did not just call my wife a pole dancer!

TEF: -swoons- Oh Edward…Edward…

TJF: -vomits-

Emmett: Well, Eddie, you'd have to admit they'd make fine-

Edward: Stop thinking that!

TEF: -giggles- Wow, Edward…You're cute when you're angry…

TJF: -shudders-

Edward: -ignores audience- Anyway, I'm off. Nessie wants alone-time with me…

TEF: -screams- I WANT ALONE TIME WITH YOU!!!

TDIB: Later! At the after-party!

Edward: -mutters- Oh geez…-Runs off stage-

Emmett: All right, all right! And the job for me would be… A children's TV show host! Yeah, I'd like that.

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: And finally…This is a very important question – WILL YOU MARRY ME?????? -Throws herself at Emmet and starts stroking his chest-

Team Emmett: Yeah! WILL YOU MARRY ME?! –Resumes hugging and kissing-

Emmett: -looks at TDIB- Does this happen all the time?

TDIB: -nods- Yep…Especially with Edward.

Emmett: Really?! Someone actually wanted that prude?!

TEF: -shouts- HELL YEAH!!!

TDIB: Okay girls, time's up! You have to leave Emmett now!

Team Emmett: -screeches- WHAT?! Everyone else got more time than us!

TDIB: Not really. –Holds up red hourglass with black sand- You got as much time with Emmett as everyone else, so hurry up before the sand runs out! –Gestures to hourglass-

Team Emmett: -grumbles- Fine, but I better see that God-Awesome Emmett in the after party…-Stalks off stage-

TDIB: -grins- Now, our next guest today loves the one and only Car-Car-…-Mutters- Geez, I could never say his name…

Angel of Apathy: -rolls eyes- All right, all right…-Moves up stage and snatches the mic- TEAM CARLISLE!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

TDIB: Well, there you go! –Breathes sigh of relief-

Angel of Apathy: And I just want to use this opportunity to say – Carlisle? I love you!!!

Team Carlisle: -cheers-

La tua Cantante101: -mutters- Um, I think that's a bit obvious…

TDIB: So, how was your day?

Angel of Apathy: Sweet! I met three hot sexy vampires today, but I have yet to see my Carl-God…

TDIB: Uh, right-o then…So why Carlisle?

Angel of Apathy: Well, hel-lo! He looks like, and I quote "Zeus' younger and better looking brother".

TDIB: Um…That's it?

Angel of Apathy: -snorts- Of course not! Gosh, I'm not that shallow…He's also compassionate, and sweet, and caring. I mean, who doesn't want a boyfriend like that?

TeamVampire: Dude, Edward's like that as well…

Angel of Apathy: Yeah, well, Carlisle more compassionate than Edward, so there!

TDIB: Okay, moving along, what is it about the other characters that made you reject them?

Angel of Apathy: Yeah, pretty much the same reason as the other non-Team Edward/Jacobs…Except that Jacob's just a stupid mutt…

TEF: WOOOOH!!! HELL YEAH!!!

TJF: Must…kill…Must…Kill…

TDIB: Anyway, let us bring out the one, the only – CARLISLE CULLEN!!!

-The Team Carlisle scream as their idol walks on stage in his doctor overcoat on-

Angel of Apathy: Hey…He's supposed to be half-naked…

TDIB: (to Carlisle) Yeah, you're supposed to be half-naked…Why do you have your shirt on?

Carlisle: Um, girls…You sure you want to see me without my shirt on?

Everyone in the Audience: -chants- SHIRT OFF! SHIRT OFF! SHIRT OFF!

Carlisle: -rolls eyes- Fine…-Takes off jacket and shirt-

Angel of Apathy: -fans herself- Ah…The…hotness…Hah…-Suddenly faints-

Carlisle: -looks shocked- Oh my God!

TDIB: -inspects Angel of Apathy- Hmmm…Maybe you should do CPR on her…

Team Carlisle Girls: -suddenly collapses and pass out-

TDIB: …Or not…

Carlisle: Um, I know you guys are faking it. I could tell from your heartbeats…Although it's still dangerously high…

Angel of Apathy: -mutters- Drats…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Right then, don't you have something for Carlisle?

Angel of Apathy: Well, I'm going to impersonate Carlisle Cullen an-

Naomi Cullen: -calls out- BUT YOU'RE A GIRL! The last time I checked, Car-weasel was a guy!

Angel of Apathy: -ignores Naomi Cullen- I'm going to impersonate my hunk of sexiness, 'because hopefully it would add a degree of humour in it. Plus, this _is_ a dedication to Carlisle, so _I_ should do it.

TDIB: Sweet! So what are you going to do?

Angel of Apathy: Well guys, let's take a look inside the life of the God awesome Veggo Vamp, and clear up some stuff. –Clears throat, then speaks in a deeper voice- 'Cause you see…-Puts on white overcoat and types on laptop- I'm Carlisle Cullen, although whether or not Cullen is my real name or not isn't exactly clear. And the reason I'm here? I'm a little fed up of being in the background and basically only being used to fill in the damn back-story. So, I thought I'd write this down to have a little more of some 'screen-time'. Plus this will mean that those 'How well do you know me?' quizzes will finally start getting some good results…

TheImmortalKlutz: -grimaces while ticking on a piece of paper- You ain't kidding…-Burns it with her Evil Cigarette Lighter of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM-

Angel of Apathy: For example, did any of you know that the 'Stregoni Benefici' that Bella found on her internet search was none other than yours truly? Yep, that's more than Edward or Emmett or anyone else has to say. Plus, I am the founder of the concept of vegetarianism for vampires, so there! –Cocks ears to one side- Excuse me a second, I think I can hear Emmett and Jasper trying to kill each other again. –Turns around- Boys! Cut it out!!

RainyxDays: (pretends to be Jasper) –grins- Sorry Carlisle! Hey, what are you doing? –Tries to look over-

Angel of Apathy: -Moves laptop away- Nothing! Go away, Jasper!

RainyxDays: -snatches laptop and runs away- Hah! Carlisle's writing his memoirs or something. Blimey, he rambles, huh?

Angel of Apathy: Jasper! Get off the damn computer!!! I thought you were a gentleman! –Chases 'Jasper'-

RainyxDays: He also gets pretty cross…-Calls out- Only to the ladies! –Runs to the other side of the stage- But, if you want an insight into Carlisle's mind, there's only one person that I can ask to assist in this endeavour.

Angel of Apathy: -growls- Jasper, you dare call Edward…

FanpireFrostbite: (pretends to be Edward) Too late, father dearest, too late. Well, what can I say about Carlisle? Being our father figure, I show him only great respect-

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: (pretends to be Emmett) –rolls eyes- Edward, you are such a girl sometimes…

FanpireFrostbite: Shut up, Emmett! Let's see you contribute to this…

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: Fine then, I will! –Clears throat- Um, I would write a long spiel about Carlisle, but I'm slightly worried that he might be about to escape from Jasper's stranglehold –gestures to 'Carlisle' struggling out of 'Jasper's' tackle-, so I'll keep it short. Carlisle is the reason I'm super strong. That therefore makes him a very cool person. –Flexes muscles-.

Angel of Apathy: -after struggling for a few minutes- Sorry about my crazy family. I love them as if the were my own kids, la-di-dah-di-dah… But they can be quite infuriating sometimes…-Sigh- Remind me not to ever change any more teenage boys into vampires. They're more trouble than they're worth-

FanpireFrostbite: You seriously don't mean that!

Angel of Apathy: -mutters- Oh, for God's sake…So anyways, where was I? Hmmm…Oh, yeah, why I'm writing this…Rats, all those interruptions have interrupted my train of thought…Geez…

ThisIsMyDisguise: (pretends to be Bella) May I cut in?

Angel of Apathy: -smiles- Go ahead, Bella.

ThisIsMyDisguise: Carlisle is the reason the world has Edward. 'Nuff said. –Everyone on stage bows-.

Audience: -cheers- Awww…

TDIB: -grins- That was awesome, guys! Thanks for that!

Angel of Apathy: -beams- You're welcome! –Hugs the real Carlisle-

TDIB: Okay people, do get off stage, including Team Carlisle…

Team Carlisle: -screams- NO!!! PLEASE DON'T!!!

Angel of Apathy: I thought you liked the skit!

TDIB: Yeah, which is why you get extra time with him in the after party! Now hurry up, 'cause I need to interview the rest of the fans!

Team Carlisle:-glares, before stalking off-

TDIB: -mutters- That's easier than I thought…

**Whew, did anyone actually finish this?**

**On another note, to those Aussies who are experiencing the aftermath of the Victorian Bushfires, the Queensland and Northern NSW floods, my heart (and my pocket money) goes out to you guys, knowing that you would rather be drowning in homework than in muddy flood waters, or get Indian burns than third-degree ones. This whole chappie is dedicated to you guys. –Sigh-**

**Next up: Crazy Fangirls Interview Part 3!!! (In other words, Team Seth, Team Quil and Team Mike)**


	42. Chapter 42: The Crazy Fan Girls Part 3

**Heya all! Yes, yes, I haven't updated in like AGES, and you're all sharpening your pitchforks and trying to get my home address, but seriously, I'm overloaded with homework. –Sigh- But the holidays have arrived, and that means MORE UPDATES!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! So enjoy this latest instalment of 'The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show!' while you can, and I promise the next chappies of 'Plotline Parodies' will soon follow afterwards.**

**Disclaimer: About three things I'm absolutely positive of –**

**1) I do not own the God-awesome Twilight.**

**2) I am not the great Stephenie Meyer.**

**3) Edward Cullen is hot. Case closed.**

TDIB: Okay, now we shall take a break from all the vampires-

Team Jacob/Werewolf Fans: -shouts- WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Team Edward/Vampire Fans: -hisses-

TDIB: GIRLS! –Coughs- Well, like I was saying, we shall take a break from the vampires, so please welcome Team Seth – La tua Cantante101 and SparklingTopazEyes!!!

-Most of the audience cheers as the two girls run up on stage with a Team Seth shirt and werewolf masks-

TDIB: -smiles- Hello, hello! How are you today?

La tua Cantante101: Great! (To SparklingTopazEyes) I can't believe we're on stage!!!

SparklingTopazEyes: -squeals- And there's a good possibility we might see our Seth!

La tua Cantante101: YAY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! –Starts dancing around on stage-

TDIB: Um, guys…Believe it or not, we have a couple of interviews to get through, so do you have anything dedicated to Seth?

La tua Cantante101: Hell yeah! What sort of a question is that?!

TDIB: -holds up hands- Okay, okay…Take it away!

SparklingTopazEyes: Um, this is a poem for our one and only Seth, called 'To Seth', and I hope you enjoy it.

La tua Cantante101: -clears throat- Team Jacob, Team Cullen,  
Why must I chose?  
For one to win,  
The other must lose.

SparklingTopazEyes: Sweet lullabies,  
Howls strong enough to defend,  
To one Bella complies,  
Leaving the other to end.

La tua Cantante101: Werewolf or Vampire,  
Are there really two sides?  
My decisions don't transpire,  
On such tainted lies.

SparklingTopazEyes: Two steps toward one,  
Means to take two steps back,  
One dazzles in sun,  
The other runs near head of the pack.

La tua Cantante101: I hope and I worry,  
Though there's nothing to fear,  
Bella's in too much of a hurry,  
For her to think clear.

SparklingTopazEyes: Just when you think,  
You've chosen your side,  
Something makes your heart sink,  
And your thoughts will collide.

La tua Cantante101: One pale as the moon,  
Other shines like the sun,  
Bella does nothing but swoon,  
Their trivial fights are too much fun.

SparklingTopazEyes: Shock and despair,  
Wonder and wait,  
The odds are unfair,  
My thought bubbles deflate.

La tua Cantante101/SparklingTopazEyes: -in unison- Perhaps one day,  
I will choose a side,  
Until I know what to say,  
I'm just along for the ride.

So I get in to fights and with friends, I make up new teams,  
But while some people change and some people stay,  
Forever I'll be with my dear Seth in my dreams,  
Until it is my last dying day.

Naomi Cullen: -sniffs- Awww…that's so sweet…

Kythi Ravenswing: -wipes tears away- It'll be better if it's about Quil…

TDIB: Wow…just…wow…

SparklingTopazEyes: You like it?

TDIB: -nods- Yep, and I don't think I'm the only one that likes it, right guys?

Audience: -cheers in agreement-

TDIB: Anyway, first of all, what makes you love Seth?

SparklingTopazEyes: Um, he's just so sweet and optimistic, it's not too hard to, at the very least, like him.

La tua Cantante101: Plus, he's also a hot, sexy werewolf to boot, so there!

MRAJ: -shouts- Hey! Jacob's a hot sexy werewolf!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: SO IS QUIL!!! WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT ABOUT THEM?

TDIB: Kythi, can't you just appreciate the fact that you're probably one of the very few Team Quil members in the world, so there's less competition?

Kythi Ravenswing: -passionately- It's still competition! Especially against that mini-bitch called Claire…I must destroy her…Like I will destroy Zac Efron…-Twitches-

TDIB: -cocks one eyebrow- Okay then…Getting back to the interview, why did you not fall into either Team Edward or Team Jacob?

TEF/TJF: -in unison- YEAH?!

La tua Cantante101: Well, why should we? I mean, it's not like they're the only two hot characters in the book, right?

Everyone besides TEF/TJF/TS: AMEN!!!

SparklingTopazEyes: Plus, Edward's a bit overprotective, Jacob's pushy, Jasper's kinda emo-ey, Emmett's okay but I don't particularly want him…

La tua Cantante101: Yeah, and James is a bit sadistic, Quil has already imprinted on Claire, and don't make me go on about MIKE!!!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -mutters- Geez, he isn't THAT bad…

TDIB: -nods- Okay then…well, to be honest, I ran out of questions for you, so I'll bring out the one and only SETH CLEARWATER!!!

-The Fans go wild as Seth comes on without a shirt-

La tua Cantante101: -hyperventilates- Oh my God…this must be a really good dream…

SparklingTopazEyes: -squeals- MY SETHY-POO!!

-All the Team Seth girls run up on stage and start hugging/kissing/attempting to assault him-

Seth: -grins- Wow…I didn't know I was _that_ popular…

SparklingTopazEyes: -rolls eyes- Of course you're THAT popular…You're Seth!!! –Runs hands all over his stomach-

La tua Cantante101: -sighs- Heaven…I'm in Heaven…-kisses his chest-

SparklingTopazEyes: Hey…I got an idea…Why don't _we_ see if Seth is hard-

TDIB: -snaps- No, we are _not_ going to do that!

La tua Cantante101: -whines- Awww, but the previous teams got to test it out…

TDIB: Yeah, but I got complaints from random goody-two-shoes people demanding my show to be taken off air unless I either show "more appropriate material" –makes quotation marks-, move the show into a late-night time-slot, or have my rating changed to M.

La tua Cantante101: Then why don't you change the time-slot or the rating then?

TDIB: -glares- Do you know how much paperwork that involves?!

SparklingTopazEyes: Fine, I'll admit, talking about Seth's, um, -deliberate cough- is a bit inappropriate, but what about this? –Gestures to the multiple Seth fans attempting to undo his belt-

TDIB: …

La tua Cantante101: Exactly our point.

TDIB: Um…er…ah… -Clears throat- I think it's time for Seth to go!

Seth Fans: -screeches- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Hugs him tighter- We haven't pull down his pants yet!!!

TDIB: I don't care! You're going to see him in the after party anyway! Do it then!

SparklingTopazEyes: -hugs Seth tighter- No, NO!!! –Quickly pashes Seth-

Audience: -awkward cough-

TDIB: -shielding her eyes- No really, Seth needs to go NOW!!!

La tua Cantante101: -sniffs- Fine! Be that way!!! –Pecks Seth's cheek, before walking off. The rest of the fans follow her, and Seth runs off stage-

TDIB: Excellent. Now, our next guest today needs no introduction. Please welcome our Team Quil representative – Kythi Ravenswing!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: -runs on stage while the audience cheers her on- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

TDIB: Heya! How are you today?

Kythi Ravenswing: -evil eye- Must…Kill…Claire-Bitch…-Twitches-

TDIB: Erm, right then…So, why do you love Quil?

Kythi Ravenswing: The same reason why she –points to TeamVampire- loves Edward!

TeamVampire: -looks sceptical- Ah, because he's a super hot vampire who sparkles in the sun?

Kythi Ravenswing: Um, besides all the crappy vampire bits, yes!

TDIB: -nods- Okay, and why not the other characters? Specifically, Edward and Jacob?

TEF/TJF: YEAH! WHY NOT?!

Kythi Ravenswing: Because neither of them fight in the end!

TDIB: Um, come again?

Kythi Ravenswing: Because Edward's too sissy to actually fight the Volturi in Breaking Dawn! All that tension and suspense leading up to the show-down, and it doesn't _happen_?! I mean, what the fuck?!

FanpireFrostbite: But if there _was_ a fight, Edward could've been killed! And I would be like Bella in New Moon!!

Naomi Cullen: And Jacob might be dead if they did fight!

TJF: -screams- Not Jacob!!! NOT MY SWEETHEART JACOB!!!

TDIB: -sighs- Anyway, you better thank me for this later on. –Smiles- Now, welcome him on stage, the one, the only QUIL!!!

-Quil Senior hobbles on stage. The fangirls go quiet-

Kythi Ravenswing: -screeches- WHAT?!

TDIB: Ahaha, jokes! Okay, bring out the other, sexier Quil!!!

-Quil Junior is reluctantly dragged on stage without a shirt by three ninjas-

Team Quil (only a couple of girls): Oh my werewolf! QUIL!!!

Quil: -pleads- No, NO!!! LET ME GO!!! I NEED MY CLAIRE!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: Psh, who needs Claire when you could have ME!!!

Quil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT YOU AGAIN!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: -evil smile- Yes, me again…-Runs hand on his chest-

Quil: -whimpers- I'm being raped…

RainyxDays: -sceptically- By a girl?

Quil: Hey! I had to sign a contract that said I won't physically or mentally harm anybody…-Sigh-…

TQF: -sighs happily- My Quil…

Kythi Ravenswing: Hmmm…I wonder…Is Quil har-

TDIB: If you're going to say what I think you're going to say…This isn't an M rated show…

Kythi Ravenswing: -pouts- Fine! Jesus…

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Don't you have anything for you Quilly-kins?

Kythi Ravenswing: Of course I do! You didn't honestly think I would miss this opportunity to express my undying love for Quil, did you?

Quil: Oh, so locking me up in your bedroom was a way to show me your "undying love"?!

Kythi Ravenswing: Yes! Now shoosh, sweetie, I've got an awesome poem for you!

Quil: -mutters- Why didn't that restraining order work on me?

Kythi Ravenswing: -clears throat- O my true love, thy name is Quil,  
Um... uh... your name isn't Bill.  
You are the puppy of my delight  
Whose room I sneak into often at night,  
And I know you don't mean to kill me so  
For we are meant to be, this I know.  
And someday I will disembowel Claire,  
And bury my face in your puppy dog hair,  
Before you scratch my face and throw me out the window  
…I can't think of anything to rhyme with window.  
And someday I will hold Renesmee hostage  
And send Jacob a letter in the postage  
Saying I'll give her back if he says where  
My beautiful Quil is, and takes me there.  
O Quil, my love, my one and only,  
Don't leave me standing here and lonely.  
"Restraining order" is only a word  
For you are the canary mine and I am the bird-…Wait, what?  
Canary mine?  
Can you even mine canaries?  
-Shrugs- Oh well, my Quil, I'll love you forever,  
And I'm running out of time, but you'll run away NEVER.  
Mwahahahahaha, my one, my only love,  
Mwahahahahaha, my Quil, my puppy dove. –Sighs-

Audience: -silence-

-Cricket chirps-

TeamVampire: -clap- -clap- -clap-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: Um…That was…erm…Interesting…

TDIB: O-kay then…Great job…

Kythi Ravenswing: -bows- Thank you! Do you like it Quil?

Quil: -looks disturbed- Do you have to add the evil laughs in the end?

Kythi Ravenswing: Yeah! It's my trademark laughter! MwahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! –Cough-

Quil: -whimpers-

TDIB: Okay guys, I think you scarred him enough, and put those back on! –Points to a bunch of Team Quil girls, who successfully pulled down his pants to reveal his boxers-

TQF: -fans themselves- Oooh…I think the room has just gotten a bit hotter…-Purrs-

TDIB: -turns to camera- Okay, for all you little kids watching now, I suggest that you change the channel to Sesame Street or something. For all you parents watching this, unless you're a Twilight Mom or had sent your kids to bed, don't blame me for showing this – It's your fault that you let your kids watch it. Thank you.

Kythi Ravenswing: -pops up on camera- Join my plot for World Domination!!! There'll be cookies and Quil!!!

Quil: Hey!!!

TDIB: -coughs- Anyway, I think it's time for Quil to go!!!

TQF: -screeches- No!!

Quil: -mutters- Finally…

TDIB: C'mon now…Don't make me use the ninjas…

TQF: We haven't pulled down his boxers yet!!!

TDIB: I don't care! Get off!!! Pull off his boxers in the after-party!

Quil: Oi! That wasn't part of the agreement!

TDIB: -holds up flea collar and a bag of pizza vouchers- This collar and vouchers _says_ it's part of the agreement…

TQF: -sighs- Whatev. –Hugs him one more time, before jumping off stage-

Kythi Ravenswing: -bats eyes- See ya later, sweetie. –Blows kiss before getting off stage-

Quil: -immediately scrambles off-

TDIB: Anyway, our next guest today likes a character that most fans love to hate. Please welcome, only Team Mike rep, TheLastWildflowerGirl!!!

-The audience was half-way between booing and cheering as TheLastWildflowerGirl walks on smiling-

TDIB: Well, how are you today?

TheLastWildflowerGirl: Ah, it was okay. I had yet to be dazzled by my Mikey-poo…-sigh-

Wishing for a Werewolf: -calls out- Wait…Is that even possible?

TheLastWildflowerGirl: Shut up! At least I have a better chance at being dazzled by Mike than by that stupid mutt called Jacob!

TEF: Oooh…Burn…

TJF: -growls-

TDIB: Anyway, moving on…Did you have something for Mike today?

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -claps- Oh yes! I forgot! I've got a poem dedicated to the amazing Mike Newton!

La tua Cantante101: Amazing Mike Newton?! Isn't that a bit of a contradiction?

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -glares- No, it isn't! Now shut up so I could dedicate this poem to him! –Clears throat-

Mike

They call you The Golden Retriever but I don't care  
'cuz Golden Retrievers are awesome.  
With your sense of humor and your optimism  
You make us laugh  
Even though the others laugh for the wrong reasons.

Mike

You know nothing about vampires or werewolves  
To me, that makes you all the more endearing.  
Your looks  
Are the icing on the cake,  
Those blond locks I adore.

Mike

Without you Twilight would  
Not be the same.  
I'm proud to call myself  
Team Mike  
Although I would much rather  
Keep you for myself.

Mike Newton  
You are amazing. –Sigh-

-Cricket chirps-

FanpireFrostbite: -shakes head- And I thought Jacob's song was bad…

TDIB: -smiles- Wow, that's a good poem!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -bows- Thank you! –Calls out to the audience- At least _someone_ appreciates it!

MRAJ: -shouts- THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S THE HOST, STUPID! SHE _HAS_ TO LIKE IT!

TDIB: Shut…up…-Turns back to TheLastWildflowerGirl- So anyway, why, out of the vampires and werewolves, did you go for a _human_?!

Audience: YEAH! WHY?!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: Well, because I want Mike! He's so under-represented, and he needs a fan girl to give him love! –Smiles- Plus, there's less competition.

TheImmortalKlutz: Yes, I wonder why…

TDIB: Okay, moving on. What is it about Mike that draws you in?

Naomi Cullen: -mutters- Is there _anything_ about him that draws people in? I don't think so…

TheLastWildflowerGirl: He's so sweet and adorable and loyal and cute…-Sigh-

TDIB: Um, right then…Well, let's stop this small-talk, and bring out MIKE NEWTON!!!

-Fans boo and hiss as Mike Newton saunters on without a shirt-

Audience: -screeches- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -covers ears- GAH! MY EARS! MY EARS!

SparklingTopazEyes: -shrieks- MY EYES! MY EYES!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -snorts- Oh come _on_! He isn't that bad! –Hugs and pecks Mike-

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- All right! My Evil Spongebob Squarepants of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! ATTACK!!!

-A whole army of black Spongebobs with beady red eyes starts bouncing towards Mike with jellyfish nets-

TDIB: -gulps- Oh God…

cullencutie08: -raises eyebrows- Erm…Evil Spongebob Squarepants of Doom?!

TheImmortalKlutz: -rolls eyes- No, it's Evil Spongebob Squarepants of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! Gosh…

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -shakes head- I honestly don't see the difference…

TDIB: -looks nervous- Um…Do you seriously need to have the Evil Spongebobs here?

TheImmortalKlutz: Hell yeah! We need to rid this world of the retardedness of Mike Spewton!

Mike: -eyes advancing Spongebobs- Psh, they don't look so bad…

Spongebob #1: -mechanical evil voice- Exterminate…Exterminate…-Spongebob laugh- BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Mike: -looks at them warily- O…Kay…That was random…-Snorts- As if a whole bunch of sweatshop-made sponges are going to do any damage to me…

TheImmortalKlutz: -grins- You wanna try?

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -whispers- Mike, for my sake, please don't do this…

Mike: Don't worry, they're just emo sponges…-Shows off various ninja moves- Bring it on, bitch! Bring it on!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -throws herself in front of him- No, Mike! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -cocks head to one side- Hmmm…The fan girl _does_ complicate things a bit…Bring on the Evil Patrick Starfishes of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

-A large army of black starfishes in red board shorts starts advancing towards the stage-

TDIB: -whimpers- Will it only attack…Mike?

TheImmortalKlutz: Yes, unless anyone, including you, decide to intervene. –Grins smugly-

TheLastWildflowerGirl: Don't you have any security guards to stop this abomination?! WHERE ARE THE NINJAS?!

-A group of fifty ninjas leapt onto the stage in front of Mike-

TheImmortalKlutz: -evil laugh- You think a bunch of ninjas will protect that scrawny bastard called Mike?

TDIB: (to TheImmortalKlutz) Okay, technically _I'm _not the person who called them up. –Points to TheLastWildflowerGirl- She did, okay?

TheImmortalKlutz: Yeah, yeah, it wouldn't do any good if I killed you…-Looks back- Pretty much everyone here would start hunting me down if I did…

TDIB: Well, thank you. –Steps back and shields herself-

Spongebob #1: Must…Kill…Must…Kill…

Patrick #1: Die…Die…Die…Die…-Gets distracted by camera- Oooh…What's that?

Cameraman: Er…It's a camera…

Patrick #1: Ooooh…I can see myself!

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- Number 1, GET BACK IN LINE!

Patrick #2: -stares at camera as well- Can I take it home?

Cameraman: No, but you can have this. –Gives him rubber duckie-

TDIB: Um, why do you have a rubber duckie?

Cameraman: It's a long story, and I don't really think you have time.

TDIB: -nods- True…

Patrick #3: -squeezes duckie- Hey! It squeaks! Hehe…

-All the Starfishes crowd around the duckie-

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- Patrick Starfishes, GET THE FUCK OVER HERE AND START ATTACKING THAT STUPID VILENESS OF THAT GOLDEN RETRIVER IDIOT!

Patricks: No. Make me.

TheImmortalKlutz: No matter, I still have the Spongebobs!

-The Spongebobs advanced towards the stage, but are attacked by the ninjas-

Ninja #1: -shrieks- YOU WILL DIE!!!

Spongebob #1: Exterminate…Exterminate…

-After about 15 minutes of fighting-

TDIB: Erm, guys…Did you notice that TheLastWildflowerGirl and Mike had escape in the midst of the fighting?

TheImmortalKlutz: -looks around- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Most of the Audience: -after joining the Spongebobs to fight the ninjas- Awww man! The vileness still lives on!

TDIB: Any injuries?

TeamVampire: I feel like puking, if that's what you mean. –Mutters- God, Mike still lives…

TDIB: -shrugs- Whatever…

**Once again, I'm uber sorry for the uber long update, but I promise that in the two weeks of holidays that I have, I will update as much as possible. **

**One more thing, I have discovered two gems on Fanfiction –**

**1) "Official Fanfiction University of Twilight" by Kythi Ravenswing (God-awesome and funny story! Go read it. Now. Or else the mini-Volvos will run you over somehow)**

**2) "Harry Potter and the Twilighters of Doom"by TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes (I was laughing buckets when I read it. No, really. If you could get past the grammatical and spelling errors, you would be left with its hilarious randomness galore)**

**HAPPY EASTER!!! **


	43. Chapter 43: The Crazy Fan Girls Part 4

**Hi guys! Yep, this shall be the last interview(s), so I hope you enjoy it! The holidays are still going for about another week and a half, so I'll try to cram some more updates within that small period of time before purgatory, I mean, school. Thanks for all you loyal readers and reviewers, and I hope this won't disappoint you :)**

**Disclaimer: You know what, if you didn't get the message that has been repeated for at least forty-something times yet…You are an idiot. Sorry, but it's true...**

TDIB: So yes, we're down to our last two teams of sheer vampire-loving awesomeness!

Team Werewolves: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

RainyxDays: -calls out- Oh just piss OFF, you flea bags!

TDIB: First up, the Team James rep, a regular on this show, and our teddy bear thief, please welcome back TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes!

MRAJ: -mutters- Again…

-The fans cheer as TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes run on stage while showing off a diamond ring on her fourth finger of her left hand-

TDIB: Well, it's good to have you back on the stage for the thirtieth time!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Yeah, and it's great that I won't be dragged off immediately by the ninjas, hehe…

TDIB: Yes…yes…-Shifty eyes- Anyway, why do you love James in-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Woah, woah, WOAH! Aren't you gonna mention anything about this? –Waves ring in front of TDIB's face-

TDIB: Oh, of course. –Coughs- TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes has been married to James for at least four months now, as evident in the ring.

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Yeah, so BACK OFF BITCHES! Both of us believe in monogamy! HA!

TeamVampire: -wrinkles nose- Um, why would we want to have him in the first place?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Er, because his sexily perfect. Duh.

secilmis yazar: Wait…What about Victoria?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Victoria? VICTORIA?! _I'm_ the reincarnation of Victoria! That's why James loves me!

Kythi Ravenswing: But you have blonde hair!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -glares- Shut up and go make out with Quil, okay?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -smiles- Willingly! –Runs off-

TDIB: -coughs- Anyway, moving on, why do you love James?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Because he's so sexily awesome! Plus, he's like the epitome of perfection for all vampires who drink human blood! –Sigh- And we're married! We _have_ to love each other. Not that that's a problem for me, at least…

TDIB: Okay then. Why choose James over, say, Edward and Jacob?

Audience: YEAH! WHY?!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Because we're married! DUH!

TDIB: Don't you have a better reason than "We're married"?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: It's also because of the fact that…Well…Too much competition, the characters are waaaaaaaaaaaay overrated, and the very fact that James doesn't get enough lurve. I mean, almost every Team James is really just Team Cam Gigandet, and they don't really like James the_ character_.

TDIB: Um, I see. Do you have something for James?

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Of course I do! Wanna hear it?

TDIB: I think that's the whole point…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Okay, what I'm gonna sing is a song parody on 'White Christmas'. It's called 'I'm Dreaming of James', and I hope you enjoy it! –Clears throat-

I'm dreaming of a day with James,  
Where no one else is around,  
Because James is dreamy,  
Then the windows got steamy,  
And Edward told us to 'get a room'.

-Awkward silence-

FanpireFrostbite: -mutters- Bad mental image...Bad mental image...-Shudders-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -continues- I'm dreaming of a day with James,  
Each time I look into his sexy eyes,  
We both know James is perfect,  
Why I love him is no surprise

I'm dreaming of a day with James,  
Though everything stands in our way,  
I'm not afraid to face the odds,  
Because I'm gonna have that day.

I'm dreaming of a day with James,  
With every passing day and night,  
May James please survive the fight,  
So my day with James can be tonight. –Sigh-

SparklingTopazEyes: Awwww…That is so sweet!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -beams- Thank you! –Turns to TDIB- Can I have James now?!

TDIB: You already have James!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: As in on stage.

TDIB: -sigh- So long as you keep his pants on... James? COME ON DOWN!!!

-The majority of the fan girls are booing as James saunters down without a t-shirt-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -squeals- JAMES! –Runs over and hugs his waist-

Team James: JAMES!!! –Pushes TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes away and starts hugging/kissing him-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: OI! _I'm _married to him, okay? So back off!

Team James: -begs- James, can you please divorce her? I love you more than she could!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -mutters- Yeah, right… -Starts kicking the other fan girls-

Team James: -yells- HEY! –Punches TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes-

Naomi Cullen: -sits back with popcorn- I love it when a team starts fighting amongst each other…

FanpireFrostbite: -nods in agreement- Yeah…

James: Girls, please stop fighting!

Team James: He speaks! Oh speak again, thy sexy beast!

James: …

TDIB: -awkward cough-

James: Erm, can you please stop killing my wife? Otherwise I will have to do something very,_ very_ bad to you…

TheImmortalKlutz: In other words, he will trap you in a ballet studio, bite your hand, before being killed off by the awesomely awesome Edward Cullen.

Team Edward: -squeals- YAY EDWARD!!!

James: -glowers at TheImmortalKlutz- Don't remind me…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -pushes the others away- Thanks sweetie. –Kisses his cheek-

Team James: -hisses at TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- Get away from him, bitch…

TDIB: Erm, um, ah, TIME'S UP!

Team James: What?! NO! We didn't get enough time!

TDIB: Dude, this is like a ticking time bomb. You guys and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes are like Kythi Ravenswing and Claire – It's only a matter of time before all hell breaks loose, and at least someone gets hurt. –Looks around- Is Kythi Ravenswing still gone?

Kythi Ravenswing: Nope! I'm back already, and I heard every single word you said just then!

TDIB: Hehe…Oops…

Kythi Ravenswing: -shrugs- It's okay, 'cause it's true. –Grins- Now I'm off to find Quil! –Runs off-

TDIB: -mutters- Again…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Eh, what do you expect? She's not gonna give up until she has her Quil…-Shakes head-

TDIB: -nods- True…Anyway, go back to your seats now!

Team James: But James…JAMES!!!

TDIB: Don't worry, he'll be at the after part-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: No he won't! He'll be home with me, got it?!

TDIB: Um, I thought we reached an agreement…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Yeah, but I changed my mind!

TDIB: What the hell?! It's only for one night! I'm sure James will not pull his pants down tonight…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: We'll talk later. –Stays on the stage until all the other Team James had gone down-

TDIB: Anyway, our last, yet not the least, team is Team Jane. So please put your hands together for our Team Jane rep, Talamack!!!

-The audience cheers as Talamack walks on stage waving-

TDIB: Welcome back! How was your day?

Talamack: Well, I was tempted to smash a lead pole into TheImmortalKlutz's face when she started attacking Mike, but other than that…

TheImmortalKlutz: If you don't like it, then get the hell out of here!

TDIB: Dude, I need to interview her.

TheImmortalKlutz: Yeah, well…Stuff you! –Pouts-

TDIB: -rolls eyes- Anyway, so why do you like Jane?

Talamack: Because I think both of us are like long lost cousins. I mean, I'm pretty much like her personality-wise.

La tua Cantante101: In other words, you're a sadistic, evil uncaring little witch?

Talamack: -wrinkles nose- You make it sound like it's a bad thing…

SparklingTopazEyes: -mutters- It is a bad thing…

Talamack: (to TDIB) Besides, being able to stand there and cause pain with just a glance of your eyes is just plain cool. To be able to do that AND appear emotionless is even cooler! I mean, who wouldn't want to do that?!

Kythi Ravenswing: -walks back in- You, my dear, have a very twisted mind…

Talamack: Yeah, and this is coming from the person who pretty much attempts to rape Quil every night AND tries to kill Claire wherever possible.

Kythi Ravenswing: Which reminds me…QUIL?! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM CLAIRE!!! WAIT UP SWEETIE!!! –Runs off again-

TDIB: -buries head in hands- Oh gosh…

Wishing for a Werewolf: -leans towards ThisIsMyDisguise- Five bucks that she's gonna sexually assault Quil in the after party…

TDIB: Now back to the questions, why go Team Jane? Why not, well I don't know, Team Switzerland or something?

Talamack: Because Jane is sooooooooooo unrepresented! She's such an awesome character, but she's underrated! She needs the love she deserves!

TDIB: Well, that's nice. Anyway, don't you have something for her?

Talamack: -squeals- Oooh! I've got a poem!

TDIB: Then don't just stand there talking about it! Read it then!

Talamack: Geez, chillax…-Takes out crumpled piece of paper and clears throat-

Jane is a vampire  
With eyes deep and red  
And when she turns them on you  
You'll wish you were dead  
For the pain she can conjure  
Is more than just a sneeze  
It's like being hit  
With a well aimed manatee  
That came from the deep  
Of the raging ocean  
Pulled to the surface  
In one fluid motion  
By the little vampire  
Which everyone should fear  
Who will be around  
For years and years and years  
With her little black cloak  
And powerful twin  
And the two of them will struggle  
If ever they don't want to sin  
But why would that be so  
When you think it through  
Tell me, who would want  
To take their evilness. Who?  
Oh, that was stupid  
Now I see  
That person would be anyone  
Except perhaps me  
'Cos I'm just the enigma  
Standing on the fringe  
Watching people pass  
With my evil grin  
Wishing I was a vampire  
With eyes deep and red  
With pain I can turn on you  
To make you wish you were dead. –Bows-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -claps loudly- Wooooooooh! I want to be like Jane as well!!!

TDIB: -looks nervous- Okay, you seriously have a twisted mind…

Talamack: -shrugs- Not as twisted as TheImmortalKlutz…

TheImmortalKlutz: -stands up- Hey! Just because I have a million Evil things of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, and that I try to attack everything that I hate, it does not make me TWISTED! –Pants-

MRAJ: Um, actually…Yes it does…

TheImmortalKlutz: Okay, that's it. Evil Machetes of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, attack that Team Mutt bitch!

TDIB: Hey! Leave the Evil things of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM out of this, okay?

TheImmortalKlutz: Can I kill her later then?

TDIB: …Okay, please put your hands together for JANE!!!

-The majority of the audience boos as Jane walks up on stage fully clothed-

cullencutie08: -grins smugly as jenncrazyy909 hands over five bucks- Told you that Jane will come on with a t-shirt. It would be just plain weird for Jane to be here half-naked.

jenncrazyy909: -mutters- Shut up…

Talamack and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: JANE!!! –Both attempt to tackle her, but miss-

Jane: Hmmm…I would give you a blinding headache…But you guys actually like me, so whatever…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: You rock Jane! Can I have your autograph…again?

Jane: I thought I already gave you my autograph…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Yeah, but you didn't sign my copy of 'Breaking Dawn' yet, did you? –Thrusts 'Breaking Dawn' and a pen onto Jane-

Talamack: Oh yeah, come to think of it now…-Dumps her four copies of each of the books in the Twilight Saga, plus her movie posters and merchandise onto Jane-

Jane: -after struggling to get out of the Twilight merchandise pile- I didn't even _appear_ in the first Twilight book OR movie!

Talamack: Yeah, but still, you're an important part of the whole series!

Kythi Ravenswing: -coughs- Ahem BULLSHIT ahem…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Well, at least at the very end of 'Breaking Dawn' anyway…

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -sarcastically- Yeah, where Jane was there to prove that she can be owned by Bella the newborn…

Jane: -stares at Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -suddenly starts writhing on the floor- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MERCY, MERCY!!!

Jane: -tiny sadistic grin- Works all the time…

RainyxDays: Well, at least…Most of the time, when it's not Bell- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! –Clutches head and kneels on the ground in pain-

Jane: -wider smirk-

Talamack: -proudly- And this is why Jane is cool!

TDIB: Um Jane…Please refrain from using that ability on the audience. We don't have enough money to buy aspirin for everyone here…

Jane: -rolls eyes- Whatever…

Talamack: Can you change me into a vampire? Please?

Jane: -cocks head to one side- I would, but I don't want to kill off one of my only fan girls…Maybe Aro can do it…

Talamack: If that means I get to join the Volturi, I'll do it!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: And everyone gets a happy ending…Until Talamack gets killed…

Naomi Cullen: Are you always this cynical?

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -nods- Yep…

TDIB: Okay, I think it's time for Jane to go now…

Talamack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Wraps arms around Jane-

TDIB: Oh come ON! This whole interview thing has gone on for at least four hours already! The audience needed their bathroom breaks, especially Team Switzerland!

secilmis yazar: Nah, we went when Team Mike came on.

TeamVampire: Um, I think pretty much everyone went when Team Mike came on. Well…Except for TheImmortalKlutz, at least…

TheImmortalKlutz: -wide grin- Well, _someone_ has to rid this already chaotic world of that bastard Mike Spewton…

La tua Cantante101: -mutters- No wonder there was a 50 metre long queue outside the ladies'…

TDIB: (to Talamack and TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes) Okay guys, seriously, get off the bloody stage NOW! –Glares at TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- And why the hell are _you_ here, anyway? You had your freaking turn!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -huffs- Just because I'm married to James –swoons-, does not mean that I'm suddenly indifferent to the awesomeness of Jane!

TDIB: -rolls eyes- You know what, just get off now…

-The two girls hurry off-

TDIB: And now, as all of you know, this is the very last interview.

Audience: -whines- Awwww…

TDIB: So now, I will bid you loyal viewers farewell, and I hope you enjoyed this as much as I had enjoyed barely interviewing certain characters. Please, keep Twilighting until Alice gets over her shopping problem, Emmett gains a couple of IQ points, and Aro stops acting optimistically and homosexually gay… Which will be never…GOODBYE!!! –Red, black and white streamers and balloons suddenly start falling everywhere, and 'Supermassive Black Hole' by Muse starts playing-

Audience: -shouts- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! AFTER PARTY!!!

**Okay, this is not the last chapter. The next chappie will be the last, and then this story is finished.**

**Edward: -breathes sigh of relief- Well **_**finally**_**…**

**Me: -glares- If it weren't for the fact that you're sexily perfect and perfectly sexy…I would've given you an evil eye and a pie in the face…**

**IMPORTANT NOTE!!!**

**Yes, the last chappie will be the after party. It's either gonna be incredibly long or incredibly short, depending on what my mood will be tomorrow…Probably incredibly short…I'll try to wrap this story up ASAP…**

**Next: The Last Chappie!!! –Sob- The After Party!!! (In other words, Kythi Ravenswing attempting to murder Claire with poisoned cake icing…)**


	44. Chapter 44: The After Party!

**Yep, this is the chapter to end all chapters of interviews, so thanks to everyone who read the story, add it to their favourites, and reviewed it to give me ideas, tips and praise. Free cyber lollipops to all of you, and I hope you would enjoy this last instalment of "The Crappy Twilight Clichés Show" as much as I had wrote the whole story!!!**

**Disclaimer: Just because I completed this fanfic, it does not mean I'm Stephenie Meyer…Although I don't how it does in the beginning…**

TDIB: AND LET THE PARTY BEGIN!!!

Audience: -squeals- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

TDIB: Okay, bring out…The CHARACTERS!!!

-The Audience cheers and faints as the large group of vampires/werewolves/human walk on stage without their shirts on (except for Jane)-

TDIB: -mutters- Good thing we have trained paramedics here that could do the Heimlich Manoeuvre…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -while holding a spiked bat- Back off, bitches! He's MINE!

Kythi Ravenswing: -runs towards Quil while holding a cheese grater- I LOVE YOU QUIL!!! Where's Claire?

Quil: -glares at her- Why would I tell you?

Kythi Ravenswing: -innocently- Because you love me?

Quil: -growls harshly as Team Quil try to undo his pants-

Kythi Ravenswing: -after dusting tranquiliser on cookies- Want a chocolate-chip cookie, Quil?

TheImmortalKlutz: Edward's better than Jacob!

MRAJ: No he's not!

TeamVampire: Yes he is!!!

Naomi Cullen: That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard!!!

FanpireFrostbite: That's IT! –Throws a large pie at Wishing for a Werewolf-

Wishing for a Werewolf: -wipes pie off her face- I will GET YOU BITCH!!! –Hurls muffin at TheImmortalKlutz-

TheImmortalKlutz: -screams- YOU WILL DIE!!! –Starts food fight between Team Edward and Team Jacob- Evil Doughnuts of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! ATTACK!!!

-A bunch of black doughnuts with ominous red icing start bouncing towards the Team Jacobs-

Wishing for a Werewolf: -screams as she is being hustled by a particularly large one- MRAJ! Haven't you found something to counteract TheImmortalKlutz's many things of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM?!

MRAJ: -shields herself from the sticky blood-flavoured icing- I started, I swear I did… But then I got distracted by Jacob's hotness…

Team Switzerland: -shrugs- Ah heck… -Starts throwing the cream puffs at the Team Seth-

La tua Cantante101: -wipes cream off her face- HEY! Aren't you guys supposed to be neutral?!

ThisIsMyDisguise: -snorts- Just because we're called Team Switzerland does NOT mean we don't like to be involved in fights, okay?!

TheLastWildflowerGirl: -hurls cake at ThisIsMyDisguise- How about you just shut UP!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: Hey…If you're here, then Mike's here!

-Dramatic silence-

TheLastWildflowerGirl: Um…-Darts outside-

TheImmortalKlutz: -sighs- Drats…

TDIB: -looks on from the stage- Wow…This just gives a whole new meaning to "stuffing your cake hole"…

Kythi Ravenswing: -runs on stage- Have you seen Claire? –Tries to hide cheese grater- Also, do you know where I could get some salt and lemon juice?

TDIB: -eyes grater- Are you going to attempt to murder Claire again?

Kythi Ravenswing: Not attempt…I'm going to succeed this time! –Runs off-

TDIB: -shakes head- Oh God…-Is hit by a cupcake- All right, WHO WAS THAT?!

-Dramatic silence-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -guilty smile- …MRAJ…

MRAJ: Hey! That was so totally not me!

RainyxDays: Oh no! That was you! Don't deny it!

Naomi Cullen: What the hell? SHE DID NOT DO THAT!!!

Team Edward: YES SHE DID!!!

Team Jacob: NO SHE DIDN'T!!!

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -screams- FIGHT!!!

Everyone: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!! –Resumes food fight with each other-

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: Hehe…The perfect distraction…Now I have James all to myself…-Hugs and kisses him, before shoving him towards back stage-

TDIB: -mutters as she checks jacket- Oh geez…I'll never get this red icing out…-Takes off jacket and gives it to the ninjas, before turning to the fighting fan girls- OI! You do know your favourite characters are here…

Edward: -mutters- Shit…

Everyone: Oh yeah… -Suddenly stops fighting and starts mentally scarring their favourite characters-

Jasper: -shakes head and shudders- Oh God…The lust…The LUST…

Edward: You think you got it bad?! I had to deal with the lust AND the revolting mental images of me biting pillows! YOU THINK YOU GOT IT BAD?!

Emmett: -grins- For once, I'm glad that I don't have your gifts…

Edward: Yeah, but you got Rosalie. I wonder how she's going to react to this. –Points to various lipstick marks on his cheek-

Emmett: -shrugs- She'll understand, and she'll just target the fan girls and TDIB instead.

TDIB: HEY! My life insurance does not cover vampires, okay?!

Jasper: That's your problem, not ours.

Naomi Cullen: -squeals- I LOVE YOU JACOB!!!

MRAJ: -thinks- Hmmm…I wonder if he likes it doggy-sty- -Is cut off by a glare from TDIB-

TDIB: Don't start, okay?! This is NOT a brothel!

Carlisle: -mutters- Feels like it…

-A large bunch of angry girls suddenly barges into the studio and surrounds the fan girls-

Randomanimallover: -covers her ears- GOD, TURN THAT INFERNAL MUSIC DOWN!!!

Talamack: -growls- How DARE you insult 'Flightless Bird, American Mouth'?! Gosh, someone has no taste in music…

Random Hater #1: -mutters- Well, you got to admit…It DOES suck…

RH #2: -whimpers- Aaaah…Major…Smushy…Vampire…Cliché…Overload…-Curls up into a small ball-

Abby-Whitlock-Hale-Cullen: -steely whisper- Who are you?

Randomanimallover: -smug grin- We are…the TWI-HATERS!!! MWAHAHAHAHHA!!!

TheImmortalKlutz: -snorts- That is the suckiest evil laugh I've ever heard in my whole entire life! That's not an evil laugh. THIS is an evil laugh! –Cackles- MwahahahahhahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Everyone: …

TDIB: -pushes towards the front and faces the Twi-haters- So wait, you're the Twi-haters?

RH #1: Hell yeah! And we have come to gate-crash this party!

RH #2: -pipes up- AND make it better! –Grins- By killing off the characters and making this less Twilight-related…

SparklingTopazEyes: Not if _we_ can help it!

FanpireFrostbite: -determined- Yeah!

TDIB: -shouts- Twilighters, ATTACK!!!

Twilighters: -battle cry- FOR THE LOVE OF TWILIGHT!!! –Charges towards the Haters-

TheImmortalKlutz: Evil Doughnuts, Spongecakes, Pencil Cases, Needles, Highlighters, Blue tack…-After naming 100 items later-…of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! ATTACK!!!

TeamVampire: -pushes Edward- Go Edward!!! Kill them for your honour!!!

Randomanimallover: -evil smirk- Don't mess with us, vampires…We're all armed with flamethrowers!!!

Kythi Ravenswing: Well, it's such a pity that my evil undead ninja bunny is resistant to fire…-Gestures to the large army of bunnies- Kill, my pretties, KILL!!!

Army of Undead Bunnies: -leaps onto the Haters- BLAAAAH!!!

Haters: -screams- GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

TDIB: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!! WE ARE AN ARMY FORGED BY TWILIGHT!!!

Naomi Cullen: -while fighting two midget Haters at the same time- Surrender now, bitches…

Twilighters: -in unison- Yeah! Surrender n-

-Is interrupted yet again by another large group of people clad in black armour like clothing-

Constable Diane: -holds up badge- Stop what you're doing! This is the AFP!

jenncrazyy909: The what?

TDIB: Wait, the AFP…As in the _Australian Federal Police_?!

Angel of Apathy: The _what_?!

FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut: -whispers- The rough equivalent of the FBI…

Angel of Apathy: Oh…

TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes: -runs in while zipping up her jacket- So, what did I mi- -Stares at the angry Twi-haters, the police and everyone else- Um…hi?

Constable Diane: -ignores TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes- We received an anonymous tip-off from a group of very concerned women. They claimed that this is a brothel for young girls and teenagers. –Glares at TDIB-

TDIB: -politely- I'm sorry Miss, but this is not a brothel. –Gestures to the vampires/werewolves- They don't get paid to do this. Plus, although there might be some, erm, canoodling going on, I can assure you, from my own knowledge, that there are no sexual activity going on besides hugging and kissing.

Constable Diane: -frowns- Then what are they doing? –Points to a bunch of Team Seth fans, who are trying to (yet again) undo his belt-

TDIB: -blushes- Um…-Calls out- Guys! What the bloody hell are you doing?!

SparklingTopazEyes: -awkward laugh- Hehe…Yeah…I was hoping no one would notice me…Oops…

Constable Diane: -stares at Edward, Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle- Wait…Are they…Could they be…

Edward: -groans- Oh no…

Constable Diane: -squeals- EDWARD!!! –Flings herself at him- I cannot believe it! I'm finally meeting the sexily awesome Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!!! –Rubs her head against his chest- This is the happiest day of my life…

Random Male Police: Um Diane…

Constable Diane: -snaps- Shut up! –Speaks stiffly to TDIB- There's nothing wrong with this place. We can all go no-

Rosalie: -bursts into the studio angrily- Of course there's something wrong with this place! –Points at the girls- They're acting like testosterone-filled men at a strip-club! And my brothers AND my husband are the strippers!!!

TDIB: -sigh- Rosalie…You're always the dramatic one, aren't you? But don't worry, you can have your family back in a couple of minutes time, along with your pet werewolves…

Rosalie: -seethes- Arrest these bitches!!! Or otherwise I _will_ call your boss and have you demoted!

TDIB: Look Rose, you can have your family back now. I won't steal your men now after tonight, okay?

La tua Cantante101: Yeah! You just missed the last show ever, and this is the after party!

Constable Diane: What? This was a show? On Twilight?! -Swoons-

TDIB: -nods- You can get it on DVD next week at all good video stores that are pro-Twilight.

TeamVampire: -mutters- Although it's waaaaaaaay cheaper if you just watch reruns on Youtube…

Constable Diane: -happily- Okay then. –Waves everyone else off- Let's go now!

Rosalie: What?! What about _them_? –Angrily jabs at the fan girls-

Constable Diane: They said you'll get them back after tonight. That's all I could do for you now…

Rosalie: Fine then! Expect a call from your boss! –Drags Emmett by the ears out of the studio-

Emmett: Ow ow OW! Rose, you know it's not my fault…

Rosalie: -glares- You are _so_ going to get it when we get back home…

Edward: -shudders- Oh yes he is…

Emmett: -whimpers-

Constable Diane: Oh, and before I forget…-Runs back to Edward- Bite me Edward! BITE ME!!!

Team Edward: YEAH, BITE ME!!!

Edward: No I won't!

Team Edward: Please?

Edward: NO! –Runs off-

Team Edward: Awww…

**Yep, that's it, that's the end! On the last day of my holidays and of my freedom, I have finally completed my first fanfic, and by far the most successful of them all. Here are some stats – **

**Hits – A whopping 26,860!!! Woooot!!!**

**Alerts – 86 **

**Favourites – 139 **

**C2 Communities – 2**

**Reviews up to Chapter 43 – 641!!! **

**Once again, I thank you guys for helping me achieve these awesome statistics! Mind you, these figures are expected to rise, so yeah…Thanks once again!**

**So yes, after this, I think I'll just be concentrating on 'Plotline Parodies' and hopefully I'll start posting up 'OMC!!! The Principal is a Vampire!!!' soon. Just don't expect regular updates.**

**Sayonara and Arigato!**

**The Dawn Is Breaking :)**


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